Magician's Wars Chapter 3

by kman134

Published February 3, 2018

18+ Language Violence

In Magician's Wars

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

  • Chapter 3

The darkness impaired my vision. I was having trouble seeing where I was going as I ran down the halls of the second floor, letting out ragged breathes without stopping.

I turned my head around while my eyes widened in fear. “Oh, you gotta be kidding me?!” Behind me was a swarm of shadow people and it was the first time I had ever encountered such creatures. I had read books about them but seeing them physically…that’s a whole different story. I turned to my right and sprinted down the stairwell. I tripped and tumbled down the last few steps. I got back up and continued running before making another right down the hallway. Because of the adrenaline coursing through me, the pain subsided, but after 5 minutes of running, I seethed while my right leg started to hurt.

However, they continued to pursue me, and boy were they relentless. I ran into the cafeteria and hid behind the trash bin. I gingerly peeked over, gleaming at the entrance with my eyes widening at what I was seeing.

They crawled across the walls, as I watched the darkness they dispersed, spreading all over the cafeteria, while they searched for me. One of them eventually spotted me and alerted the rest of its pack. I guess the saying was true that you can run, but can’t hide, because no matter where I ran or hid, the darkness was their territory. My heart was racing and so was my mind. I was frozen in place, being unable to move as they got closer. At that moment, I regained my strength, leaped up, and dashed away to the hallways once more.

While I ran, I looked at each room number. I grimaced. “Where the fuck is that room? It’s got to be around here somewhere.” Due to the nightmare that has befallen onto me, I was unable to recall where the open window was as my thoughts were clouded with fear. Unfortunately, I hit a dead end. Literally. I ran right into a wall and fell onto the floor.

I groaned and rubbed my head, seething in pain while a throbbing headache appeared. I even looked at my hand and tensed when I saw some blood on the palm. I quickly got up and stood my ground. They were coming in faster than before. They must have been really hungry. I took deep breath and glowered at the swarm. Clenching my hand, I channeled all of my energy and was ready for a fight.

“Okay. If there’s nowhere left to run and no place to hide, then I guess the only option is to fight.” I had never used my powers in a fight before, however that made it the perfect opportunity to try, and I knew it was going to be messy. I had been testing this ability by using bottles in the basement and, after that I would clean up the refuge before my relatives came home.

They charged as they bared their fangs and claws. Extending my arm, I watched my hand glowed ethereal green. I chanted under my breath: “Dimittere ignis!” and watched a beam of energy firing out from my hand.

It struck the shadow people, incinerating about 5 or 6 of them into dust. However, that wasn’t enough as they regrouped and charged again. That blast exerted much of my energy, having only an iota left to stay conscious as I sat down and waited for them to arrive.

“God, get off your lazy ass and give me a miracle!” I prayed wildly. Nothing happened. I took huge, ragged breaths. This was it. I was dead. If there was an afterlife, at least I will get to see mom again.

Suddenly, a cloud of red light appeared, and, in an instant, the shadow people were no more. What remained was a cloud of dark mist as it floated in an air. Then I heard a sucking sound like someone had just turned on a vacuum cleaning while watching the mist being taken in by the mouth of a slender figure until there was nothing left. Then a loud gulping sound followed.

The pitter-patter of shoes squeaking echoed in the hallway as they got closer and closer. “Really? I said that we should hang out again, and right when we’re in the middle of a shadow creature infestation, here we are. If I have to guess, I think our paths are crossed by fate.” My jaw almost dropped to the ground while my eyes bulged in surprise.

Coming out from the dark was Gabrielle who moseyed over and stood with her arms crossed while she arched her brow.

“Honestly, when we first met, I didn’t peg you as a magic user as well,” she commented.

My body hyped while I started to panic. Waving my hands nonthreateningly, I became hysterical as I tried to come up with an excuse. “Magic user?! I’m not a magic user! I don’t even know what that even means!”

Her eyes rolled while she smirked. “Yeah, sure, and I suppose that beam of energy that came from your hand was a medical condition. You’re not fooling anyone.”

I sighed in defeat as I lowered my head. Usually, I was good at lying when it came to my “gifts”, but since I was tired and exhausted, I couldn’t muster a proper deception. Also, it might have worked if she hadn’t seen me use magic right in front of her in the first place.

“Okay, fine. You caught me. I am a magic user,” I grimaced. Leaning back up, I crossed my arms and furrowed my brows. “Then again, I can say the same thing about you. I didn’t think I would find another magician so early in my life time, especially on the first day of school.”

“Really? How would you meet another one?”

“Probably, through a letter that would take me to some magical school of wizards and witches.”

The two of us just laughed. When you think about it, something like that would be a little absurd. Then everything went silent and Gabrielle and I just stood face-to-face for a mere 10 seconds.

Placing a hand on her hip, she glowered and frowned. “So, are you going to tell me why you’re here, or not?”

I replied straightforwardly, “I just came here to get my math book, but the door’s lock in Room 203 and that’s when everything became crazy.”

