The sky glistened red in the twilight as the sun began to set in the horizon. Genji and Gabrielle remained in the school’s baseball field as they hung at the field’s concession stand. The two stood in front of the vending machine. Gabrielle placed two-quarters in. Then hit a button at the bottom. The machine rumbled loudly, and two loud thumps echoed out from the opening. She bent down and reached in. Genji’s eyes wandered down. His face turned red as he noticed the black lacy whale tail that clung to her curvy waist exposed.
“You mind looking away? I can feel your gaze burning into my backside,” Gabrielle grimaced. She didn’t even have to turn her attention away to notice him staring at her.
Genji averted his eyes away, turning his gaze to the translucent moon that hung in the sky. “Oh. Sorry. I-I didn’t mean to see it.”
Little did the boy know, Gabrielle grinned while she giggled. She actually took delight in the boy’s timidity. She stood back up and walked over to the nerdy boy, playfully tossing the can while being amuse by how clumsily he tried to catch it.
“Here you go. Hope you like Dr. Pepper.”
Genji stumbled while trying to catch it before it hit the ground. She laughed in amusement at the sight of it.
“What’s this for?”
“Nothing much, really. Think of it as a victory drink for your improvement in your vitality.”
Genji arched a brow. The emo girl’s statement confused him even more so. Her black smoky eyes adjusting to his blank face while she adjusted her skull jacket.
Tilting his head to the side, Genji asked, “What do you mean by my ‘vitality’?”
“Obviously, I meant, how your skills in magic are progressing than they were before. Compared to how you were before, you were almost like a baby stumbling every time it tried to walk. Now, you’re standing right up and ready to take on the world.” Taking a deep swig, Gabrielle paused as she swished the drink in her mouth before swallowing. She released a loud sigh while she giggled. “By Gaia, that’s what I needed after such an intense workout!”
A large droplet of sweat formed on Genji’s forehead. He never seen someone get so excited from drinking a Dr. Pepper. It was almost like she was drunk on the stuff. Coughing lightly in his hand, he smiled weakly as he rubbed his arm. His other hand becoming cold from holding his can for too long.
“So, what the hell did you do? Everything was normal and then it started becoming…chaotic and absurd.” Pulling up the tab, Genji took a sip of his drink. Such an ordeal had been perturbing him after the fight and wanted to know what sort of power his friend possessed.
He arched a brow. Genji looked at Gabrielle who scratched the back of her head before she responded. “Let’s just say that was chaos magic and everything that affected the environment around us was a result of it.”
“Chaos magic?”
“It’s hard to put it in detail. So, to put it in layman’s term, it’s sort of a branch of black magic and is affiliated with the element of darkness. That’s all I’m going to have to say.”
“So, who taught you, anyway?” that was the question that changed Gabrielle’s whole demeanor. Her face frowned as she averted her eyes from Genji and stared at her drink.
“My father taught me. Why I got the spells from that website, it was him who taught me how to properly use magic. It was during the summer, three years ago, when my father took me out of the country and showed me the ropes and like me he also had a knack for chaos magic. However, the only difference was that, compared to me, his was much more…surreal and was powerful enough to shake the stars in the heavens.” Her finger was pressed on top of the can while she sighed. She gingerly trailed across the rims with her eyes drifting into the distance.
Genji’s brows rose and he decided to not ask any follow-up questions. For the next twelve minutes, there was nothing but silence and when they were done relaxing, they threw the empty cans in the trash and walked away from the stand.
“So, you want to train again, or do you want to just call it a night?” Gabrielle grinned.
Genji thought for a moment. He wanted to keep going and see what else he was capable of. However, he decided to put a pin in that thought when he saw how dark the sky was getting.
He turned back to Gabrielle and waved is hand dismissively. He stated, “I think we should call it a night. I’d love to keep this going but I need to get back home. If I’m late, then my Uncle John’s gonna blow a fuse just like last time when I snuck out.”
