The mid-morning sun shined onto my face while I jogged up the streets. My track shorts were starting to ride up against me and my legs felt like they were about to give out since I had been running for about an hour from one street to another. I watched cars passing by as they headed for work. Once I reached the end of the street, I stopped to catch my breath, bending over with my hands on my knees while I felt the cold air stinging my lungs. Taking a deep breath, I rested for about 3 minutes as I leaned against a street sign. I looked at my watch and saw that it was a quarter past seven, which meant I only had an hour and thirty minutes to get home and get ready.
I didn’t have enough time to make it. So, making sure that I was alone, I clasped my hands together and concentrated.
“Nunc relinquo et revertuter in terran suam!”
In a matter of seconds, an aura of ethereal green energy consumed me and, in a flash, I was completely gone from River Street. When using magic, it’s best to not be seen, but also to make sure you have enough physical stamina to do it. Everything around me was green and illuminating like being inside a lava lamp. My entire body had dissipated into air and flew around like a small spirit bomb from DBZ. I arrived at my destination as I stood in front of the front door of a Victorian-style terraced house. I walked in and closed it behind me before taking off my shoes and leaving them beside the entranceway.
I smelled the fumes of bacon and eggs in the air, but I wasn’t concerned about it at the moment while I climbed up the staircase and headed to my room at the end of the second-floor hallway. I grabbed whatever clothes I needed—a red shirt and jeans—and headed to the bathroom where I showered and got dressed.
I looked into the mirror while I combed my black hair. Despite all my jogging and weight-lifting, I still had the same lanky body as I always do, which made me feel a little self-conscious.
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I walked down the stairs with an hour to spare. Entering the kitchen, my presence was greeted by wide eyes.
“So, Genji, how was your run?” asked my aunt Rebecca. She sat at the table, smirking at me while she texted on her phone. Like any cubicle worker, aunt Rebecca was all dressed in her black and gray pantsuit.
I grabbed the extra plate of breakfast on the counter and sat at the end of the table. I looked back at my aunt and grinned. “It was okay, but only made it to about 30 feet to the next street over. I usually run for about three streets, but I had less time than I did over the summer.”
“Typical Genji. Always bragging about his feats, even when he has nothing to show for it,” my cousin Rose mused.
Being about a year older than me, Rose was almost like an older sister. She had long blonde hair that stretched down to her shoulders, a pair of green eyes, and peach skin with pink lips. She wears a yellow and orange-striped top with a spaghetti strap, a pair of daisy dukes, and a pair of socks with a red line around the ankle. She even smelled like strawberries, which was probably from her shampoo.
Sitting on the other side from her mother, she smirked at me while balancing her head on the table with her elbow.
I huffed my nostrils while flashing a deadpanned glare directly at her. Having a cousin with a sassy attitude can sometimes be a pain in the ass.
“Well, at least I wasn’t laying in bed till seven while only getting up to eat a hearty breakfast.” I countered. My grin grew almost to my earlobes.
That struck a chord with Rose as she fumed, her face turning red while she stared daggers at me. I could have sworn that a cross-shaped vein appeared on her temple. Flashing a toothy grin, Rose stood up and slammed her elbow in the center.
“Oh really? Well, if you’re so fit and strong, then let’s put it to the test, shall we?” she proposed with a sullen grin.
I was taken aback with my whole-body shivering. Still, I didn’t back down and accepted the challenge, which was not the smartest move I could ever made. Placing my arm on the table, I grabbed my cousin’s hand and was about to push down. Unfortunately, Rose quickly acted and flipped me over and I landed on the ground. I groaned while I rubbed the back of my head. I could hear my aunt giggling at the sight of my defeat. For a very petite woman, her strength was almost superhuman.
“Rose. Don’t try to kill your cousin, and Genji quit egging Rose into almost destroying the house.” My uncle Josh put his newspaper down and glowered at his daughter as he adjusted the frames of his glasses before turning his attention to me.
“Boy, you and your cousin are going to high school and that means you two should stop acting like kids. Also, Rose, if you kill Genji, then my sister will probably haunt me from beyond the grave.” At the end of that sentence, my uncle began to laugh with a wide buffoonish grin while Rose and I just stared at him with perturbed eyes.