She shrugged her shoulders and nodded her head. “Hey, life is random, man. You just have to make the best of it.” Grabbing my arm she placed it around her neck and guided me to the staircase, while she grinned half-heartedly.

“Come on. I’ll help you get your book back.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood beside the door, watching Gabrielle get to work. In her hands were a bobby pin and a screwdriver. The sound of rattling emitted from the lock. I was impressed by how calm she was as her face remained placid the entire time.

“Have you done this before?”

“Yeah, I have. I’m your typical housebreaking chica.” Twirling her screwdriver in the air, she smirked with sarcasm in her tone. “Let me guess, the reason you were so desperate for getting your math book is because you love math and get agitated when you can’t do it. Am I right?”

I deadpanned while I pinched the bridge of my eyes. “Okay. Okay. I get the gist. Also, no, that’s not the reason why. Stereotypes aside, have you really done this before?” I asked sullenly.

“No. I’ve never picked a lock, but I’ve seen a lot of YouTube videos on the subject and thought this seemed like a perfect opportunity to try.”

That made a lot of sense, actually. There are a lot of videos on the subject. While she did look like a troublemaker, I didn’t want to judge a book by its cover. However, our small talk was cut short as a loud click appeared and the door to the math room opened.

“There you go. Don’t worry, I’ll mail you the bill,” Gabrielle remarked.

I walked in, grabbed my book, and slid it into my jacket. After closing and locking the classroom, Gabrielle and I climbed out of the school through the window and proceeded walking down the street as we headed home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, why did you come to the school at this hour, anyway?” the two of us were traveling down the sidewalk for probably 20 minutes and I thought it was nice to pass the time with some small talk.

“Well, obviously, because of the shadow creatures. I’ve been investigating that phenomenon even before the school day started and was trying to find the source of it all.” The way she spoke was like that of a detective, from her straightened posture to her stoic expression. Holding her chin, her brows furrowed as she thought analytically. “So far, my inquiry has led me to a dead end, but my assumption is that one of our classmates might be responsible for such an infestation.”

Arching a brow, I couldn’t help but stare at her with a weird look. Gabrielle became anxious as she chuckled and scratched her cheek while droplets of sweat formed on her head. “Sorry about that. When I was a kid, I used to read a lot of Sherlock Holmes. Because of that, I have a habit of acting like a private eye. It’s my greatest shame.”

Not wanting to get into that further, I changed the subject. “S-so, tell me about that trick earlier. How were you able to devour those shadow creature’s remains like that?”

“It’s a little power called ‘soul-sucking’. It allows me to consume, not just souls, but any form of spiritual entity as it can increase my arsenal to use in my attacks.” Something like that was really impressive, but it was a little terrifying with my face becoming perturbed as my eyes rose.

“…and how did you come across such an ability?”

“Don’t ask questions you might not want the answer to.” At the time, I didn’t really get what she meant, but I would have learned it one way or another. “What about you, Genji? How long have you been able to use Aether?”

“Aether?”

“It is one of the seven elements in the world and is considered by many to be the breath of the gods.” stated Gabrielle. She held a finger up while her glare became serious. We both stopped as I listened to her explained. “I don’t mean the elements on a periodic table. In this world, there are seven ‘true’ elements: Fire, Earth, Air, Water, Light, Darkness, and Aether. Among them are several sub-elements like combustion and ice, which are powers magicians can develop after mastering their respective element. However, since Aether is a powerful and impossible element to harness in this world, it is rare to see a magician be able to control such an ability.”

“How do you even know all of this?”

Shrugging her shoulders, Gabrielle answered, “Like you, I also did my research.”

“Well, to be honest, it all happened when I was 11-years-old, and I had a lot of baggage.” I told what she needed to know. I left some other…personal stuff out because I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. However, the part about me ‘freaking out while working out’ did make her laugh, which made my cheeks turned a little red. “Long story short, I got powers and a fake excuse on why my bedroom lamp was shattered into pieces.”

“And you used Spellcheck.com as a beginners guide?!” Holding a hand to her face, she let out a bellowing laugh before leaning back a little. The way she laughed kind of got on my nerves as I glared at her with a deadpanned expression.

“Yeah, and before I could finish my training, the site was taken down a year afterwards. Luckily, I managed to copy some of the spells on the site and write it down on a piece of paper.”

“You do know that that sight was posted by magic-user wannabes in hopes of finding actual magicians, right?! Because of people constantly mistaking it for a grammar-checking site and because of rants from Christian fanatics, the makers got sick and tired of the complaints and had to take it down out of fruitlessness!”

“How do you even know that?” I questioned with my arms crossed.

“Same as you. When my powers came in, I used the same site also. However, unlike you, I actually printed my spell list, instead of writing them down,” she replied. Having a hand on her hip, she moved a strand of hair away from her face while she pursed her lips.

