Nala was a tool of destiny. Her only responsibility was to separate the soul from the body and pass the soul on to the white-winged Angels of Deliverance who would move the soul on to begin its next life. They called her kind, for she was not the only one, Death Bringers. It was with they're touch that the soul would never return to its previous host.
Nala watched the murderous dance step-by-step as he pressed her to the grimy building and held her at her throat. She fought and squirmed, her blue eyes bulged in fear, her hair flying in tangles as she struggled for release. He held her tight and cut a slit up the side of her tattered yellow sun dress, destroying the delicate cotton. He pressed the blade to her cheek and she screeched. The sound seemed to spur him forward and he pushed the blade into her neck. It took only a moment and she was gone. There was no fight in her anymore. Death was all that was left.
He pressed a kiss upon her blood stained cheek, pulled the blade from her neck, and dropped her body to the ground. He left the alley within the minute, only hesitating to for an instant to look back at the girl one last time as if he wanted to be certain she really was dead.
Nala could see her life force fading, a small silver light at her heart dimming slowly until it was no more then a candle’s flame sputtering out in the wind. When it was gone, she dropped to the ground and looked at the girl with more precise examination.
Blond ringlets faded to sable at the scalp and brown flecks peeked out behind blue contacts. A narrow scar was fading at her nose, scalpel-precise; and temporary bronzer was smeared on her chest.
“You going to take her yet, or are you waiting for her corpse to start stinking?” Corrine snapped as she landed with a soft whoosh. They were mirror images of one another, sharing the same curious green eyes, small, sharp-featured faces, and lithe, strong bodies. The similarities were interrupted by Corrine’s silvery wings, so wide that they would not open fully within the alley.
She tucked them in tight at her side but stopped before her naked feet touched the blood that had gathered near the body.
“Have you no respect for the dead, Corrine?” Nala bit back.
“I’ve been sympathetic to enough of them. I’m tiring of my obligations to the Angel’s Creed. Let’s just get this show on the road.”
Nala shook her head and ran her hand over the girl’s arm. The smell of ozone filled the air and alleyway quivered for an instant before the girls soul appeared, rather corporeal for the fact that she was dead, and it stood there, shocked.
She moved her mouth but no sound passed her lips, only cold ghostly breath.
“Aw, the silence of death. The fact that the dead cannot speak is such a peaceful thing, isn’t it?” Corrine remarked. She wrapped her sinewy fingers around the girls arm and took off. “I’ll be seeing you when I see you, Nala.”
Lily's Notes: This is the sencond of a three part short story for BigBadBear's "What is Evil and Good?" Contest. The whole point of this short story is to explore my definition of good and evil through the actions of my rather conflicted Nala. You can find the first part here.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hey Lily!
Okay, so I know this is a part two, but it's still a fairly wordy and, uh, confusing way to start. I think, first of all, you should consider breaking up the sentences so they're shorter and easier to get my head round. Second, you kind of just throw a lot of information at the reader here and it took me a couple reads to actually get it. So, I've inserted a comma and dashes, which help, but I think you should space it out a bit more; intersperse the information with some action (even if it's just ...Angels of Deliverance. Nala felt the air beneath her wings; they called her kind... Okay, so that's a really bad example, but you get what I mean, right? Otherwise it's tiring.
Moving on!
Again, the wording makes this bit kind of confusing. I love the murderous dance, except for the step-by-step, which doesn't seem to fit...and while I love it, is dance really a term that can be used here? I'd like it better if it were describing a chase. Or a struggle. Or something that involved more...I dunno, movement, interaction, I guess. *shrug* The bit that I crossed out I think is unnecessary and clutters up the sentence.
Okay, so Nala just watched a girl get brutally murdered and we get no reaction from her at all? I mean, I guess the point is that it's normal for her, so there is hardly a reaction to describe, but I'd like, at least, for a sentence that says that. So it's not like you just forgot you were writing it from her point of view. Like a this scene had become so familiar to Nala that what should have aroused horror only provoked in her a detached amusement. Again, bad example, but at least it's something.
I like this description but I'd like it better if the semi-colon were a comma.
Should be girl's, possessive. So does the soul look like a transparent-y version of the girl's body? As this isn't exactly an every day occurence in the real world, don't just assume that we know what it should look like.
From finishing this part, and the first part, I haven't read the third yet but I'm about to: wow. I love this idea. I don't usually read fantasy, but you've done a very good job of integrating your ethereal character into the real world so it isn't all fairies and dragons and princesses and blah, which is what I usually think of fantasy. (I should start reading more.) And, despite what this critique may suggest, I think it is well-written. But it could be better, of course.
This all could also be summed up into one word, your biggest problem, IMHO: description. There isn't enough of it; I know this is a short story, but as it's fantasy, it needs a lot of explanation. Otherwise us readers will finish your piece with a shake of the head and an "lolwhut?" which is never a good thing.
I feel like you sort of thought it had to be very short (do you have a max word limit?) and so it felt a bit rushed, and I know I haven't finished it yet, but there are a lot of things that have been started and then just left off. Like the Angels/Death Bringers. And Nana. And Marian, were they Death Bringers too? And Corrine, it's obvious she's a DB, but who is she really? A friend/rival/cousin? Etc etc.
Really clever and original, I just think it needs a bit more attention. Good luck in the contest; I'm sure you'll do well.
-Mars
Hey Lily =]
I'm back for part two!
So...
who would move the soul - I'd add 'then' after 'would'
for she was not the only one, Death Bringers. - So is she a Death Bringer? If so, I think that this sentence would sound better worded as; '...for she was not the only Death Bringer.' - If I've got it wrong then I'm sorry
they're touch that - 'they're' should be 'their'
He held her tight and cut a slit up the side of her tattered yellow sun dress, destroying the delicate cotton. He pressed the blade to her cheek and she screeched. - Maybe here, you could add in a little on how Nala feels about watching all of this. Does she hate that she's not allowed to interfere? Does it make her angry? etc.
dropped her body - This is only a suggestion, but maybe you could add 'lifeless' after 'her'
only hesitating to for an - I don't think that you need 'to' here.
girls - 'girl's'
Overall;
I think you did much better with sentence langth in this part, making it easier to read.
I'd have liked a little more description on Nala's surroundings though. Could she hear the hum of traffic that was unaware to the slaughtering of the girl? What did the man look like? - even if she could only see him from behind.
I still enjoyed reading this story and I'm looking forward to part three =] Could you please PM me when you post it?
I hope that I've been of some help to you!
xDudettex