Lily's Notes: So, for starters, I haven' written anything in what feels like ages. But Rosey's Contest got me motivated. Anyway, I know this is a smidge long but I didn't want to break it up into a bunch of tiny chunks. Well, that and the deadline is fast approaching, which means reviews would be very helpful.
Don’t.
That’s what they always told her. Don’t speak back to your elders; it’s disrespectful. Don’t play roughly with the boys; it’s unladylike. Don’t talk so loudly in the house; it’s obnoxious.
Don’t.
She was tired of everyone telling her what not to do. She craved freedom. She craved adventure.
So dusk hours, just as curfew set in, she slipped out of the house, out of the city, out. Her feet, her fingers, and her eyes itched to explore. She could see the mouth of the cave only a mile away, half obscured by a thicket of dense greenery. Temptation dragged her forward.
She glanced behind her, the city lost in the dark of the forest. Home was nowhere to be found.
’Don’t wander, you’ll get lost,’ her mother’s voice taunted her.
“I’ll show you, Mother. I’ll be home before dawn and no one will be the wiser,” she spoke to no one in particular, only the dainty green haze of night.
“Not if I tattle.”
She spun around.
He stood not five feet behind her, hands tucked in the pocket of his trousers, a crooked grin stretched across his face, yellow eyes glowing in the dusk. How did he sneak up on me?
“Damien,” she spit his name out matter-of-factly.
“Nala,” he mimicked the bitter tone in her voice and chuckled. “You know, you could lose a lot of merit points if you’re caught. Sneaking out. Leaving the city limits. Entering the caves.”
She knew he was right but she couldn’t stop him from telling. He was a known snitch. A rat.
Nala bit back, “And you won’t get into any trouble for being out of bed after curfew or for leaving the city.”
The grin on his face wavered and he looked down at the ground, his bravado suddenly broken. “Take me with you and I won’t tell.”
“What?” The request was a shock and her eyebrows furrowed, trying to read the look on Damien’s face. She couldn’t understand the new hint of mischief in his eyes.
“Just take me with you and I won’t say a word. Then we’re both in equal amounts of trouble. It makes us even.”
Giving up, Nala sighed. This was supposed to be my adventure. “You can come, just don’t be the reason we get caught. You swear you won’t say a word?”
“I swear.”
“Shake on it.” Nala thrust her hand out into the space between them.
His hands stayed tucked in his pockets.
“Shake on it or the night ends here,” she stated pointedly.
Reluctantly, he revealed a hand and shook. His palms were damp. Is he just as nervous as I am?
Nala dropped the shake and whirled around, advancing toward the cave mouth, head held high and strides so long and fast Damien had to jog to keep pace with her.
The nymph blood that ran through her veins made her tall. It gave her face an intense look. Sharp angles and narrow features. She was different from most. Elf blood was strong in the city.
Nala could see it in Damien. The pointed ears, petite build, and olive skin told all there was to tell about his lineage. Only the yellow glow in his eyes, just like hers, said that a dash of nymph ran through his veins, long washed out to nothing but a pinprick.
The thought of sharing anything with him made her blood boil. “Hurry up,” she snapped at him, quickening her pace.
“I’m not as tall as you, half-breed,” he spat.
She stopped dead in her path.
“Half-breed.” Her gaze was severe. “You have some of that blood running through your veins too, you know.” She widened her eyes to make an impact.
Damien dropped his gaze to the ground. “I’m sorry,” him mumbled.
“Whatever, half-breed,” she hissed back, already walking on, her pace a little slower.
They were silent until they reached the cave. Nala stretched her arm out as Damien caught up with her. “Have you got anything with you to cut through some of the underbrush?”
He shook his head. “I wasn’t really prepared for this. Left my ax in my other trousers. Sorry.”
“Just help me move these aside.”
He didn’t move, just stared through the brush into the mouth of the cave. It glowed gently, as if a fire was blazing from the inside. “Do you hear that?”
Nala strained her ears. At first she could hear only the faint buzz of the twilight around her but she could make out other sounds soon after. The slosh of water against rocks, the rattle of chains, the thunk of wood against the ground.
Her heart fluttered with excitement. She was all too familiar with that sound; it was a boat chained to its dock. “Hurry and help me.” She scrambled to push away the underbrush, fighting and thrashing through until she passed.
Damien, struggling far more with the thick, persistent blockade, didn’t see Nala gawking at the newly discovered world around her. As he stumbled free, he flailed forward, bringing both of them down.
They hit the ground with a solid thud. At any other time, Nala would have lashed at him with words and her fist, but even on the ground and bleeding a little from her forehead; she was awestruck by her surroundings.