Shrugging her shoulders, the punk girl smirked and complied. “I understand.” The two of them proceeded out of the field and walked away from the campus grounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Genji and Gabrielle had walked for 30 minutes and were almost at their destination. However, they stopped and decided to rest on a bus bench. Genji was already out of breath with his arms dangling on his sides.
“God. I feel like I just ran a 5K marathon for hours,” Genji gasped.
Sitting beside him, the emo girl placed her hands on the back of her head. She chuckled with a half-hearted grin.
“Well, it seems your newfound abilities have really tuckered you out. Don’t worry, once your body gets use to it, you’ll be able to do so much more than you did before.”
Genji frowned. After hearing that, he started getting stuff off of his chest. “I mean, I realized that using my powers was the source of my fatigue but what about my physique. I jog every morning and work out every night but with little to no progress.”
Gabrielle arched a brow. Then she shrugged and responded in a casual manner. “Well, of course your physique is having a difficult time progressing. Whenever you use your powers, it’s going to cause some muscular atrophy as a result but, like I said, the more you hone your powers, the less it will be the case.”
“Is that what happened to you when you got better?”
“…You could say that.” Gabrielle averted her eyes while her cheeks blushed. Her cleavage pushed up as she crossed her arms.
The two of them stared at the street in front of them. It was very quiet with practically any car in sight with barely any passerby walking in sight. Genji and Gabrielle didn’t say a word but after a minute, the latter was the first to speak.
“We should form a club.”
“What?”
“You know, it’s a shame we don’t have some kind of club we can both hang out and have a better schedule for training. Also, if we did have one, it would boost our chances of likely meeting other magicians.”
“If we did have a club for magic-users, wouldn’t that also stick us all out like a sore thumb.”
Gabrielle’s smile fell as her black lips pouted. “Yeah, that’s true. Then again, we could just make it a club for people who are enthusiastic about magic and the occult. That way, we could hide our practices under such a façade.”
“I doubt any teacher would become an administer to such a club. There probably might be certain regulations that would prevent us from doing so.” Genji deadpanned as he slouched back against his seat. “And what about Claire? The way she’s fundamentally religious and conservative, I don’t think she would approve of what we’re proposing.”
“Oh, don’t be so cynical. If we play our cards right, we might be able to actually pull it off. You never know. There might be a teacher who’s into the occult and might be in favor of forming such a club.”
“Well, we’ll just have to wait tomorrow to see.” Genji got up off the bench and stretched his arms and legs. Reaching his hand out, he helped his friend up and the two continued moving forward.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two reached Genji’s home and Genji headed up the step as he waved back to Gabrielle. After she watched him walked through the door, she proceeded up the street with her hands in her pockets. She didn’t live far from the Albury residence as it was only a block away and after she climbed up to the front door, she took out her house keys from the right pocket and slid it into the lock.
Good thing I didn’t forget about my keys.Gabrielle mused. She sauntered in before closing the front door behind her. She examined her surroundings. Everything was quiet without any sign of life, except for the small dragon trees and Norfolk Island Pines in ceramic pots that were placed in every corner of the living room. I guess, mom isn’t home yet. I really hate coming home at this time of the hour.She let out a deep sigh. Hanging her jacket and backpack beside the doorway, she flung to the couch and laid down leisurely. When she turned to the side, her laidback demeanor disappeared with her smile, glowering and staring at the picture frames of a little girl with her mother. However, in every frame, there was no sign of her father. However, that didn’t matter to her. she turned to her back and turned her gaze to the ceiling. her eyes grew heavy. Once they were closed, everything around her became dark as she drifted off into slumber.
Suddenly, her eyes shot open. A rattling sound that came from the front door awoke her. when she stood up, Gabrielle rubbed her eyes as she groaned. Sprinting up off the couch, she headed over to the door and saw an older woman in a dress suit straggled into the house.
