This is a slightly edited version of the piece I submitted for Suzannes vampire contest. Anyways, any advice would be totally appreciated.
“Ugh, I hate hippies. I can never get the taste of them out of my mouth.” Charlotte tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear before picking at the blood that had dried around her lips.
Hector chuckled. “I told you not to pick her. I always tell you, but do you ever listen to me?” He walked up to the girl’s corpse, solemnly examining her. She had been pretty when she was alive. But the color had fled from her skin and her blue eyes were struck open in horror. Blood stains trailed down her neck and disappeared between her breasts.
“You know, you wouldn’t even exist if it hadn’t been for me. So why don’t you keep the whining to yourself,” she snapped but there was a hint of affection hidden beneath her unsympathetic words. With the tip of her boot, Charlotte flipped the corpse over onto its stomach before lifting her foot and bringing it down sharply on the girl’s head. The crunch of her skull shattering under the impact echoed harshly in the woods.
But she didn’t intend for it to end there and Charlotte raised her boot again. Hector grabbed her by the arm, halting her with her foot just inches from the girls demolished head. Slowly, far slower than even a human, she stomped her heel into the ground and twisted around to face him. Her green eyes narrowed and her lips grew taunt.
“Now, now,” he mumbled to soothe her. “What have I told you about mutilating your meals?” Hector chortled. Tentatively he wrapped his arm around Charlotte’s waist. “Come now, my love. The coven is expecting us before dawn.”
Charlotte pressed her bloody lips to his cheek, leaving a soft red print behind. “That’s right,” she whispered into his ear, “We did have plans to meet with the rest of the family, didn’t we?”
Hector reached up and tucked away the same stray lock of platinum hair.
With a nod, their bodies dissolved, milky white at first before stretching out against the ground, morphing into a blanket of shadows and disappearing into the night.
The lump of human flesh shivered on the settee, trapped in the semi-conscious state between awake and asleep. Outside, thunder crashed, rattling the glass baubles in the chandelier above him. The human twisted over and his eyes opened.
He sat up quickly and glanced up at the clock. “Damn,” he grumbled and stood up, looking around the parlor.
Empty.
The plush leather lounge chairs had been abandoned and the dark velvet curtains had been drawn tightly over the window. But resting under the settee, he could see a thick shadow ripple and inch closer to his feet.
He backed away, giving the vampire room to morph. It hovered in front of him and shook slightly, arms and legs unfurling and hair taking shape. There was a little pop and Laura, slender and long, landed gracefully on the settee.
She ran her nimble fingers through her thick black curls and smiled. “Charlotte and Hector are waiting outside, Nathaniel. Would you please let them in?”
The boy bowed. “As you wish, my lady.” He scampered off down the hall and vanished from sight. Laura straightened her skirt and glanced at the clock. Dawn was less than an hour away, close enough that she could almost feel the sunlight trickling up over the horizon.
It didn’t take long for Nathaniel to return to the room, followed closely by the pair of vampires. Charlotte cupped the boys face in her left hand, bent down and whispered into his ear. He ran back out of the room, terrified.
Laura shot a quizzical look in Charlotte’s direction. “And may I ask what it was he said to you that you didn’t like?”
“He asked who I was,” Charlotte scowled. “It was…disrespectful.”
Laura dashed across the room and grasped Charlotte by the throat.
Hector backed off. “Sisters,” he whispered and dropped into one of the chairs.
“So you dared to threaten the next of this coven with disembowelment.” Her voice was steady and soft. Charlotte’s feet were an inch from the floor but she seemed unfazed, eyes relaxed with a small smile creeping up onto her mouth.
“Yes,” she chuckled. “Yes I did.”
Laura released her and Charlotte landed lightly in front of her. She smiled, embracing the familiar snap of her old companion’s response. The clock chimed abruptly, braking the moment “Oh dear, dawn is nearly here. Come along you two. I have a room prepared for the both of you.”
Nathaniel peeked his head back into the room just in time to watch the three vampires turn into a quivering shadowy mass and evaporated up the stairs.
The boy rubbed at his drooping eyelids. Tonight, he would need all of the energy he could muster.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hey, wariofart here for a review! Just a note, I haven't read any new-age vampires book, so I'm probably missing some vampire vocab.
I liked the beginning of the piece. It was funny in a creepy way, and set the mood very well.
Then, it felt like you moved a little to fast for the rest of the post. You introduced four characters very quickly, and barely gave them enough time to squeak out their personalities. The characters also seem uneven, like they all have a bad case of bi-polar. This makes the dialogue less interesting then it should. Right now, the human seems to be the most interesting character.
The plot was also kind of confusing. That might be intentional, but then the next half of this post will have a lot of explaining to do. For example, I didn't know what a "coven" was until I looked it up. Then I realized that the human will probably become a vampire in the next part. But before that, all I knew was that they were meeting, and the human seemed to be the butler.
This sentence is the only one I saw that needs a lot of grammar work. Switch "breaking" instead of "braking" and add a period after "moment."
This line made me think that the boy was trying to kill the vampires, for some reason.
Overall, this is a good first part. Try and solidify your characters personalities more, and don't be afraid to add more detail. You can always split this into three parts.
Llllllliiiiiiiillllllllllyyyyyyyyy! Hello!
I. NITPICKS
As an opening action, tucking her hair behind her ear isn't nearly as striking as picking at dried blood.
Question mark at the end.
girl's.
Plush leather lounge? Because that's not a mouthful, dear.
Alright.
II. DYNAMICS
Mm, they're suitably vampirish, aren't they? My only concern right now is your character dynamics. Look at Charlotte and Hector's relationship, it changes far too suddenly to lovey-dovey, from her being dominant to him being dominant. Then with Laura, it's unclear how she and Charlotte feel about each other. I'd love to see some clearer boundaries drawn, right now they're saying great lines and doing great things but they're too mercurial, even for vamps with short fuses. Decide on what exactly their relationships are, and who they themselves are, and show us those. It makes things much clearer.
III. OVERALL
I liked it- though where's the rest of the coven, all we saw was Laura, and then the beginning scene seemed a bit totally unrelated. Mind you, it's a good opening, so *shrugs*
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hey lily!
So this was good. I've never been fond of vampire novels-ever, but this WAS interesting. And creepy. Good job with the creepiness.
PLOT: Well, it is creepy. The readers might have an idea of what is going on, but why not make it a tad clearer? If this story is about a boy becoming a vampire, then perhaps make it center around that a bit more. If I guessed what the plot is about incorrectly, this is probably what the readers will think so maybe work on that.
FLOW: Nothing wrong here really. Your transitions are pretty good. I think this line should be edited though because it made me giggle.
I don't think this guy should be described as a lump of human flesh, but that is just me. Just saying he was human in a vampire lair would make the readers interested. Other than the comment above, I think this aspect is good.
CHARACTERS:
Nice, creepy characters. I am particularly interested in Charlotte, although I hope she isn't the main character because I loathe her.
OVERALL:
Very good! I think you should be less dark and ominous and more detailed. Give us some look into the characters emotions a bit. Since this is only a short story I take it, you don't have to do it too much. I can already tell about Charlotte, but that's it for me. Good luck with the contest! Hope I helped.
-Esther