Once that debacle was sorted out, Rose and I returned to our seats and resumed eating. For the remainder of our breakfast, we remained quiet until it was time for us to leave. After we were done, Rose and I grabbed our backpacks and headed out the front door.
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As we waited for our arrival, my mind began to wander back to the day when I discovered that I could use magic. It'd been nearly five years ago now. My mother had died, and I had moved into the Albury family, my mother’s relatives. It was the middle of the night and I was in my room doing my usual exercises.
“21…22…23…” My arms started to give in while I lifted my body off the wooden floor. My breathing became heavy, before my it gave out and collapsed on the floor. I know that seemed pathetic, but I just started working out recently and wanted to take my mind off and preoccupy myself. If you lost someone close to you, wouldn’t you do the same? I wanted to get stronger and push all those feelings down in the pit of my stomach.
Suddenly, I felt something burning my hand. I turned and jumped back up. “What the hell?!” I screamed.
My entire hand was consumed in green flame, which frightened me since I didn’t know what was going on. I became frantic. I swung my arm around, hoping that it would go away. Sadly, it did not. That’s when I calmed down and realized that I wasn’t in any peril whatsoever. The green flame didn’t hurt at all. It was just hot. Just then, the flame disappeared, and I remained standing stunned with my hand up to my face.
“That. Didn’t just happen, did it?”
My body immediately fell onto the side of my bed while my hands clasped against my face. A wave of suspense washed over me. I wasn’t sure if I should tell my family what had just happened, or if I should keep it to myself. That’s when a loud knock appeared at my door.
The door opened and walking in was Rose. She grimaced with pursed lips, “Genji, are you okay? I heard you screaming loudly and got worried.”
I waved my hands and panicked. “It’s n-nothing! I just pulled something, that’s all! Don’t worry, it already subsided and it’s nothing too serious!”
Yeah, I decided not to tell her anything. Rose arched a brow, looking right through me if I was telling the truth. Luckily, she bought it.
Rose then shrugged her shoulders and replied, “Alright. As long as you didn’t hurt yourself.” Then she walked out the door and gingerly closed it behind her.
Once she was gone, I could finally breathe as I sighed deeply and inhaled. A couple minutes later, I spent the rest of the evening surfing the internet on my laptop, trying to find answers on what was happening to me and if there were other who was going through the same thing. I searched for any information on “green fire”, but all I got was zilch. Just as I was about to give up, I spotted something.
It was a website that talked about magic and powers, called “Spellcheck.com”. At first, I thought it was a fake site made to con people, but after opening it and skimming through, my eyes widened in bewilderment from the contents.
My jaw dropped and droplets of sweat formed on my forehead. “This can’t be real? I have magical powers?”
On that day, my life was forever changed. Since then, I had been training, honing my skills, and seeing what features my powers had.
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Back in the present day, Uncle Josh was driving us to school in his blue Corvette while Rose and I sat in the back. My cousin was wearing a red jacket and longer pants, which was good because if she walked around with that top and those shorts, she would have had a mouthful from the teachers, especially on the first day of school.
Unfortunately, the back seat wasn’t very comfortable, especially when you’re sitting too close together.
“Hey! Rose! Your leg’s touching mine! Will you move it?!” I demanded irately.
She growled and barked, “You move it, Genji! Your long legs are close to my spot!” I could have sworn her face was blushing, but I shrugged it off as nothing.
“Hey! My legs are fine! It’s your legs that are too big, thunder thighs!” I countered.
“What did you call me?!”
Yep. We were just like siblings.
“Knock it off before I turn this car around!” From hearing my uncle shout, Rose and I stopped for a moment, but then resumed bickering, which was loud enough to drown out uncle Josh’s loud sigh.
The car parked at the front of the school and we both got out before saying goodbye to uncle Josh. We stood before a large, rectangular gray building that was presumably about three stories in height.
“Well, let’s do this.”
We proceeded forward and entered straight into the school as we saw hundreds of others going in as well. A new day was upon us, but I couldn’t help but feel a darkness looming over.