Placing her purse on the coatrack, the woman looked up and her eyes rose in surprise. “Oh, Gabrielle. I didn’t think you would be home at this time. Aren’t you supposed to be hanging out with your friends?” Gabrielle turned to the clock and saw that an hour had passed while she was asleep.
“Nah, mom. I had to stay after school to do an afterschool project. Then I headed home afterwards.” Gabrielle was alright lying to her mother, despite feeling a knot in her stomach from a time or two. She didn’t want to tell her the truth out of fear of her mother becoming concerned.
Gabrielle’s mother merely gave her a deadpanned glare. She said in disbelief, “Is that really the truth or were you staying after school because you got in trouble with the principal again? Or, maybe, you were showing off your skillswhile playing around at the school’s courtyard?”
“No. I really was staying after school for a project. I swear.”
Her mother smiled as she believed her. She closed the door and advanced to the living room where she plopped on to her daughter’s spot on the couch. A loud sigh was let out as she slouched. Gabrielle didn’t sit beside her and stood beside the couch, instead.
“Have you eaten, mom? Want me to make you anything?”
She shook her head and refused. “That’s alright, mija. It’s already late and I don’t want to trouble you.”
“Worked another shift in the office? You know, I could take up a part-time job and helped more around the house. You don’t have to keep dragging yourself like this.”
Pursing her lips, Gabrielle’s mother rubbed her temples as she groaned. “We’ve discussed this. I don’t want you to get a job until after you graduate high school and get into a good college.”
Gabrielle’s eyes narrowed. She wanted to rebuttal but just brushed it off and didn’t want to argue with her mother, especially with how much she had worked. She and her mother had been going back and forth but every time she would offer to help her mother, they would get into a fight until Gabrielle gives up and would run to her room while she left her mother alone for the both of them to cool down.
“You’re right, mom. It just pains me to see you working so hard and I was just thinking of your health.” Gabrielle hyped. A light touch was felt on her arm. She turned and saw her mother’s hand patting her while she gave a warming smile.
“That’s sweet of you but you don’t have to worry. We Rodriguez women are very resilient. We can handle anything that throughs at us, even the obstacles that are given before us,” she stated proudly. Gabrielle couldn’t help but playfully roll her eyes. it wasn’t that she didn’t believe her mother’s statement, she was more aware that she was just stubborn and didn’t want to admit when she’s overworking herself, that’s all.
“I wouldn’t mind if my father would provide from time to time,” Gabrielle remarked. she let out a huff while crossing her arms.
Her mother pinched the bridge of her nose as she grimaced. “True. Unfortunately, with a job like his, your father is a very busy man with a lot of responsibility on his hands. So, asking him for money would be too much trouble.” She then pointed a finger at her daughter. She gave a stern demeanor while her eyebrows furrowed. “If you’re thinking about calling him, then just forget about it. We don’t want him to go through all that over a small problem.”
Gabrielle was taken aback by her mother’s glare. She shrugged and decided to turn in for the night early, telling her mother good night while she headed up the stairs to her room. Closing her bedroom door behind her, she took a deep breath and exhaled out her frustrations while her back was against the door. Leaping back up, she started undressing herself. She undid her jeans and threw them onto the ground. then she pulled up her tank top. Her breasts exposed to the elements as she unhooked her black bra.
She was down to only her panties. Gabrielle walked over to her dresser and pulled out a black T-shirt with a purple cat logo and a pair of purple sweat shorts. Once she got dressed, she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She was ready to hit the hay. Getting under the covers, she was nestled up and laid on her back. Unfortunately, she was unable to fall asleep. All she did was stare up at the ceiling for a couple of seconds. Her mind filled with dread as the thoughts of her mother kept her awake.
“Ah. Screw this,” she muttered.
Pulling the covers off, she motioned to the closet and dug into the contents before pulling out a small hand mirror. It appeared rather expensive with a silver handle and dragon figures etched on the surface. Her reflection vibrated in the mirror.
