I wrote these last August, when I was going through a weird phase of listening to The White One Is Evil by Elliot Minor and Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance too much. 
I'm really proud of them. 
Any comments appreciated. 
*
Verse One:
The witches are brewing a potion
To send you into an endless sleep
Then they will cast a little spell
That will turn you into a zombie
So you’d better watch out
Chorus:
When the moonlight shines on your head
All your nightmares will come true
And your house, with all the people inside
Will be burning, burning into ashes
Verse Two:
Werewolves are waiting in silence
To snatch all the boys and girls
Who go out to play so innocently
Then they will devour the bodies
So you’d better watch out
Chorus:
When the moonlight shines on your head
All your nightmares will come true
And your house, with all the people inside
Will be burning, burning into ashes
Verse Three:
All the vampires are flying around
Looking for new humans to infect
Suck out the blood and drink it up
Then they will entrance all women
So you’d better watch out
Chorus:
When the moonlight shines on your head
All your nightmares will come true
And your house, with all the people inside
Will be burning, burning into ashes
(x2)
*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I agree with lordgluxman right away that you don't need to put Verse One, Chorus, etc. It looks a lot more professional if you take those out.
Getting into the actual lyrics...
In the first verse I like the first three lines the best. The second line goes a little out of rhythm to me which could probably be fixed by rephrasing it and cutting some words/syllables out. The fourth line didn't do much for me. I think most of it is 'zombie' because, to me, it sound really juvenile and sort of an attempt to rhyme 'sleep'. I think it'd be best to cut out 'zombie' and rephrase the line. 'So you better watch out' didn't fit in for me. It didn't flow with the rest of the stanza very well.
I like the chorus. It flows well, its catchy. Nice job
Kay, verse two. Again, I like the first three lines, they flow well and have a nice rhythm. I think you could improve the last two lines simply by taking out 'then' at the beginning of the fourth line. I think it improves the rhythm a lot.
Same thing for verse three. The first three lines are great, but the rhythm gets kind of messed up in the last two lines. Just taking out the word 'then' will help this out, I think.
Nice lyrics overall.
-Carly
DUDE, YOU DONT HAVE TO WRITE IF SOMETHING IS A VERSE OR NOT. WE CAN FIGUER THAT OUT BY OUERSELVES.
I ALSO CAN SEE THAT THIS IS ROCK, SO I THINK YOU SHOULD BE MORE HARDER ON THE LYRICS. ZOMBIE IS NOT A WRITE WORD UNLESS IF YOU ARE SINGING THIS TO A 10 YEAR OLD KID. DESCRIBE IT MORE MANLY
AND EMOTIONALY!
PERSONILY I WOULD GVE YOU 3/5 STARS. THE SONG WAS WORTH READING BUT NOTHING REALLY SPECIAL. BUT I STILL THINK THAT YOU DID A GOOD JOB TRYING ON THE SONG.
I AM SORRY IF I WAS TOO HARD ON YOU.
Hey =]
Ooh! I like this.
You know how rubbish I am at reviewing poetry and lyrics, so I won't even try to sound intelligent by critiquing this properly.
So, I'm now humming my own tune to go with the lyrics and I must say, it's quite catchy
A bit of a pointless review, but a good song writer needs to be told how good their songs are
I wish I could write lyrics
Oh well, you did a great job on this!
xDudettex