Through million doors
I felt my hand touch yours.
Beyond grand mountains and cold lakes
As fast as mine, I heard your heart race.
Through countless miles
I see our lips lit up with smiles,
At the same instant,
Remainig constant.
Although in different time zone
I know we'll never be alone.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
This is a touching poem but needs a lot of work done to it. Adnamarine did a good job with correcting errors, so I'll just point out a few things here.
Through the countless miles,
I see our lips light up with smiles.[quote]
Other than that, it's really well done. Keep up the good work.
-Rick.
Great poem. Short but sweet. Although it didn't seem particularly fresh, I liked your use of imagery, but watch your spelling and other pointers as previously raised.
Your writing shows potential; I hope that your confidence grows and you begin to write longer and more imaginatively.
Good work. 6/10
I thought this was pretty good. There were moments were I felt the poem dragged a bit but otherwise, I liked it!
Keep Writing!
I think there were points where you attempted to rhyme, and that took away from the flow of the poem. "As fast as mine, I heard your heart race." would make more sense as "I heard your heart race as fast as mine". I would suggest forgetting the rhyme and worrying about making interesting images that make sense.
I also second Adna's grammatical crits.
It's not bad for a short poem, but you might want to try expanding it. You do have some good images. Keep writing!
Wow. I liked your poem. It was nice and touching. Nice job. Post more poems. Don't be shy!
The line "Through million doors" is suppose to emphisize the distance and to point out that despite it we have a connection.
"I see our lips lit up with smiles,
At the same instant, remaining constant" this all goes together. It refers to how at the same time we smile(at the same instant) and that those smiles never go away, meaning we always stay happy(remaining constant)
The whole gist is to express how those moments when we feel connected feel like infinity, but I admit I didn't expand enough in the poem to make it more understandable. Thank you for your critique. I will work on the poem more and try to make it more clear.
Through million doors Make this 'through a million doors' or 'through millions of doors'
I felt my hand touch yours.
Beyond grand mountains and cold lakes,
as fast as mine, I heard your heart race.
Through countless miles
I see our lips lit up with smiles I took out the comma
at the same instant,
remaining[/color constant. [color=red]I don't see how this line fits wit the rest of the sentence.
Although in different time zone Make this 'although in different time zones'.
I know we'll never be alone. I think this would sound better if you said "I know I'll never be alone." Or maybe if you want to stress the including of the other person, you could make it "Know that you'll never be alone."
This is pretty good. I like a lot of the imagery in it, I like the lines:
"Beyond grand mountains and cold lakes
As fast as mine, I heard your heart race."
It's still a little rough and needs some work. Some of the lines don't make very much sense. The very first lines are confusing. "Through million doors"? I don't see what that's supposed to represent, if anything.
Just go over it again, and make sure you understand what everything means to you and try to express it better. Make sure that your pictures aren't things only you would understand, because I know I sometimes have that problem and then nobody else gets it. That could be a factor.
Really just go back and go over it and do a little touching up.
Keep writing!
*adna*