The Choices We Make (Part 2 of 2)

Lily's Notes: Hopefully you read Part One first. If not, read that one, then this one please. Also, thank you to everyone who read the first part and came back for seconds. Like I mentioned above, this is for Rosey's Contest and I really hope the ending doesn't disappoint. Comments and reviews welcomed and appreciated.

She clamped her hand over his mouth and put a finger to his lips, silencing his apology.

“Do you think anyone really knows about this place?” Nala pulled herself out from under Damien and stared, still struck with awe at everything around her.

“I’m sure someone did at one time. Why else would we be forbidden to enter the caves?” Damien pulled himself off the ground and gawked at a large gem protruding out of the ground. He bent down and dusted away the lose sand around it. Moments later, he held an emerald, the size of his fist. His jaw gaped open as wide as the mouth of the cave.

“Put that down and get over here,” Nala hissed. She could have cared less about the gems sparkling all along the ground. No, she was too busy staring at the massive cavern around them. Tunnels branched off, this way and that way.

Overhead, a massive hole in the ceiling revealed a pair of moons, peering down at them like a mother’s watchful stare. For an instant, home seemed lost, too far away to consider remembering. She shook the thought away and peered around the corner.

Tunnels branched off in every direction, cut short when each opened up into a spectrum of colorful, brilliant worlds, so very different from her own. Nala danced as she glanced at each one, unable to focus for more than an instant before something new would catch her eye.

Damien couldn’t move.

He didn’t dare speak. Petrified, he could only gape at Nala’s brazen curiosity.

She stopped dead as soon as she saw the boat. “I knew it. Damien come here and look at this.”

His feet remained planted.

The little craft bobbed excitedly in the water, a constant current bubbling up from beneath the rocks and tugging on the delicate chain that docked the craft along the ground. “Where do you think the…Damien, get over here,” Nala barked.

He jumped nervously, his bravado fully shaken. There was hesitation in his first steps and the look in his eyes screamed with a fear of the world collapsing suddenly around them; of discovery; of the unknown. But he came to her side slowly.

She brushed her fingers over the length of the boat. It was as long as she was tall, with two little bench seats built on opposite ends. The craft was meant for a pair.

But a pair of what? Adventurers? Lovers? Rebels?

‘Don’t ask too many questions. It makes one seem unintelligent.’ Mother’s voice was there again, taunting her.

“Will you come with me, Damien?” The question was soft spoken and a part of her wanted him to share the adventure.

“To where? You have no idea where this thing leads. You don’t even know if that boat will carry just you.” In the caves quiet, his words were loud. They were hurtful.

“So you’re going to turn around and put your back to something that could be extraordinary?”

“Yes.” For only a moment, he hesitated, but she caught the faltering in his voice. In that instant of delay, her hopes flew and fell to the ground. She didn’t want to go it alone. But she would.

Nala stuck her nose up a little and looked down at him. “I guess all handle this one on my own then.” She spoke scornfully. “Go home, Damien. Just go.”

He started to turn away but his instincts, the ones yelling at him to run from the unknown, faltered for an instant and he looked back at Nala.

“I said go.”

He didn’t stop this time but skulked back they way they had come.

At the mouth of the cave he haulted, keeping Nala and the little boat in sight. She loosened the chain from the post that held it and stepped into the boat gracefully. The pair of moons overhead cast an eerie glow around her, twisting silver light into her golden hair.

Damien braced his body against a towering stalagmite. He watched as she shoved the ground hard only once and drifted away.

“Be safe,” he whispered.

She didn’t hear him. And she never came back.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
bludragon525
Review

Hey!

I liked this. I just found a few things here and there....

1)

Damien couldn’t move.

He didn’t dare speak. Petrified, he could only gape at Nala’s brazen curiosity.


Wait, I thought he wanted to come. So why is he afraid?

2) Why did Nala decide to go into the caves and not come back? Didn't she want to prove that she could go there and still return?

3)
“Be safe,” he whispered.


Now I'm confused. Weren't they mortal enemies or something in the first half?

I thought that you could have put a little more detail in this. Describe the characters, explain thoughts, emotions. You could add a lot more to this, which, over time, could improve this story a ton.

Overall, good job! Keep up the good work!

zOe :smt043

User avatar
StellaThomas
Review

Hey Lily! Stella again!

I. NITPICKS

Nala danced


She danced?

Oh, only one...

II. PURPOSES

What was Nala's purpose of going to the caves?

To show she could do so and still return.

So has she completed it? No.

I think it would be more interesting if you went back and explored this fact. She had every intention of coming back. Give us more of the thoughts that change her mind, show us why she decides to get into that boat. Does she not have any hesitation herself? Or is she quite happy to do so?

Also, Damien. Why does he accompany her, because it's quite vague. He stays behind, but if he wanted to go to the caves with her in the first place, wasn't he looking for adventure? Or a chance to hang out with her? So wasn't his purpose also defeated?

I don't know if that was the point you were trying to make, but I think it could use some more exploration. Why does this all happen? More importantly, why do they let it happen?

III. CHARACTERS

I want to see more of who these two are. First of all, what age are they, because we never find out. Why is Damien a snitch, and why does he scorn half-breeds? I'd like to see more behind him. And Nala herself, is she just your typical stereotype rebelling teenager, or is there more to her than that? At the moment, they're a bit 2-D...

IV. OVERALL

This flows well and is nicely written, could just use a little more work.

Hope I helped-drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.



Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
— Groucho Marx