Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Alice walked over to the Rabbit Man wondering if maybe he would talk to her this time.
"Excuse me sir," She said.
"Oh Mary Ann, what are you doing out here you must go and get me another pair of gloves and a fan, I need them immediately so do not dilly dally" He said pointing over to the woods.
"O..O..Of course" She said as she began walking in the direction that the Rabbit Man had pointed. Although she was quite confused on how someone could mistake her for a woman named Mary Ann but she did not want to provoke the man.
Eventually she came upon a house, it was small and only had one room with a table in it. On that table were two or three pairs of gloves and another fan. She picked them up and inspected them closely. They were in fact the fan and gloves the rabbit had had before.
"Not so fast," The tormenting voice from before called. "You won't be getting so soon."
"What do you mean?" Alice asked the voice.
"If you would pay attention you would notice that the room is getting smaller or perhaps you are getting bigger," It said. "You'll find out soon enough"
The voice left again and Alice was brought back to reality; the room was in fact getting smaller.
Alice began to worry, for now her arm was through a window and her leg up the chimney.
"Mary Ann what the devil is taking you so long, oh my, this is not good, not good at all." The Rabbit Man said. "Pat get over here, now"
"Yes master" A voice called.
"You need to get that thing out of my house, now" The Rabbit Man said.
"Yessir" Pat said.
Pat went over to Alice's arm that was sticking out of the window and began to pull. Alice grabbed the mam, who was rather furry and threw him. A large crashing sound came as the man had been thrown into a tree branch.
"Dear lord I am going to be late," The Rabbit man said. "And now I have another body to bury. Bill get here now and climb down that chimney."
A lizard man this time came from the forest. This man was completely bare, as he presented himself to the Rabbit Man.
"Yes master" The man said.
"Climb down that chimney and get whatever the hell is inside that house out of there" The Rabbit Man said.
"Yessir" Bill said as he climbed up the roof into the chimney.
A few seconds later Bill came skyrocketing out of the roof, for Alice had kicked him. Bill met a worse fate than Pat.
"Very well then, I will just get you out myself." The Rabbit Man said.
He walked over to the house began to throw things at Alice.
"Okay, you have been punished enough for now" The invisible voice called.
Alice shrunk back down to her original size and the Rabbit Man entered the room.
"How dare you do this to my house, leave now and never return!" He yelled. "Leave!"
Alice left the house in a hurry; she didn't want to anger the man, for he had a knife. She ran through the forest unit she came into another clearing. There was a large mushroom to her side, about the size of her. She looked over the edge and there was a very skinny caterpillar smoking a hookah. He looked very scary as if he could easily be a rapist or a pedophile. Alice shrunk back down, hoping he hadn't noticed her.
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Oh, the horror.
But I don't think that there's enough of it here. Usually, description helps with making things more gruesome. Fountains of blood, corpses torn open, entrails leaking from deep cuts, ribbons of flesh mangled and entangled; the list goes on. An amazing description can make people fear just about anything.
As for grammar, when you put who is talking in the same sentence as their dialogue, you need to replace periods with commas. For example:
"Very well then, I will just get you out myself," the Rabbit Man said.
Also, the first line of dialogue for the malevolent voice is redundant. Fix that.
Overall, description would immensely improve this story. Throw some adjectives and adverbs in. Cheers.
-Chaser
A caterpillar rapist or caterpillar pedophile, that's funny as hell and creative. It will crawl up your leg and take advantage of you. It will worm it's way inside you, and then back out. Yeah that idea is just to funny, and easy to play around with.
I didn't notice and typos or wrong punctuation so good job there, but I am curious exactly how this qualifies as horror specifically. I can see how it might be obnoxious to be in her shoes in your version of the tale, or odd at parts. But It doesn't seem any more or less frightful as the original was. It terms of fear, the thee of four chapters I have read in your story didn't have anything I could picture scaring someone who isn't five. No offense but the title really just does not fit, and this isn't a horror or thriller or even remotely close to one. A horror or thriller and a bunch of gruesome bloody gory deaths, like burning a person alive, cutting them to piece while they're awake, impaling someones loved ones while they watch. You want to do horror stories take the time to watch a couple saw movies, alien or predator movies. Those are horror and thriller, and will show you how horror types of stories would need the brutal torture and slow deaths to work. Honestly this is more of a fantasy or action, and not even close to a light thriller.
Another thing to get a great feel for the genre would be ready some of the heavier Stephen King novels, like IT for example. IT the killer clown, the book is better than the movie. Then again movies are never as good as the books they're based off of.
I haven't got to anything I cold turn into horror, I am following the original story line of the book, however when we get to the tea party that'll be different, and the caterpillar is the size of Alice, maybe bigger but I get what you are saying.
Actually I was being an ass, I just made a couple sarcastic comments poking fun of the idea prior to giving the actual review. But of all the insects that could do creepy shit, a caterpillar is definitely one. It can crawl inside a woman, or in anyone's mouth among other places as well. If you're restrained or unconcious you wouldn't be able to do anything around it either. Creepy little bugs.
No, no it's good, maybe I'll do something like that, a rapist caterpillar, but I went to the other chapters and added a bit more gruesome stuff but the tea party garden is gonna be where it gets good.
Good to know.