Sounds of despair
Echo throughout the universe,
Encompassing the whole agony...
Nature tries to nurture it's damaged children
But in ruin herself,
Only warms their skin for a little while...
And although the noise
Might not even have been there,
Pain always was and still is...
So lets cry out in a different way.
Let's make the silence louder.
Let the heart beat harder
For a minute, or at least one day...
Remember those who you never knew
Their ruby spilled,
And their hopes... forever killed...
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Honestly, I'm having trouble reading this poem. I've read it a few times, but I keep losing it before trying to get any meaning out of it. You know why? It's those ellipses. Get rid of them, they do nothing and distract the reader.
I agree with Adna, even more after hearing your explanation. You need more imagery. It doesn't have to be darker, but it should be more interesting, something that gets and keeps our attention. I liked the first stanza. Maybe more like that.
Keep writing!
Dear Adna, this poem was ment to encourage those who feel comfort in the safety of their own home, to take a moment of silence, and not just for the soldiers, but really anyone out there who is suffering or died from brutality, fo those innocent victims. I don't think any more imagery is needed, i want this poem to be accesible for everyone. I just wanted to get the meaning across without adding much gore details. But I guess i could add other kinds of things...however it's dark enough for me, i've never wrote anything more darker. yes...rhyme is my weak part
thank you for your critique! =)
I love this poem. It's interesting the way you have described silence, as something that can actually get louder.
'Nature tries to nurture it's damaged children', this line is brilliant.
I also really like the way you've used the word 'ruby', it makes the cause seem so much more worthwhile.
I don't usually like depressing poems because they tend to be cliche, but this is beautifully sad.
Overall I think this is a brilliant piece of work. Kudos.
It has good cadance. The imagery was good and I get the feeling it might be an antiwar protest. Very cool.
I didn't get this poem at all... I didn't get what it was about, what the emotion was supposed to be, or anything. I can't say that I got anything out of reading this. Sorry.
You need to put in more pictures, more imagery, more SDT.
Also, your rhythm definitely needs some work. None of the verses really flowed very well; the line structure struck me as abrupt, choppy almost.
There are, of course, the little grammar corrections, but I think SCL got them covered.
So, just work on what you're trying to say... I guess these two understood it, so maybe the cold here is affecting my brain, but whatever.
Keep writing!
*adna*
Ello or Salve I say. I am SimonCowellLuver. I really like your poem it is very well written I only saw one tiny problem. I do the grammar correction problems the rest others can do. But I will show you where I found it.
SimonCowellLuver
So lets cry out in a different way.
Let's make the silence louder.
Let the heart beat harder
For a minute, or at least one day...
Remember those who you never knew
Their ruby spilled,
And their hopes... forever killed...
After the word "harder" you need a period because you capitalized the next line of the stanza.
Last stanza after "knew" you need a period also.
Well If you have any questions about what i edited feel free to Contact me PM me ok.
Cool Poem. Keep on Writing!!!
Hi,
I like the poem...its quite nice.
Vaishnavi