She moved her thump up to her mouth and bit down. blood trickling down her hands. I know I promised Mom, but desperate times call for desperate measures. she placed her thumb against the surface, trailing the blood across the glass in the form of a star with three dots on each point and a rod protruding on the sides. Once the sigil was complete, the glass shattered before Gabrielle’s eyes, watching the shards get sucked into the darkness that lied within the mirror. Shining from the inside, a scarlet glow emulated from the mirror and encompassed the entire room until it died down a little in a few seconds. Suddenly, appearance from the surface was a dark visage of a man with horns protruding from the side of his head that pointed forward.
“Who dares contact the great Astaroth!”
“Hello, father. It’s good to see you again,” Gabrielle greeted solemnly. Her eyes becoming half open while her lips pursed.
“Gabrielle? Why have you called me this time of the hour? Isn’t it supposed to be a school night?”
Nodding her head, Gabrielle answered, “It is, but this is really important. I need a favor of you.”
Astaroth was silent for a moment. Then he complied, “Alright, what is it that you need?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was already the end of third period. Genji was walking down the hall as fatigue began to set in. God. I thought yesterday’s fourth period class was brutal. Taking a deep breath, he staggered to the cafeteria. It was already lunchtime, but he was already wanting the day to be over and go home. However, he stopped and turned as he stood twelve feet from Room 109. He watched as kids sauntered into the classroom, chatting with one another while they held their bibles tightly. King James Version to be precise. That must be where the Bible Club meets. I guess they have different lunch schedules if they’re coming in at this hour. He took a step forward and was about proceed down the hall. He had to get away quickly. It was only a matter of time before he ran into…
“Genji! I’m so happy to run into you!” It was too late. Genji twirled around and found Claire standing behind him. walking up to the young man, she hugged him before stepping back and held her bible against her chest. “Have you decided to take up my offer of joining the Bible Club. If so, then we have a fun and wonderful initiation for newcomers.”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Genji grimaced as his eyes narrowed. He waved his hand and corrected Claire. “Yeah, actually, I was heading to the cafeteria. I just stopped and looked out of curiosity, that’s all.”
Claire’s smile faded into a frown. Brushing a strand of hair away from her face, she was embarrassed for jumping to conclusion and lowered her eyes in a timid demeanor. The keyhole of her sweater showing off much of her cleavage.
“Oh, sorry. Well, I hope you have a pleasant lunch and if you ever want to join, there is still a place for you inside.”
Genji was taken aback. His cheeks turned slightly red at the sight of Claire as she lowered her head and avoided eye-contact.
Scratching the back of his head, he remarked, “Y-yeah. T-thanks. I’ll be sure to think about it.”
Then he turned around and walked away. Well, that was surprising. Despite being annoying, Claire is really cute, and her timid response (and her sweater) was icing on the cake. I wonder if Gabe has such a side?Genji was completely lost in his thoughts. So, lost that he wasn’t paying attention when collided in front of something hard. Several loud thuds were heard in the vicinity, along with the sound of paper fluttering in the wind.
“Hey! Watch it!” Genji barked. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with anything else going awry.
“I’m t-terribly sorry! I wasn’t paying attention!”
Standing in front of him was Ms. Eiling who started fidgeting as her face twisted. She bent down and proceeded to pick up the books that were on the floor. Taking a deep breath, Genji crouched down and lent his assistance. It was the least he could do since he was responsible for causing such a hindrance.
He looked at the cover of one of the books in his hands and his eyes immediately furrowed in bewilderment. Cryptic Encyclopedia, Myths of the World, the Lesser Key of Solomon: The English Translated Edition, the Necronomicon…He turned his attention back to the woman who was waiting for the rest of her books to be returned. “So…you’re into the occult, Ms. Eiling?”
“Yes. I absolutely love the macabre and the supernatural,” replied the teacher with a nervous grin. After Genji handed her the books, he followed the teacher down the hall. “Being an English teacher, I developed a fascination for the occult as I explore whatever book is available. Unfortunately, since these books are not found in the library, I usually buy them off-campus and bring them to school to read in my spare time.”
