The trust that had never been earned.
The thoughts that had never completed a full circle.
The actions that never had a chance of taking place.
All gone.
One simple question.
Two questioning people.
Three people waiting.
Four others in the waiting room.
Five simple pictures of others.
Six endings simply drawn.
Seven hours spent on end.
Eight reasons to spend the effort.
Nine o'clock takes effort to awaken.
Ten million reasons to not awake these issues.
Nothing was all that wrong.
If only you had not opened the book,
read the pages,
seen the pictures,
imagined the frame of mind,
dreaded the outcomes.
Why did you read it,
when I told you not to?
A misguided helping hand,
attempting to answer my cry for help
and reading my deepest darkest thoughts
that were never meant to break through,
to the surface of the real world.
Why did you read it?
Why did you open my diary?
The place where the dark thoughts,
of a seemingly cheerful person,
come to rest.
They linger there,
taking the weight of loneliness, hopelessness, and dread
off of my mind.
The creatures of night,
of dark,
of death,
live in the depth of my brain,
clawing at the walls of my head,
barking to be let out.
but my mind is a fortress.
The rabid animals may take over each piece of brain,
slowly creeping over every single cell,
ravaging every bit of knowledge,
but they will never get out.
They will never see the light of day.
Even now, that you know they exist,
you still can not see them.
Aside from what is written in that dreaded book you read,
you have no proof they exist.
So, why did you read it?
Why did you open my diary?
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hello! So I'm sure you've started to wonder who your not-so-secret Santa is. Well wonder no longer, for it is I *cue some rather dramatic music*
I saw on your wall you were asking for poetry reviews so I shall give you two of those
Line-By-Line
First I'll tell you my thoughts as I'm reading through!
Title: I'm not sure about this. It's a little plain and ordinary, not cliche - which is good - but not attention grabbing either. I wonder if playing with the words a little wouldn't help, like Questions Counted or The Count of Questions. It just feels like it needs something more.
This is an interesting way to start the poem, it's a little slow, but it did engage my attention. I think perhaps the third line is too clunky and difficult to read. Maybe it's the tense you're using here, this 'had never' which is a little awkward and not very easy to read and yet works well for the first sentence. I'd maybe suggest something like:
The trust that had never been earned,
the thoughts never to spin a full circle
and the actions with no chance of taking place.
I really like what you are doing here and continue to do in the lines to come: that building of numbers and carrying over of a word or idea from each line. It creates a really nice sense of disconnection, while holding everything together so perfectly. Good stuff!
The repeat of simple and simply is too much in these lines. There are much stronger adjectives and it's too weak a word to repeat twice so close together, plus not necessary since you have the continuation of 'others' and the theme of drawing to connect this group of lines.
Overall
After the stage of counting, I feel like you lose some of the focus in the poem and the second half isn't as strong and grows repetitive. I think you need to ask yourself what is the main message you want to convey? If it's that this relationship can never be the same again because of the break of trust, then we need to be shown more about the relationship. There is no sense of who this other character is and that really lets the poem down. I get a good feel for the narrator and the pain they feel, but this other is just as important and I want to understand the story better. What is happening at the hospital - the mention of waiting room makes me imagine that as the setting - and what has this breach in trust caused to happen? Are they still friends? Can they no longer be friends?
If you pull the focus back in for that second half and give a greater sense of the setting and the other character, I think this could be a strong poem.
I hope this review is at least somewhat helpful and feel free to ask me questions!
Heather xx
Wow. I absolutely love this piece- it perfectly captures the feelings and hurt of someone whose feelings and thoughts have been forcibly taken and read. I adored your word choice. It just sent chills down my spine as I read. The one thing I could say is mentioning your diary. This is probably just a me thing, but the entire poem was delightfully vague, then you go and name your diary specifically. You could say "a stronghold for the words I cannot say, the pages trapping the thoughts that cannot escape into reality" or something similar. However, it's probably just me being picky. Other than that, it was wonderful. Keep writing!
Hi
This poem was good. I usually don't lke the whole dread and darkness thing but this was actually different than I thought it was going to be, which was really nice. I actually really enjoyed it. You had some great metaphors and breaks, and your pelting of questions really worked well for the tone of this poem. The counting near the beginning of this piece was great too. I don't know why I liked it so much but it really just added that "something" you know? Okay, so now I must point out two small things that I think should be changed.
1) "awake" should technically be "awaken" in this line: "Ten million reasons to not awake these issues." but then you use the same word in the line above it, so you may just want to scrap "awaken" for a new, fresher word to avoid too much repetition.
2) You have a LOT of punctuation in this piece. Now, while some would disagree with me on this, and that's fine, but I think you should leave some out. Keep the question marks and the periods (but only because they have that weight which is what you need in this heavy piece) but you don't need all those commas since the line breaks themselves actually do sort of the same job that the commas do by breaking the reader's thought and the phrase on the page. This is totally up to you, but that's just my suggestion
Again, I really thought you did a good job on this piece and I hope you will continue to polish it and make it perfect! Thanks for a great read.
~Tiny
This was a good poem, I liked how you were drilling the audience with the question " Why did you open my diary?" over and over. It added a bit of suspense, haha. I liked the metaphors you used, such as; "The creatures of night,
of dark,
of death,
live in the depth of my brain,
clawing at the walls of my head,"
Nice job, keep it up.
hey!
your poem is very nice. you have shown every emotions very clearly. now i want to review your poem from top to bottom....
in your first stanza, you started well, with lot of emotional lines.
as i switched to next stanza, my mind started thinking about the innovation or say creativity, which you have inserted in your poem, magnificent. you used entire number system into your stuff, it's giving a nice-y touch to your work.
now as i was climbing down from your poetic tree, i was getting a good feeling, i was felling that someone is talking to me....someone is asking these questions to me.
your questionnaire was mind blowing.
if i say over all, your poetry was marvelous.
good job!
I really liked it, like a lot. Your writing is good. Be sure to keep up with it
Your poem is really good. It is quite creative and I can relate it to a lot of different things in my life, which is one of my favorite things about poetry. I like that you slowly shape the poems topic. Its slightly dark which is quite cool. ^_^