I don't know why
or what the point.
What I say in my mind doesn't matter.
I know I can't do it,
so why trick myself into thinking that I can?
It's easier to admit defeat.
I'm fine with defeat.
Defeat doesn't hurt me.
Why should it?
It's not as though I'm bad at everything.
It's not as though I'm going nowhere in life.
It's not as though everyone else has it all figured out.
No, of course not.
Defeat doesn't hurt me.
Why should it?
I'm perfectly fine being average.
I'm perfectly fine being mediocre.
I'm perfectly fine being horrible.
I'm perfectly fine being a mess.
Who cares if I used to be perfect.
Who cares if I used to be the one people looked at
and said "Why does it comes so easily to her?"
Who cares that I started the year out perfectly,
had the perfect guy,
the perfect friends,
the perfect schedule,
all the perfect opportunities.
Who cares if I put them all to waste,
I messed it all up,
I failed.
I'm perfectly fine,
I swear.
It doesn't matter what I say in my head.
I'll figure it out.
What's the worst that could happen
if I don't care about anything?
What's the worst that could happen
If none of it matters?
What's the worst that could happen
If I have nothing to look forward to?
What's the worst that could happen
If I have nothing to make me happy?
What's the worst that could happen
If I remind myself of my hopelessness my head?
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141,265 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
Hi there liveoutloud! Nite here to pull out another review this fine Review Day for Team Inc(red)ibles!
Now, first off, I wasn't really into the bolded lines at the bottom. It felt like a gimmick, as I often feel that authors use bold to make boring words say "Look at me!" Your last line is stronger than that (though I think you're missing an "in"). Italics might work, but I'd say let the words speak for themselves in this case.
Overall, I enjoy the speaker's attitude, how she's struggling to cover up her unhappiness. However, I think it goes a little overboard on the repetition of "perfect". Repetition can be effective, but here it feels like too much.
I also feel like there could be more imagery. When I'm in this pessimistic state of mind, the things I should have said and done are looping over and over again. What were these life-altering choices? How did she fail? I think it would be easier to care about her state of mind if we had more hints to what actually happened.
Overall, there's a strong voice and some good lines. However, I'd like to see more images and a better picture of the speaker's story. Keep writing!
Hey!! Killyouwithwords here to review your poem!! It was very skillfully written, and very beautiful! Full of depth and emotion, it could easily be very relatable to your readers. You did a wonderful job of executing your subject in a clear and detailed way.
Besides messy formatting, and a few missing question marks, this part of the poem completely overused the word perfect. The first part, about how perfectly fine you were about being mediocre, average, etc. was awesome; but that should have been the end of that word. Maybe you should try to substitute it with another word, or just take out a line or two altogether. For instance: the last “I'm perfectly fine," was completely unnecessary. We GET it.
I'm glad I read it!!
I have a few errors to point out though.
Problem # 1: “I don't know why
or what the point."
That makes little sense, and because it's the beginning of your poem, it doesn't make the reader very excited or anxious to read the rest of it.
Suggestion: If you just change the word what, to “what is" it still won't sound very good. Maybe you could try something like:
“I don't know why,
I can't see the point."
Just a suggestion
Problem # 2:
I'm perfectly fine being average.
I'm perfectly fine being mediocre.
I'm perfectly fine being horrible.
I'm perfectly fine being a mess.
Who cares if I used to be perfect.
Who cares of used to be the one people looked at
And said, “Why does everything come so easily to her?"
The perfect guy,
the perfect friends,
the perfect schedule,
all the perfect opportunities.
Who cares if I put them all to waste,
I messed it all up I failed.
I'm perfectly fine,"
Suggestion: Oops, I feel as if copied down the whole poem. Sorry about that, but I have a point
But overall, this was an excellent, beautifully written poem
Just keep writing-
Killyouwithwords
Hello! I decided to review this piece as my second choice because it's very recent and you don't have many reviews for it!
First off, I want to say that I liked this one better. Your other is perhaps more sophisticated in its form and use of words, but boy does this one pack a punch. There's a great build in atmosphere and a real sense of voice in this piece and that's what really carries it over.
Specifics
This isn't working because it doesn't make much sense - the point of what? - it's fragmented in the wrong way. I'd suggest:
I don't recognise the point
of asking why.
This is a good use of repetition because defeat is a really solid sounding word. Nice choice!
This is a little bit stiff and it slows the flow of your poem. It would be much stronger as:
It's not as though everyone else has it all figured out,
of course not.
The increased brevity of that last line and the comma connecting them makes it even more under-cutting and biting.
These are good lines, but your flow is a little off. I'd suggest:
Who cares if I used to be the one people looked at
and said, "Why does it come so easily to her?"
Who cares that I started off perfect,
I feel that too often you start to build this really quick flow and then you break it again by starting a new 'who cares' or other trigger line. I'd suggest here for those last two lines to be:
all the perfect opportunities,
which I put to waste.
Overall
I really like the character and the voice of this piece, though I'd like to see more description. At the moment, this is a little bit flesh and bones and there aren't many visuals to give the reader something to picture in their head.
I think that's my only overall critique though, keep writing!
Heather xx
hey! rishabh here!
your work is very good. i loved it. its sweet and mellifluous!
now points which i want to discuss here:
1] your work is nice, there are some lines which are including questions, usually i dont like questions, i like them in poetic form but.
2] you have written a very inspirational stuff!
3] i like when u added few lines:
[I'm perfectly fine being average.
I'm perfectly fine being mediocre.
I'm perfectly fine being horrible.
I'm perfectly fine being a mess.]
keep it up! nice work!
Awesome job! -De12
How annoying it is to not know what someone close to you i thinking! Well sometimes anyway, haha. Firstly, I'd like to commend you on how you repeat the first parts of phrases, it adds structure and gives your piece personality. E.g. "I'm perfectly fine being average.
I'm perfectly fine being mediocre.
I'm perfectly fine being horrible.
I'm perfectly fine being a mess."
I found that quite powerful. Secondly, it was really emotional and triggered feelings of frustration in me while reading it, and I'm guessing that's a good thing, haha.
Keep up the writing!
It's like you wrote a poem about my life... PM me if you ever need someone to talk to, about anything.. I liked your poem, by the way. Nicely written.