“Haven’t you ever thought of starting a club? You know, find students and people who have the same interests?”
Shaking her head, Eiling frowned. She stated calmly, “No. I had always had the thought but was afraid to take the risk out of fear of ridicule and slander from either my peers or from my students, especially with the Bible Club and Claire Leblanc monitoring the activities of every club in the Student Council.”
Genji stopped and drew Eiling’s attention. An idea began to formulate in his head. “Ms. Eiling. I have a proposition that you would love to hear.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The school day had ended. All of the students were storming out of the building and heading straight home while those that remain stayed for afterschool activities. Walking down the hallway, Mariah found her way to Room 221 where she pulled out a ring of keys from her dress pocket. a sly grin formed on the corners of her mouth. I can’t believe it was so easy to steal the custodian’s keys. Then again, that perv did enjoy the show I put for him. she shivered from playing the gesture in her head as she went through key-after-key to find the right one. Then the door flew opened and she waltzed into the dark room before closing it behind her. My scouts scanned every nook and cranny of this damned building, and it has led me straight to this room.
Pulling out a red gem, she closed her eyes and gripped it tightly as she concentrated with all her might. Her will coursing into her hand. A crimson light glowed from every facet, brightening every corner of the room in a single flash. In a matter of seconds, the light faded dimly until it completely extinguished, refilling the world with darkness around Mariah. Suddenly, a golden hue emanated underneath her feet. Mariah opened her eyes and gasped when she looked down.
“Yes! I finally found it! I finally found the lay line!” she whispered loudly. An ecstatic grin formed on the corners of her mouth as she clapped with joy. “From the looks of it, there must be enough mana for five, or six, magi! Oh, they are going to be so happy once I report what I’ve found!”
However, her happiness came to an end when she heard muttering from behind the door. Snapping her neck, her face contorted at the sight of the doorknob turning counterclockwise. Oh shit! This is not good! Who the hell would come into this room at this time of the afternoon?!She quickly dashed and headed to the storage closet at the end of the room but slowed down as clicking echoed throughout the room. Being in heels, it would be difficult to run without making a sound. Nevertheless, she made her way in and closed the door behind her but left a small opening as she peaked to see who was walking in. luckily, by the time she hid, the light emanating from the lay line died down and the floor ceased glowing.
The door flew open. The florescent lighting flickered before it brightened the whole room in a blinding light. The sound of flat footsteps entered the room while murmuring followed. Mariah winced as her eyes slowly adjusted but was able to make out who it was. Sauntering into the classroom, Genji and Gabrielle stood in the center of the room.
“Alright, Genji. You dragged me all the way from my hangout outside the library building to bring me to a vacant classroom. So, what is it you want to show me?” Crossing her arms, Gabrielle’s eyes narrowed and sat on the desk table behind her as she waited for her answer. “Also, if you want a better way to contact me, we could just exchange numbers, instead of running through campus to find me.”
Scratching the back of his head, Genji chuckled while his mouth curved into a weak smile. “To be honest, after the whole ‘magic teleporting letter’ trick, I was going to ask you about that, but then I forgot when we fought in the courtyard.”
Unbeknownst to the two, Mariah eavesdropped on them. a cross-shaped vein protruded on her forehead as she gritted her teeth. Damn it?1 what the hell are those two idiots doing?! Mariah continued listening in on them on their conversation to see what they were up to without being noticed.
He then straightened his posture and his expression became serious with his eyes narrowed. “Remember yesterday that you asked how it would be nice if we had a club for people like us?”
“Yeah? I have been thinking about that and you were right, we would stick out like a sore thumb.”
“Well, what if I told you that I managed to get us our own club and found a teacher willing to administrate it?”
“Then my respect for you would grow even more than now.”
Genji didn’t say anything after that. Stretching his arms outward, he smiled and spun around, which surprised the young woman with her mouth agape in astonishment.
