Red surrounded by white.
Like a pizza, it brings joy.
But it brings a different kind of joy.
A joy riddled with melancholy,
with guilt and fear, and dread.
You know it can only get better,
but your heart tells you it will get worse.
People ask why you feel this way.
They don't understand,that there is no reason.
That you're brain is messed up.
When they ask, you realize how foreign the idea is to them.
Maybe you just weren't meant for this life.
It would be easier just to end it.
Even when they tell you you're loved.
And they ask why that doesn't make you feel better.
You just feel worse.
You know you should feel good because they care.
And it hurts them that you don't feel there love gives you a point.
But that's just another thing that you've failed at.
Yet one more reason to add to the list of why you shouldn't exist.
No matter how short or long that list is doesn't matter
Because there is nothing to counter it.
Nothing on the lists of reasons why you should exist.
Not a person or thing to make life worth it.
But you can't weaken.
No matter how hard it gets to be alive,
You can't take the easy way out.
You deserve the daily torture of living.
After all, you must.
There must be a reason that you deal with the torture of life,
while others speak only of the joys of it.
Another thing that you've done wrong.
So you have to punish yourself.
And by punishing yourself,
you make it slightly more bearable.
You dig the sharp metal into whatever blank canvas you can find.
Scouring your body for an unscarred place that others won't see.
The blade feels painful, yet the sweet bitterness reminds you what it is like to feel anything.
It gives you a short break from the mental torture,
and gives you something solid to grasp.
The cold shiny object flowing through your skin keeps you from choking on the mouthful of self detest that you haven't been able to swallow.
It gives you just enough time, to take a breath that can last you until the next time.
then you realize how wrong it is.
People talk about how horrible it is
and what a shame it is that people feel it is necessary.
It's just another thing you've failed at.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello! Molly here to review! I am so passionate about is poem- maybe even more than the author! So so many people can relate to this, it's unreal. The wording in this poem is overall great and I loved the intense imagery. The poem is immensely charming and intriguing. Overall, the grammar seemed to be fixed and not worth repeating, so I'll let that go. The words really touched my heart and I could feel the pain and mixed feelings shine brightly through your poem. Well done.
Keep writing
Funky on the floor
-molly
Hi live1out2loud7! Buzz here to review.
.
This is a beautifully saddening poem you have here, it has emotion and a strong connection to what people can relate with in this society and I like the emotional build up you created. I will highlight my favorite parts of your poem and my observations on what I think you could improve on.
"Red surrounded by white.
Like a pizza, it brings joy."
I liked this opening as I found quite humorous.
"But it brings a different kind of joy.
A joy riddled with melancholy,
with guilt and fear, and dread."
Here, I liked the change of atmosphere to more negative adjectives.
"You know it can only get better,
but your heart tells you it will get worse.
People ask why you feel this way.
They don't understand,that there is no reason.
That you're brain is messed up."
Here, things started to fall slightly flatter. There's perhaps too many syllables here that are inconsistent, try shortening your words or use other vocabulary words. In your last line it's meant to be, "your" also the term of your brain being messed up seems a bit off, imagery would have been great to describe your confusion e.g. "That your brain is delusional"
"When they ask, you realize how foreign the idea is to them.
Maybe you just weren't meant for this life.
It would be easier just to end it.
Even when they tell you you're loved.
And they ask why that doesn't make you feel better.
You just feel worse."
The first line is fine, but again, it has too many syllables to flow. I would have cut out the fifth line altogether, it's more or less repeating the last line, but with more words.
"And it hurts them that you don't feel there love gives you a point.
But that's just another thing that you've failed at.
Yet one more reason to add to the list of why you shouldn't exist."
Line 1; You've used the wrong "there" it's meant to be "their" always proof-read the grammar in your work, also where you say "love gives you a point" perhaps you should rephrase that sentence, punctuation wise it's not making sense. I know you've written it in second person e.g. you but at some parts I feel first person narrative would have worked nicely.
The rest I think is overall good, just a few other things to edit, but great and keep writing!
Hope I was help to you and if this poem is very personal to you I'd just like to say, You should exist so add that to your list
-Buzz
Hello, live1out2loud7! I'm Griffin, I don't think I have met you. Welcome to YWS! I am here for a review for this piece.
I found the short sentences to be nice, but then the long ones had a lot of depth too...Good all around.
Okay. So I like this piece quite a bit. It is a very deep topic that you chose, and I like the style. I like how it seems accusatory and yet riddled with guilt. The repeated "you" throughout is a nice touch. I found the rhythm to be both intriguing but also threw me off at times. I know that this is a free verse poem, so the rhythm is supposed to be nonexistent, but whatever. Just my opinion.
As for grammar and nit-picks, here is what I have.
In this, the "there" should be "their".
and
These two lines are pretty close together, and they both use the word "exist". It felt repetitive when I read this. Maybe find a synonym for "exist"? After all, creative adjectives are what make a work juicy!
Same thing here. You say "torture of living" and then "the torture of life." It feels really repetitive, because what you are basically doing is repeating the same phrase, only rearranged. Maybe find a synonym for "torture", or cut out one of the phrases all together.
I liked this piece, but in my opinion it felt really long. I liked the content, and some of the lines were fantastic, such as
(Although I am not sure if "unscarred" is a word...)
and
These were great lines. However, notice that these are both taken from the very end of the poem. I felt like it took a while for you to get down to business, get to the meat of the poem, and state what you were really searching to say all along. The beginning was great, the end was great, but the middle felt very repetitive. I think that this poem could be cut down to what is important, and then the reader can focus more on what you are saying, instead of being overwhelmed by the sheer number of lines.
Overall, I liked this poem. I think it has a lot of potential, and you can do a lot with it, in my opinion.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC