Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The sun was rising over the trees and peered into the window of Alice’s bedroom. Her eyes opened slowly. She was still asleep but her body didn’t know that. She in her tired daze rose from the bed. She walked out of her bedroom and into the hallway. Her house was silent as it usually is in the morning.
She walked downstairs into the dining room, it was larger than her family needed since her brother had gone missing. They looked for him for an entire year, after that her parents lost hope.
Alice made her way to the kitchen where her maid was making breakfast for the morning. There were three plates with what some would call a typical breakfast.
“Hello Dearie,” The Maid said.
“Hello Florence, how are you,” Alice asked?
“Oh, I am very well this morning,” Florence said, “And you.”
“I am well as well,” Alice said.
“And how are your parents this morning, dearie,” Florence asked.
“As they usually are,” Alice replied.
“Alice,” Her mother yelled from the dining room, “Do not talk to the help.”
Alice’s mother turned around the corner with a scowl on her face.
“Unless you wish to become one,” Her mother continued, “Florence, is our food ready.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” Florence replied.
Florence took two of the plates to the table and came back for the last plate. Alice and her mother went into the dining room and sat down waiting for Alice’s father. He came down the stairs, his feet falling very heavily. He sat down at the opposite side of the table of her mother.
Alice’s mother began eating her food before they had said grace, for she stopped believing in a god a long time ago. Alice finished her food and walked back to her room, her feet quieter compared to her fathers
She had a small room with a bed and a bookshelf filled with books. She grabbed Sylvie and Bruno, one of her favorite reads. She always liked how it was a blend between normal England and fairyland, a magical place where anything could happen. She couldn't wait to get the second book, but she would need to save her money. Alice closed the door to her bedroom, her parents usually started yelling soon, and she didn't want to be disturbed.
Alice picked up her book again when she heard a voice coming from outside. She went to her window and looked down to the garden. There was man, with very rabbit like ears. He had a watch in his hand and he was frantically staring at it and running. Alice opened her window to see if she could hear him say anything.
“I’m late, I’m late,” It exclaimed in a voice that sounded like metal scraping on metal.
It ran into a group of trees and its exclamations died out.
“Oh, dear, what was that and what is it late for,” Alice said as she changed into her actual clothes and pulled her shoes on, “Maybe I can help him.”
Alice went down the stairs and through the dining room.
“Alice where are you going,” Her mother yelled.
“I left something in the garden,” Alice replied, “I’ll be right back.”
Alice left the house and went to the group of trees the man thing had gone into. The trees were surprisingly close together, there was almost no room to move. She pushed her way through the tightly woven grove until she came to a clearing. The rabbit man was right in front of her, his back turned to where Alice was standing.
“Oh I am late, I am late, which door is it,” The thing said.
Alice watched the thing very closely. It went over to a tree with a hole in the roots at the bottom and it knocked on the tree three times. The ground opened up under it and it was swallowed into the darkness of the hole. The ground closed up and everything returned to how it was. Alice herself walked over to the tree. She inspected it closely making sure it didn’t eat her as well. She knocked on the tree three times and it did nothing.
“Strange,” she said.
She was about to walk home when the ground opened up beneath and swallowed her whole. She plummeted through the darkness seeing visions of skeletons dancing and demons chanting. There was a person stabbing into himself. Blood covered her as she continued to fall. She saw bats and monsters finding their prey. Her screams were unending as the darkness and the visions continued. Then she was on a floor.
She picked herself up and looked around. The walls were black, and the floor was a deep red, like blood. She walked down the hallway and came to a room. It was rather tall, but everything else was normal. She went into the room and walked to the table in the middle of the room. There was a cake and a bottle on the table, that said eat me and drink me respectively. Of course she had no desire to drink and eat the strange contents from a strange table, besides the cake was nibbled on and the drink was almost empty.
The sound of a door slamming rang behind her. The door she came from was now closed, and it clicked locked. She looked around for another escape and she saw a door, which was much smaller than she was. She looked back at the table and there was a label on the drink. She looked at the label closely and it read. Drink me and I will make you like a mouse.
She unscrewed the top of the bottle and took a drink from it and set it back on the table. She began to feel drunken as she grew smaller and smaller until she was the size of a mouse. The feeling of drunkenness went away and she looked towards the door. She was now the right size to fit into the door.
“Someone has disturbed my slumber, is it you little girl,” A voice called.
“Who said that,” Alice replied.
“It was I, the doorknob you fool, now what is your reason for disturbing my slumber,” It said again
“I did not mean to wake you I was only trying to get through your door,” Alice told him.
The doorknob smiled, with it's cruel, blood stained, pointy teeth.
“Where’s the key,” It asked.
“What key,” Alice replied.
“The key to open my door, how are you supposed to get through without a key,” He told her, “Come closer and I will tell you where you’ll find it.”
Alice inched towards the door until she was right in front of him. It was smiling again. It's teeth seemed to grow bigger.
“The key,” Began the doorknob, “Is you.”
The doorknob lurched forward and swallowed Alice whole she tumbled through the door, growing larger and larger and then she was in another room, very similar to the one before only the door was completely open this time, but she was too big to go through it once again, in fact she was as tall as the ceiling. The feeling of being watched fell over her. Something was in this room watching her, waiting for her.
End of chapter
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140,691 Literary Works • 673,612 Reviews
I've always loved Alice in Wonderland due to it's use of imagination. I feel that this story could have a lot of imagination, even if it is dark. The plot of the story is great, and for the most part followed the original Alice in Wonderland, but I like the little differences that you made for this story. The rabbit was originally there, but her being eaten by the doorknob and going into another room wasn't. I know that you will obviously have to change certain things because she is in Horrorland, not Wonderland, but nonetheless I immensely enjoyed reading this; possibly as much as I enjoyed reading Alice in Wonderland. There were a few grammatical errors, but that's to be expected. I love the way you explain things, and because Alice in Wonderland is such a known and beloved story it is very easy to imagine the twilight zone version, especially with your descriptions. With Alice I'm picturing little cartoon Alice with black hair and clothes, and with the "rabbit man" I'm picturing the human form of Peter Pettigrew from Harry Potter (don't ask me why.) The plot is very basic and easy to keep up with. I am wondering what era this is in. From the sounds of it Alice in Horrorland is set in the same time as Alice in Wonderland, but I can't know for sure. Otherwise everything was very comprehensible, and I cannot wait to read what else you have to write about this; I am excited to see where you will take this.
A skinny Peter Pettigrew would work nicely for the description of the rabbit man
Hello! I love Alice in Wonderland so I bet I'll love this story too! First I'll look at nitpicks, then I'll tell you what I liked.
She was still was asleep but her body didn’t know that.
You put was in twice.
She in her tired daze rose form the bed.
From
“And how are you’re parents this morning, dearie,” Florence asked.
Your
The ground opened up under it and it was swallowed into the darkness of the hole
This was clever change to the original story! The whole thing was clever actually, I loved your 'horror' twist. The doorknob was especially clever.
I'm sorry this review is so short, but it's pretty good how it is!
Hey.
I think you need to check your first paragraph, there are a few typos. Secondly, your dialogues do not have question marks wherever required. Just a few things I thought that needed a quick edit.
I loved the story, the title, the way you've related it. Hats off to the imagery. The concept is so simple, yet no one would've thought of it ever before.
I liked how, with simplicity, you described the scenes effectively. Something I really really loved.
I look forward to the other chapters.
Keep smiling and stay blessed.
xoxo
Greetings, krow02! It's your favourite neighbourhood wizard here for a review.
You might ask me, why did I pick your piece out of the dozens in the green room? Well, the answer is binary and relatively simple: One, it was at the top of the list; and Two, I am planning a Alice in Wonderland Storybook (if you don't know what that is, check the Storybook tab), thus a Alice in Horrorland was bound to catch my attention.
Very well, now that that's out of the way, onward to the review (let's try and keep this short, shall we?)
We'll have to pause at the first paragraph already. According to me, that paragraph is way long. I mean, nine sentences?! You could have easily either split it or merged some of the sentences. An example of where you could have split it was when you first mention her brother, seeing as it doesn't really fit with her getting out of bed and whatnot; and then again when Alice enters the kitchen. That way, you individualize your different ideas, and it makes it easier to read.
It also feels somewhat repetitive and redundant to me. In my first reading, I skipped over nearly half of what you said, because no reader wants to start a book by reading how the main character wakes up. Unless it holds significance, or is used to describe the surroundings, I would advise you to redo that part. (Note, this is me trying to keep it short...)
Let us pause now by the dialogue between Alice and Florence. One, it isn't plot progressive or developing, I mean, it's Smalltalk (big no no). Secondly, if you want to keep it, please use proper punctuation, like commas, question marks and full stops.
Now we're getting somewhere! In this one line a person immediately knows what type of person Alice's mother is. Just note, where is the mother yelling from? And seeing as she is yelling, please don't forget the exclamation marks.
You omitted the room after dining.
Please add a break between these two sentences, and change the second "Alice's mother" to just she, as the reader can assume you are talking about the mother now.
This sentence should form a new paragraph please. Also, from "she walked up..." you should start the next sentence. You can also use better word structure here. For example:
See, it comes more naturally.
Okay, you know what. Instead of me going about every new idea and telling you to place it in a new paragraph, I'm just going to tell it would read much easier, and that you should please revise that and your comma-usage.
You could have stated this sentence like this:
The should be long and not large, otherwise he looks like an elephant.
She "came into" the clearing.
I am not going to name every piece of advice I mentioned above, so please apply it where applicable in your chapter.
Doorknob should be one word and please remove the comma. Also, even though you specified the doorknob's gender, you still have to say "its" instead of "his".
I am only mentioning this now as before I was talking about other mistakes (evident here as well), when finishing the spoken section, or adding the speaker in between clauses (like above example), you never capitalize the first word (in this case "began") unless it is a name (like Alice)
Overall, this piece requires a lot of work, attention and TLC, yet I can still see where the story is leading. I think the idea is good, but the quality still needs to catch up. I therefore rate this piece 5 out of ten. (Note that the rating is not to break you down or demoralize you, but rather to make you strive to be better and set a standard for you to improve on)
Hopes to see great things of you,
The Wandering Wizard
Thank you for being very critical. I like it much more when people tell me what i am doing wrong instead of telling me I'm doing good when I"m actually not. I tried to fix all of the problems that you saw in my work and I put the breaks where you said they would be good and also in other places. Thank you again for your criticism.
I'm glad I could help! By the way, I like your avatar. Did you do it yourself?
No but it's a design that I found and I like, the only artistic ability I have is in writing
Okay honestly, once again, I know I am a horrible person, reviewing a 16+ work and only being 14 and all, but its okay. Honestly a lot of the stuff doesn't bother and especially this, I was to busy being in awe of a good work instead of paying attention to the gore, or grammar for that matter, so I'm not going to do grammar. There are so many people who are good, actually better at this than I am, so we'll let other people take care of that. Me? I'm going to review the feels! :3
"She was about to walk home when the ground opened up beneath and swallowed her whole. She plummeted through the darkness seeing visions of skeletons dancing and demons chanting. Her screams were unending as the darkness continued. Then she was on a floor. She picked herself up and looked around. The walls were black, and the floor was a deep red, like blood. She walked down the hallway and came to a room. It was rather tall, but everything else was normal. She went into the room and walked to the table in the middle of the room. There was a cake and a bottle on the table, that said eat me and drink me respectively. Of course she had no desire to drink and eat the strange contents from a strange table, besides the cake was nibbled on and the drink was almost empty. The sound of a door slamming rang behind her. The door she came from was now closed, and it clicked locked. She looked around for another escape and she saw a door, which was much smaller than she was. She went to the table and grabbed the drink. She looked at the label closely and it read. Drink me and I will make you like a mouse. She unscrewed the top of the bottle and took a drink from it and set it back on the table. She began to feel drunken as she grew smaller and smaller until she was the size of a mouse. The feeling of drunkenness went away and she looked towards the door. She was now the right size to fit into the door." - This is really good, i really like it for three main reasons. Mainly, one, it is good because it is very close to the classic thing, two, because you put your own twist on it, and three, it has some good feels.
Honestly that is about it, since I'm gonna go kick some more people's stuff out of the green room, the only thing is that this chapter didn't have much, quote, un-quote horror in it, maybe that comes in later chapters. Congrats on a great work.
Thank you very much and yes i plan on adding more horror later, just wait for the mad hatter, i have a lot planned and it'll be much more horrific later. Thanks again for reading and commenting.