Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy..this is a neat little opening chapter I think. You've done a pretty decent job of constructing a pretty nice scene with just the right amount of mystery there towards the end.
Anyway let's get right to it,
“Thanks”, we both shouted to the cashier as we walked out of the Coop and into the cold, Hingham air. Both Bri and I had finished our Christmas shopping in that store but we still had an hour left before her mom was coming to pick us up.
“Karlee!” Bri said in her extremely excited voice. “Let’s go into the cemetery.”
“No, absolutely not!” I snapped back at her very quickly. I had read way to many horror stories to do that. All of a sudden we would have some vampire or ghost or some other creature following us around if we went in there. I did not need another complication like that in my life.
Okayy...well, this is off to an interesting start...considering the title there, it certainly makes you instantly take notice. The opening setting is normal enough, but this particular suggestion certainly suggests that some ghostly things are going to be going down here right away.
“Come on it will be fun.” Then Bri took my hand and started pulling me up the hill and onto the path that winds through the graveyard. Just then I saw my way out of this soon to be mess.
“Look, that sign says that we can’t go in” I said, hoping that Bri would pay attention to this rule. “There are lots of other things that we could do for an hour. Lets just go and sit in a store and get some lunch.”
“It will be fun. We can visit Madam Derby and wish her a merry Christmas.”
“Why would we wish the dead founder of our school a merry Christmas?” I hoped that she would get distracted by my comment long enough to walk past the graveyard.
Hmm, well that's a fun way to get across that tiny bit of exposition there. I love how you make that as subtle and natural as possible and this little argument of sorts here is also letting us know a bit about the personality of these two and this is also proving to be a nice addition here in this first chapter.
“Come back”, I called to Bri, but she just continued on her way up the hill. I came to the realization that I had two choices, I could either continue standing on the side of the road, or I could follow Bri into the graveyard. And really, what was going to happen in the graveyard? “I need to stop reading all these scary stories,” I muttered to myself as I began my accent up the hill. I found Bri waiting for me just at the top of the very short hill.
“Glad you could make it” she said to me in a joking manner.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I rolled my eyes as I joked back, “Now why are we here?”
“Like I said, so we can wish Madam Derby a merry Christmas”
“Okay, Merry Christmas Madam Derby.” I said hoping that would be enough excitement for the day. “Now lets get out of here before we get in major trouble.”
“No” Bri said stubbornly, “Hey look, I think that’s her grave over there.”
“No, I don’t think it is”
Hmm, well this is the epitome of being convinced by a friend to do something dangerous...although I'm sure this time this was more of a genuine attempt at having a bit of fun here. The arrival of ghosts should they arrive is probably not something they could have predicted. At any rate, I like the bit of reluctance there before eventually this one just has to go with the flow..let's see where this takes us here.
“Come on, have some excitement in your life!” she said while walking past me to the grave. While peering around at all the different graves, Bri made her way to her goal. When she reached Madam Derby’s grave, she stepped up onto the grass just four feet in front of the headstone.
“Lets go” I told Bri, starting to get worried that something was bad was going to happen. She just continued standing, looking down at the ground, beneath which lay the remains of who knows how many bodies.
“Come on,” I said one last time while pulling her back onto the path, “this place is giving me the creeps”. As she stumbled onto the path, she caught her hand on a piece of jagged rock.
“ouch”. She said, surprised as a drop of blood fell from her hand, onto the ground.
“Are you okay?” I asked, concerned.
“Yah, lets get out of here. I’m starting to get really scared too now.”
Oh that's definitely something there. It seems like an innocent enough accident there but it just adds a lovely extra air of tension to this and the atmosphere suddenly changes from a fun things with two friends to them both now being scared and wanting to get out...I think its a lovely point to end on her for a first chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this is a pretty solid first chapter here. I definitely think it could make for a very interesting story here judging from this and I'd certainly read on for a second chapter.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253238
Reviews: 4095
Donate