Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this one seems a little unsure of itself. The first part sounds like it wants to be a story that is sympathetic to this monster but then later we are supposed to hate it? Or maybe I'm interpreting it wrong and your idea was to show that this monster became what it is because we humans didn't accept it or something along those line. But then I'm not sure. Lemme dive into this.
Anyway let's get right to it,
I love taking a stroll in my forest: this way I escape the stench of our cave
Decent opening line there although I think you accidentally hit the enter key there and didn't mean to open with a single line.
and gaze down once more at my future pray. My mom does not mind when or where I go. Sometimes, I hear her moan in the night: just another terrible dream. I find it amusing how she can barely grumble, nothing more: on the other hand, how in the world did I end up learning this language of men? Ah, men… Some I pity, while some send shivers down my spine with their thoughtless actions. Countless times, I attempted to open their eyes, but what I say, they perceive as threats. When I come back to our layer with my worried thoughts about men, I meet mama’s eyes. They stay iced like the winter’s river, upon not finding food in my hands. Even though she never understands when I tell her about my troubled encounters, at least she comforts me with cuddling.
So here it really sounds like we are sympathetic the cause of this monster that is being ignored by humans and not given a place among them or something like that. The part with the mother and all of that seem to indicate this the way I understand this.
Before, I thought the only difference between the men and I was that they did not have as much fur. That paucity made them cold; therefore, they protected themselves by building, and living in a castle. Seriously, doesn’t that make sense? But silly me, I supposed wrong in my youthful years. These humans thump down any stranger they see, and I happened to pass by them… They bribe themselves into glory and fame with mead and sweet songs of the Harper. His melodies flow while patting their heads, illuminating their false bravery. They set out into battles, where they burn villages and scavenge the cattle like savages. Yet, even I fall for those seductive lyrics. However, the songs affect me in the opposite way: it addresses me as a devil. The old wise man (yes in spite of the meaningless lines that came out of his mouth, he knew how to reach his goal: the knowledge gave him the capacity to bring pride to the house of raiders and drunkards) calls me a monster, a creature sent from hell, meant for destruction from one of the men. I laughed and rolled, “So come out you pathetic warriors, take me on, and I will pop your foolish heads!” None came. Of course, anger steamed from my ears in response to his artificial phrases, but…but similar to a child I rush up to the first traveler I observe on the wood path. “ I am one of you, please take me in, I mean no harm!” I weep standing afar, trying not to scare. In addition, two horsed men join in to strike me with their weapons…not meaning to tare through flesh; I push away with claws and dash. A sense of miss belonging fills me after leaving the battle scene. “Am I an empty, worthless spot to humankind?” I drag to my house, with a trail of ruby paw marks behind.
First of all this is a rather large wall of text that you've got right here and it's a little hard to read. The flow of the words themselves are pretty easy to follow but breaking this whole thing into about three shorter paragraphs would go a long way to making this better.
And once again I see that humans are being portrayed as the bad guys and they are rejecting this poor monster. I mention this because it seems to take quite a turn in the next paragraph.
o be honest, at times I longed to feast with all the nobles, but that desire lasted minutes. More then ever, I hungered to bite into the denizens of herot. Especially after my visit to the dragon, I realized my right to punish them, my right to enjoy and live as a true monster. Furthermore, nothing stops me, my claws easily wipe off these humorous warriors in a wink, and even their spears fail to penetrate me. I feel not a trace of guilt while indulging this scene of falling men and gushing blood: I smile and laugh. Therefore, I thought, that no one ever should come to challenge me. Nevertheless, my intrusion begets turmoil and a scramble for a real hero. Unlike myself, I shake and crumble before him. His arms tare me apart, without a slightest trace of fear…
So here we encounter a full on evil mode. If you are trying to show a gradual descent into being this evil creature I would say this is far too rushed and it just seems to be a really fast 180 that does nothing to make us feel sympathetic towards this monster.
Aaand that's about all I have to say.
Overall: Putting aside the message of this one, the flow of the story (barring the large paragraphs) is quite good and its definitely quite easy to read. And the idea behind it definitely seems pretty cool.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 259685
Reviews: 4124
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