End of chapter
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138,200 Literary Works • 672,081 Reviews
Hey kman,
Shady here with a review for you this fine day! I was going to review your second chapter that's stuck in the Green Room, but I wanted to get a bit of background before jumping in, so I decided to review this one as well
Minor issue, but just before this you said he/she (not super clear yet haha) was watching the cars pass. But now they are alone so that they can do magic? Maybe add a bit of explanation for where the cars suddenly went.
Another minor nitpick, but you already said he (still not sure, but I'm guessing he's a he at this point haha) was wearing a red shirt and blue jeans -- so why are you mentioning it again here, just a few sentences later?
Okay, so I appreciate what you're trying to do here. But this falls very firmly into the realm of "telling" rather than "showing". Whenever you include things like "Before I can continue, I would like to explain something first" you rip the reader out of the continuity of your story.
I'd been starting to imagine the scene. Cousins eating breakfast with their parents and/or aunts/uncles, a friendly rivalry, heading to school. You set up a nice mental image and I was starting to get into the story -- then this sentence rips me back out of the narrative, and reminds me that I am in fact reading a book rather than being present in the moment.
It is important to give backstory, especially when it's as big of a plot detail as him gaining magic. However, I would recommend doing it in a more gentle way. That can look like a lot of different approaches.
Personally, when I have a situation like this I need to explain, I use a flashback, which appears to be where you're going with this. However, you can introduce it more like "As we waited for the bus, my mind began to wander back to the day that landed me in this house to begin with. It'd been nearly five years ago now." Or something like that -- and then I generally put the flashback in italicized text so it's clear to the reader that they're reading a flashback rather than something that is currently happening in the story.
Another minor nitpick, but is that really a legitimate threat when he's driving them to school? To an amusement park, sure. But I doubt either of them actually want to be going, so I don't see how that would motivate them to behave.
You mean their uncle? Why say the driver?
~ ~ ~
Okay! This was a good start to your story! Sorry if I came across as a bit harsh -- you do have an interesting idea and it looks like you'll have a great story. I just think you can improve the story if address the issues now, rather than having to correct a bunch of things in your editing stage.
I do like your characters, though. I am looking forward to reading the second chapter soon!
Keep writing!
~Shadyh
Genji's a boy.
Hi there Kman134. This is Kays here dropping in for a review so without further ado, let's delve right in.
The opening paragraph doesn't serve much of a purpose. I suppose this shows that the main character runs even though the reader only assumes that this is the main character going on a morning run. Another question: How is the narrator far enough away from home on foot that they have to use magic to get back home? That doesn't make all that much sense in my mind.
Don't explain how this magic works, show how the magic works. Instead of having the narrator talk about how magic works, sprinkle in the information via context clues and other means that are less blunt. Being told in a straightforward way like this paragraph does isn't satisfying. Also, what's stamina? Physical stamina? Stamina in a more video game sense? That isn't even well-explained, to begin with. The track shorts seem to suggest that this takes place in the real world and present day, so I'm assuming that this is a sort of urban fantasy.
Moving on from that last paragraph, 'whatever clothes I needed' isn't that strong of a description for starters. What's a little confusing here is that we see the main character talk about 'despite' their exercise, their body being lanky although...the readers see them running and not lifting weights or doing more bodybuilding-based exercises? Which doesn't make all that much sense because if you show them doing that instead of running at the beginning of the prologue, you kill two birds with one stone in helping set up his 'despite my exercise' statement here.
Only 30 feet? Genji only ran 30 feet? Why did he even have to teleport back from such a short distance? Do you mean 300 feet? If not, I'd suggest going outside, measuring 30 feet, running there, and running back. That legitimately takes less than 10 seconds and marathon runners can run 100 feet in under 10 seconds.
Not almost superhuman if the main character is lanky and weak? Also, she flips him? Does she do martial arts?
Push-ups! An activity that's more practical to participate in for a person who wants to become less lanky! Second of all, don't explain to the reader! Show the reader. There's not even a
direct need to go straight into important flashback mode and a lot of the chapter feels similarly info-dumpy.
I didn't think I'd comment on this paragraph but I came back and re-read and wanted to point out the grocery list descriptions. What I mean by that is the description lists off the features of Genji's cousin and isn't well-executed at all. Instead of doing this, sprinkle the descriptions instead of info-dumping them into a single paragraph.