Massive stalagmites thrust up out of the ground, patiently stretching to the ceiling. They looked like giant limestone fingers, desperately trying to touch the stalactites above them and wrap around them. A warm gesture made by stone. Everything glistened with delicate minerals.
“Nala, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hey Lily! Stella here!
So I'm entering the contest is well, and I've been critiquing all the other entries, I don't know why, I just have been. Don't question it
I. NITPICKS
Dusk hours? I can't decide if I like it or not...
Yeah.
II. DESCRIPTION AND DEVELOPMENT
I'd just like to see a little more of it, since the snippets you give us are so good! I want to know more about her parents, and about Nala herself. About Damien- who did he snitch on, the city... what's it like? Is there a reason for the curfew?
Not that much is need, just a little bit more to tide us over.
III. OVERALL
Since this is a two-parter, I don't have a whole lot to say this review, I'll say it in Part Two. I liked it though, it was difficult to find any other problems with...
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
I'll try and build on what's already been mentioned, but mostly I have just a few minor errors to point out.
This reads, to me, like home has run off somewhere. It just seems like the wrong choice of words, but then it may be me jumping to conclusions. Hopefully you'll get another review to agree or disagree.
'no one', I think you mean.
I don't think that makes sense. It would have to be "striding", which then kills off "long" as a description. You might have to rework that phrase.
The repetition of 'make out' disrupts the flow of the sentence. If you could work in 'hear' instead, the sentence might flow better.
Well, overall, I agree: we need to see a little more of these characters and their reasoning. The hostility between Nala and Damien is almost unexplained and his sudden decision to go with her seems, well, sudden, but not in the way you intended. The characters are there, but they need fleshing out.
The description of the cave at the end is probably the most we get throughout the story, and even that could do with some building up. I get the feeling it's quite a natural environment, so there should be plenty that you can describe.
I liked the explanation of lineage, which had been thought out. That was detailed; if you can build up the rest of this world to match it, you should have a really good piece. The dialogue is pretty much spot on and this was enjoyable to read - it should shape up very well.
Hello Lily.
Hrmm. It's an alright opening, but it doesn't exactly hook the reader. First thought that came into my mind when I saw this was "Should I tell her to follow the show don't tell rule?" I'm thinking that maybe you should try to reword this but make it less explicit.
Also, how does being disrespectful, rough and obnoxious link with the desires of freedom and adventure? It seems like there's a big gap here that needs to be bridged over.
Why is that though? I'm getting the feeling that it has something to do with the curfew and the boy's parents (I think that they run a house of discipline and stuffy morals). Maybe you can show that in the first paragraph (not only would it develop the characters more, but it will tie in nicely as to why they are heading off to the caves).
Very nice use of actions to characterize them here.
This is kind of vague. OK maybe she's excited because she's at the entrance of the cave, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
I would of had find this convincing if only you showed what her life was like when she's with her family.
Overall impressions:
Overall, this was OK. I really want to be able to like this piece, but it needs more convincing details and characterization.
I think at the start, you need to show more of Nala's life in the house hold and in the city. Obviously, life in there must be pretty boring if she wants to do something risky just to experience some sort of thrill right? Then show it. What was it like at home/the city? What are the parents/other boys like? Establishing this first helps to at least provide a solid reason as to why Nala and the boy would want to explore the caves.
Now let's talk about the characters directly. Nala to me seems like she is a trouble maker, quite headstrong and doesn't really seem to like idoits/jokers. Damien seems more like an annoyance, cheeky, but more of a chicken inside. At the moment, it's a good base, but they need to have more depth to them.
Doing the above will help, but also consider the following:
1. Show that Nala is quite bored of her life and that her behaviour is due to this.
2. Why are Nala and Damien nervous? Show it.
3. Why would Damien want to nark on Nala? Why do they fight? I don't really think that it's because Nala doesn't like jokers or that they insult each other(so what if they are half-bloods?). There has to be a greater reason out there that will concern both characters.
And just a minor note, but I think you could of had added more awe and mystery to the whole 'cave' thing. Reading from Rosey's thread, this is the feeling that I would expect from such a contest, yet I didn't get much of it.
This could be because your descriptions seem lacking. From the get-go till the cave, it seems rushed. It's like what lies between the home and the cave isn't that well thought out. I dunno how to describe it, but if you are going to have a magical cave, then obviously it would be isolated from society right? Therefore, I'm sure that it's more than just a simple hike through the forest (that's what your descriptions at the moment imply).
So yea, I hope this helped. Good luck.
Andy.