“Seriously?! You actually started a club and managed to convince a teacher to administrate it?!”
Nodding his head, Genji beamed with pride. Gabrielle was still dumbfounded and couldn’t believe that a freshman was able to achieve such a task. Genji said happily, “Indeed. You know Ms. Eiling from English Lit. Class?”
“I did take her class last year but never talked to her outside of class. the way she appeared so introverted and unapproachable, I didn’t really take her as a social kind of gal,” she remarked. Gabrielle leaned back and placed a hand behind her to give her support.
“It turns out she’s a huge fan of the occult and mythology, which is how I convinced her to form this club with us,” Genji stated. He walked over to the markerboard, picked up a blue marker, and wrote on it. “So, what do you think of this as a name?”
“TheOccult Club? Doesn’t really seem that original but it suits it, but aren’t you afraid that the princess will impede on it once Ms. Eiling files in an application at the head office?”
“I am, and I am sure we are going to get a lot of backlash from the Bible Club but with the school’s zero tolerance policy, they’ll have some difficulty trying to shut us down. Also, with something called the occult club, people will just assume this is a club of weirdos into magic and stuff. So, it’s going to be smooth sailing for a while.” Genji was confident in his decision and any sense of skepticism was nonexistent at the moment.
Gabrielle was about to retort but backed down when she couldn’t find anything wrong with such a plan. Shrugging her shoulders, she smiled as she got up off of the desk and sauntered over to her friend. She wrapped an arm over his shoulder and dragged him close. “Alright, Genji. I’m in. We’re going to make this a sanctuary for all mages and warlocks hiding in this school and if we run into trouble, we’ll be able to fight back anyone who stands in our way.”
Genji’s arm accidentally touched the side of her breast. He prayed in hopes that she was alarmed by it as he spoke. “Okay, Gabe. You know you’re beginning to sound like a supervillain, right?”
“I know, and I like it.”
Mariah was able to hear all of it and started to feel disgruntled as she bit her teeth down hard. She had spent two years rising up the school hierarchy to gain easy access to the school’s after hours. She was not going to let two interlopers ruin all she had worked for and needed to come up with a way to get rid of them, somehow. She winced in pain and touched her mouth. She looked at her hand and was surprised at the sight of her own blood. I’m also going to have to get my teeth checked and probably fixed before I do anything to those two.Wiping the blood on her blouse, she resumed listening in as she mentally took notes.
Gabrielle’s face fell as she stared blankly at the ceiling. Then she pondered deeply. “The only problem is how are we going to recruit members without drawing too much attention. I mean, we can’t put up signs that says, ‘Occult Club Recruiting: Those with magical power or any forbidden knowledge of the occult is welcome to join’, or something like that.”
Genji got out of her grip and moved away. Putting his hand on his hip, he became aware of such a dilemma and joined in on Gabrielle’s contemplation. “Yeah, that would be a problem, especially when you count the other weirdos who aren’t magic-users that roam the school. However, you never know. Maybe, we’ll be lucky and find someone who is just like us who wants to join.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The remaining students were heading out the door. They laughed and conversed with such jubilation of being finally done with school for today. However, their chatter grew silent as they halted with fear and intimidation plastered on their twisted faces. Walking pass them was a young man about the same age as them. However, the one distinct feature was his body partially bound in bandages, except for the three fingers on his left hand, his right hazel eye, and a tufts of black hair protruding from his head. he was dressed all in black, wearing a light jacket with silver buttons, a pair of skinny jeans, and a pair of dark martins. The one aspect of his attire that contrast was a brown leather belt harness that caressed his upper torso.
Everyone around him tried to avert their gazes and waited for him to leave. Then the bandaged man stopped and turned around. His one good eye spotted a young woman with blonde hair and blue eyes. her eyes accidentally peering towards him while her redheaded friend tried to reprimand her. however, it was already too late. He walked up to them, towering over their small size as he glared down at them.
“What the hell are you looking at?” he sneered. His voice being scratchy and deep.