This acts more like a first chapter than a prologue. A prologue is usually short and sweet, to the point although this is rather long. The end of the prologue is even fitting for the end of a first chapter and this acts like a first chapter, introducing our main character and their current life. Additionally, there are a group of people who don't read prologues, especially if they're on the longer side and in this chapter alone there seems to be a lot of crucial information to the plot that somebody might potentially skip out on like how Genji first discovers his powers.
Finally, why is the website called 'Spellcheck.com'? What's magic and powers have to do with spellchecking? In the real world, I'm sure that web address would be either taken by an actual website that deals with spellchecking or investigated because ANYONE can type that in. Also, why did he pursue the website if he initially thought it to be a scam? That doesn't make sense. I suppose I understand that the word 'spell' can relate to magic spells but that address isn't even a fake word. What if somebody looking for a website to spellcheck their essay typed that up or found that website? Make the website less obvious or harder to find. If real magic existed and the public didn't know of it, the people who did know would try a lot harder to keep that hidden.
Well, that's all I have to say for this prologue. I hope I helped! If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask.
It's hard to "show" it. I always get complaints that I also tell and not show however, I'm going to fix that.
Physical stamina
Rose possesses Herculean strength. it's a mystery even amongst the family. Also, just because Genji has magic powers, it doesn't not mean he's superman. to keep it under the concept of realism, I wanted Genji to be average, yet not so average.
Spellcheck.com is a reference to SpellsofMagic.com--a real website that talks about spells and magic. some people tend to disregard it as a spam site. however, like the website, it is used by normal humans and the spells never work, unless they are real magic users.
And yet proceeds - seconds later - to use an ability requiring a substantial amount of "stamina." I understand that Magicians perhaps have a shorter recovery time, but having run for an hour and still having enough energy to teleport a distance that takes one hour via running. I'm mildly impressed, yet somewhat concerned for his wellbeing.
Though this also raises the question that, since teleporting requires a certain level of stamina to use, and that it's likely one would feel tired after using it. Is it possible to get fit by teleporting all over the place? IDK.
My effort was pitiful, to say the least.
When I think of slender, I oddly think of someone who is fit; a marathon runner is slender, whereas the word lanky, in my head, fits the image better.
"how was your run?" seems more natural, rather than asking if he got enough.
As amusing as "east side of the table" is, it paints a picture that either the table is broken up into 4 parts representing a compass, or that the table is large. very large. I really don't even think it's important telling us where the aunt rebecca is sitting in relation to anything. sitting at the table is fine enough.
Moving back to the beginning of the story.
He teleported home with 1 1/2 hrs to spare, yet wanders down the stairs with only 30min remaining? Did he go back to sleep? How long does it take to teleport? I know it's kinda of a petty nit-pick, but taking an hour to have a shower and get changed seems a tad excessive. Does Genji secretly put on makeup? :O
Picking up where we left off.
It took him one hour to run a block?
I like how you're describing your cousin, though this sentence makes it seem that she only ever wears the above, and never anything else. I'd like to think she has at least some sense of personal hygiene.
Tad confusing. suggest rewording.
I wasn't wondering this, but ok.
I like this story, and I like where you're taking it. I'd suggest running it through spell checker in microsoft word, or even grammarly, which should pick up the minor grammatical issues.
All in all, good job.
Look forward to more from you.
Thomas
thanks for the review.
I think when using teleportation, I doubt you can get much exercise from it as it folds space-time to allow the user to travel without moving. however, you can still get a little tired, but it's the equivalent of a man getting tired while laying on the couch.
Also, what do you mean by hygiene? do mean like how Rose smells?
It was just the way you worded this, making it sound as if she doesn't wear anything else besides this; therefore her hygiene would be bad
Don't worry about the hygiene part, for it truly isn't necessary. Focus the wording of this sentence, and let me know what u come up with.
T.
Well, I did mention a jacket. maybe, I should mention longer pants.
Also, sorry about that. I was trying to make Rose act and look more like a tomboyish rebel to fit her personality before she left for school and change into appropriate clothing.
Oh yeah. chapter 1 of Magician's wars had been published, by the way.