“When you lose hope, evil is first in line to fill your heart. And once it has a grasp on you, it will never let go,” warned the old woman as she held her grand-daughter who in return coddled a kitten, a frail, white farm cat with blind blue eyes and a sleek, pampered coat.
“But Nana, can’t you just be born with so much good that you can never be evil. Like fairies or princesses or, like, Skippy,” the little girl asked, looking up at her grandmother, her green eyes twinkling with curiosity.
“Yes, sweetie, fairies, princesses and even Skippy,” she answered, running her old crooked fingers over the kitten who purred excitedly. “No one is born to be either good or bad. It isn’t predetermined by the stars. But people like you and me and your momma, we can all become bad if we lose hope.”
“Mom, I think that’s enough of your silly talk for such little ears,” the girl’s mother interrupted, walking into the room and swinging her daughter into her arms in a wide arch.
“You guys are leaving then, Marian,” the old woman asked, watching as her daughter bent down to lift the frightened kitten off the ground where she had fled.
“Yeah, I want to make it back to the city before the evening rush. We’ll be back next weekend, Mom.” Marian bent down, still holding onto her daughter who in turn had taken hold of Skippy, and kissed her mother’s wrinkled cheek.
“Mommy, I wanna stay with Nana,” the little girl pleaded, stretching her free arm out and struggling to break away from her mothers hold.
The old woman grabbed her grand-daughter’s tiny hand and held on tight. “Now, now little Nala, I can’t take care of you here. But your mother will bring you back soon enough.”
---------------
Some ten, possibly eleven, years later, Nala stood on the roof of they’re old New York apartment. And she couldn’t shake the words her grandmother had spoken to her all those years ago.
Mostly, she couldn’t shake the feeling that they might not have been true. Certainly, they must be a fallacy for there was evil in her and yet she held on to hope. Could it be possibly to have hope in your heart but evil in your soul, permanently threaded into your destiny? It was too much to answer at one time. Were she too answer it, it was likely the sky of her world would collapse.
Nala cut a stunning figure in the midnight light, black hair whipping around her pale face, green eyes gleaming, and her wings outstretched full and wild, welcoming the cold bite of the October night.
Much had changed in the last few years. Well, really only one thing had changed; she had inherited a legacy, the wings of her family.
She walked over to the ledge of the rooftop, and hopped onto the very precipice of the building. Folding in her wings, she looked human for an instant, a human poised to jump to her death.
Somewhere in the distance, sirens screamed out and she jumped. There was a moment where her stomach somersaulted and the sensation a free falling was all she could feel before her wing burst out full and a gust of wind carried her up over the city streets.
They lived in a quieter part of the city, devoid of the constant bustle that was a part of the New York image. There were no towering sky scrapers or thumping clubs with massive queues lined along sidewalk for blocks. Just quiet apartments with empty lamp-lit parks littered about sparsely.
And somewhere she didn’t know, only felt in her gut, a man was about to plunge a knife into a helpless girl. Without trying, her wings pushed her there, to an alley in Queens. She could hear the screaming and she could smell the fear pulsing through the girls veins.
She hovered above the buildings. It was her job to watch and wait, not to interfere.
Lily's Notes: This is the first of a three part short story for BigBadBear's "What is Evil and Good?" Contest. The whole point of this short story is to explore my definition of good and evil through the actions of my rather conflicted Nala.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hey lily! Here's my review for you!
Nitpicks
There should be a question mark after evil, not a period.
You need another question mark here.
Sentences
I agree with everyone else who has reviewed this. Your sentences are a bit too long; maybe you can split them into a couple of shorter sentences?
Overall
I really liked this. You had a good, strong start, and I can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work!
zOe
Hey Lily =]
I was searching through for something to review and the title of your story caught my eye
I'm going to take a look at this for ya'
So...
of they’re old - 'they're' should be 'their'
Were she too answer it, - I think 'too' should be 'to'
Well, really only one thing had changed; she had inherited a legacy, the wings of her family. - I know that this is a short story, but maybe you could add in a little about what it was like for her when she found out about her families legacy. Was she already aware of it when she got her wings, etc. I just think that a little information would be useful here =]
sensation a free falling - Should 'a' be 'of' ?
They lived in a - You mention 'they' before, when you talk about the apartment. Who does she live with exactly? Her mom? A little info would be nice =]
Overall;
I think that this is a good start to a story. I can't wait to read on
Also, I agree with the other reviewers about sentence length and the description of the flying and her surroundings.
I hope that this review has been of some help to you!
xDudettex
I very much enjoyed this and think that it could go somewhere very new and original... Or very cliched'. I would, however, like to have more detail near the end where she senses the girl. It kind of seemed rushed. Maybe add some foreshadow? All in all a good piece of work and I look forward to reading the rest.
Hiya!
Sentence length: As Meadow pointed out, some of your sentences are a bit long. For a good rule of thumb, use short sentences when you want a choppy, heart-pounding event, and longer sentences if you want a slower feel.
Flying: I find there is some feeling missing about flying, right at the start of flying. Mostly, I'm wondering if she always feels like that when she flies (her stomach drops, she steps off the ledge with her wings folded, ect). You mention that her wings "automatically" open, but I'd still like to know what's "normal" for her when she flies.
Message: I'd be careful that you don't start hammering a meaning into people's heads. The best stories have a nice, subtle message that makes the reader think and put stuff together in their own minds. If things become too preachy, then some people might turn off. I do believe you can go a bit obvious with the contest, just be careful. ^_^
Overall: I enjoyed this. There were a few sketchy feelings, and sometimes this was a bit strong, but it was a solid work overall.
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Heya there Lily!
Just want to say, excellent story. I love it already. Ahem, now that the praise is done, to the review--I bet you're shaking with excitement.
The description of the kitten could be its own seperate sentence as this one is long enough already
The little girl asked a question so there should be a question mark instead of a comma after Skippy.
This is another question so you know what needs to be where
Remember, long sentences had a tendency to lose their effect after awhile. Short sentences are your friend
Change "possibly" to "possible".
Long sentence! You gotta watch out for these little blokes. They're in places you didn't even know they were
~~~~~
You have some great description in this. But give the three characters in the beginning a bit more. Like what did the old grandmother look like? And the room they were in. Were they sitting in a rocking chair or were they on a deck enjoying the warm sunset?
Watch out for those long sentences. Like I said above, shorter sentences have more effect.
Have any questions give me a PM.
Happy Writing!
Meadow