“I…I didn’t…I mean…”
The young woman tried to formulate a proper sentence in order to correct herself, but the sense of fear was overwhelming and only made her babble as she quivered. Beads of sweat fell from her and her friend’s. strangely, it wasn’t because of despair but because of the temperature increasing around them while the bandaged man’s eye glowed in an amber color. He shook his head and took a deep breath. The heat faded, and the temperature returned to normal. Sticking his hands into his pockets, he turned around and walked away.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.” Those were the only words he spoke and once he was gone, everyone at the entrance felt a sense of relief as if a powerful force had dissipated from the area. Crossing the street, the bandaged man became agitated. He pulled out his hand and clenched it in front of his face. Damnit! That was too close! If I had gotten angrier, then the fire would consume me and everyone around me! No! never again! I will not lose control anymore!
End of chapter
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Hiya! So I haven't read the other chapters, but that also means I'm coming with a fresh perspective, and can focus just on how you development your characters and story in this chapter.
I do have a few nitpicks, so I'll get those out of the way first.
"Little did the boy knew," even though your story is past tense, this is a common saying, so it should be know.
“The emo girl’s statement confused him even more so.” Capital T, also, this feels a little tell-y rather than show-y. The same with the statement about him being a nerd. Perhaps you described what they looked like in the last scene but some specific details here might be nice. Talk about her emo look and how she uses it on him, and talk about how his nerdy look works on her.
“Obviously, I mean, how your skills in magic are progressing than they were before.” Skills are the subject on this sentence, so the rest of needs to be plural.
“He arched a brow and looked at Gabrielle who scratched the back of her head before she responded.” There’s too much going on in this sentence and it gets confusing, it should be two sentences.
“She stated straightforwardly,” You want to be careful when you use replacements for the word said. The word said is usually not that important in a sentence, so our mind automatically reads over it and lets us skip to the important part, the dialogue. Generally speaking you only want to draw attention to the tag if there’s something important in the way they said it, (retorted, whispered, sneered, taunted, etc…-and even then, use these sparingly) Since stated is such a bland word, your story would probably flow better if you just used said.
“Genji’s brows rose and he decided to not ask any follow-up questions.” Without the he it makes it sound like his brows made a decision, not himself.
“Genji thought for a moment. He wanted to keep going and see what else he was capable of. However, looking up in the sky, he saw the sun already descending from the sky as the twilight’s crimson glow emanated in the horizon.” Redundant.
“Gabrielle arched a brow.”
“I need a favor to ask of you.” This is weirdly worded. Could just “I need a favor of you,” or “I need to ask you a favor.”
Also, I second what the other reviewe said. The undressing is unnecessary and slows the story. There are a few mundane details in this chapter that I think should be taken out. If something isn’t necessary to our understanding, or doesn’t give us new or interesting insights into the world or characters then it can be taken out.
“Her the keyhole of her sweater showing off her cleavage.” Something’s wrong here.
“Ms. Eiling. I have a proposition that you would love to hear?” What your use of question marks. This isn’t really a question, and there are a several times when they are needed and you don’t have them.
I feel like there are a lot of chapters crammed into one here. A chapter should have a beginning, middle, end. Usually I have a problem introduced in one chapter, then a solution(or compounded problem in the next) then another problem, and so on. It seems like one chapter would end with them wanting to start the club but not having a a teacher(and then her asking her favor of her father) And then the next chapter would pick up with Genji and Mariah at school. Things feel rushed and it’s all kind of jumbling together when you have so much going on in one chapter.
Overall you had some great character development happening, especially through your dialogue. I was intrigued seeing how Genji and Gabrielle interacted with each other. They were also interesting people that I wanted to get to know better.
You have a lot of interesting things going on in this story, and I like the pacing of it and the way you introduce your characters. Hope this helped and let me know if you have any other questions!
-Art
Thank you for the help and I suggest you read the previous chapters to get a better understanding of what's going on.
Hey, kman! Happy Review Day! Because of the length, I'll be reviewing this as I go along. Let's get started!
The latter sentence is a dependent clause, so it would be best to just connect it to the previous sentence (an independent clause) with a comma instead of separating them with a period.
I'd replace the period with a question mark, given she phrased it as a request more than a statement.
Here's a question: Is this being written in third person limited or in third person omniscient? The difference between the two being that third person limited is generally restricted to the inner thoughts and feelings of one character at a time, while third person omniscient is told through a narrator who knows the thoughts and feelings of all the characters at once. I say this because sometimes this story dips into the perspective and thoughts of other characters besides Genji, but I had assumed that this was written in third person limited from Genji's perspective. because of this, it's a bit confusing and seems a bit choppy when the readers get insight into another character's head. Especially since, if I recall correctly, the readers spent the first few chapters solely within Genji's head.
Given that this paragraph is within Gabrielle's perspective, it feels a bit odd to say "the father" instead of "her father". It's this jarring disconnect between relaxing into her viewpoint and then being flung back to an outsider's assessment of the situation.
Saying "you-know-what" instead of being explicit sounds like her magic is somehow dirty? But I don't really know your intentions in writing that or how it was supposed to come across.
Given that Gabrielle said this, wouldn't it be "my father" instead of "your father"?
You could probably just say "shrugging". Shrugs are generally associated with the shoulders, so it's a bit redundant to specify that she's shrugging her shoulders.
I've noticed that there are problems with capitalization here and there -- some names not being capitalized (Mom is a name that would be capitalized) and some starts of sentences being left lowercase. That could all be fixed by a quick proofread.
There's also the topic of realism in regards to your female character. Generally, women don't wear strapless bras day after day. I can count the number of times on my hand that I've willingly worn a strapless bra. In my experience, women just tend to wear tank tops with regular bras; it's just infinitely more comfortable. In addition to that, women don't necessarily pay that much attention to their breasts? So Gabrielle noting that her own breasts are "well-formed" just says that author might not be that well researched in how to write from a woman's perspective.
Although, I'm of the opinion that unless it's relevant to her character, then it's probably good to just cut out stuff about Gabrielle dressing and undressing. It's just fluffing up the word count as opposed to giving real insight into who she is as a person. The reader doesn't need to know that she stripped down to her underwear and then changed into PJs. It's not necessary information.
I will admit, I can't remember if Mr. Bonson was established in the first two chapters, but it feels a bit too convenient for him to appear out of nowhere when the characters need someone like him? It breaks my suspension of disbelief.
There are two words that I would recommend trying to cut down on in the future: then and proceeded. I feel that if you worked around those words, then you would probably find your writing stronger as a result. "Then" is mostly filler and isn't necessary about 3/4ths of the time. "Proceeded" could be replaced by other stronger words.
Alright, that's all I have to say for right now! If you have any questions about anything I mentioned, then don't hesitate to contact me!
-E
Thanks for the review. Chapter 4 and 5 are suppose to be third-person omniscient while the first three are meant to be in first person and focusing on Genji's perspective. This technique was inspired by Haruki Murakami's form of writing and it's my attempt at trying to replicate it while adding my own.
Looking back at it, describing Gabrielle's home and dressing was meant to be relevant to her character but after you pointed all of this, I'm going need to do some rewriting.
Also, I like to apologize for using the same word 3/4ths of the time. it's a habit I have whenever I have writer's block.
A/N: Hey, everyone. This is Kman134. Unlike the other chapters, this one is longer as I wanted to fill in some important parts of the story as much as possible such as Genji and Gabrielle's growing friendship (and possible relationship), who Gabrielle really is and how she got her powers, Claire's unusual fascination with Genji, Mariah's objectivity and skullduggery in the school and what she is looking for, and the creation of the Occult Club and Genji and Gabrielle's need to find other like them in the school, or in the city. Also, if any of you do not like fan service, then I must warn you there is some fan service in the chapter.