Once we finished talking, we kept on walking while the sound of our laughter filled the air until we reached our destination. The only time we ever stopped laughing was when someone told us “Shut up! I’m trying to sleep!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stood on the footsteps at the front door. I waved Gabrielle goodbye as she walked down on the opposite side of the street. Reaching into my pocket and pulling out my smartphone, my eyes bulged when I saw how late it was. Luckily, the door wasn’t locked, which meant that either Rose must have unlocked it for me or possibly Uncle Josh was waiting to give me a stern talking about where I was and why I came home so late. Hopefully, Aunt Rebecca’s still at the office. So, she wouldn’t partake in the bashing. Luckily, that didn’t concern me as I was happy to have met another magic-user just like me, and someone so…free-spirited and jovial at best. Who knows? Maybe our meeting was fated to be and maybe the red thread had already been tied to our fingers. However, I couldn’t help but feel there was more to Gabrielle than meets the eye.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Lightsong
Review
Lightsong wrote a review Review · Mar 22, 2018

Hey, I'm here to review! :D

I was having trouble seeing where I was going as I ran down the halls of the second floor, letting out painted breaths without stopping.


I have trouble visualizing painted breaths, so maybe you want to say 'panted breaths' instead?

Because of the adrenaline coursing through me, the pain subsided, but after 5 minutes of running, I seethed while my right leg started to hurt.


Refrain from using a digit as a number and instead write it down if it's between 1 and 10. Also, the action sequence mostly starts with I as the subject, so vary it a bit to make it less repetitive.

I gingerly peaked over, gleaming at the entrance with my eye-widening at what I was seeing.


'peeked over'

I also notice you use 'as' and 'while' quite frequently. Again, try to vary and use other connectors. It will also sound repetitive as the story goes on.

Unfortunately, I hit a dead end. Literally. I ran right into a wall and fell onto the floor.


This is ouch but also humorous. I like it.

“Okay. if there’s nowhere left to run and no place to hide, then I guess the only option is to fight.”


This dialogue isn't necessary because 1) we already know he's going to fight and 2) it seems unlikely he would say this to the shadow people. It's not like they need a head's up or something. I would find it more natural if he just goes straight to the fighting scene.

God, get off your lazy ass and give me a miracle, I prayed wildly. Nothing happened. I took huge, ragged breaths. This was it. I was dead. If there was an afterlife, at least I will get to see mom again?


The transition here is rather rapid and short. I like the dialogue - it shows off the MC's character well - but the part about him being sure there's no hope already is so sudden I don't have time to adjust to it and have feels about it. I also think you need to describe more of his hopeless state so that it becomes more poignant. As of right now, it's a bit rushed.

Coming out from the dark was Gabrielle who moseyed over and stood with her arms crossed while she arched her brow.


I have to stay, Gabrielle has a wonderful entry and the way you describe her movements, she looks fabulous. I also learn a new word today - mosey. I don't think it's quite commonly used, but it's perfect for this scene.

“Probably, through a letter that would take me to some magical school of wizards and witches.”


HP reference! I like it, it adds to the humorous aspect of the story.

“No. I’ve never picked a lock, but I’ve seen a lot of YouTube videos on the subject and thought this seemed like a perfect opportunity to try.”


You CANNOT trust a YouTube video! xD That is like asking Google when you're in pain instead of a doctor. YouTube is many things, but being practical isn't one of them (as far as I know). Maybe it's just me, though, but it's something to think about.

“There you go. Don’t worry, I’ll mail you the bill,” Gabrielle remarked.


She's full of personality I just can't not love her. <3

Overall, while I have a bit of a critique about the chapter, I think it's a solid one as well. The scenes are easy to follow through and the characters are portrayed sufficiently. Gabrielle stands out more to me than Genji, but that might be because I haven't read the previous chapters. I also like the friendship they're creating here, but I personally want them to stay as friends instead of lovers because it's done so many time and will change the dynamic of their relationship which I already like. The description is also sufficiently provided, so I have no trouble visualizing what is happening.

All in all, a solid chapter. Keep up the good job! :D

Thanks for the review.

Also, if I wanted to make Gabrielle and Genji lovers, then I would give them a reason to do so. I'm aware of the relationship upgrade trope and know that it has been done numerous times. however, if I want to go in that direction, I wouldn't rush it and would take my time to slowly build it up so that if they do become a couple, I would make it that and keep the friend dynamic they have now. Also, I want the two to enjoy other relationships before something like that happens.

Also, chapter 4 has been posted

User avatar
Mea
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Mea wrote a review Review · Mar 9, 2018

Hey, kman! I'm back for another review today.

Overall, this is actually a pretty solid chapter. Gabrielle's arrival especially was very entertaining because she's just so fun as a character, although I'm not terribly surprised to learn she's a magic-user as well. I particularly liked the idea of having a website that they learned spells off of - that's a cool mix of magic and technology that really fits the setting.

My biggest critique for this is in the beginning, when your main character is fighting for his life. While a bunch of intense, interesting stuff is happening, the emotion just isn't there. To me, your main character never really felt afraid or panicked, despite the fact that he should be terrified. He came close to it here:

I started praying for God to get off his lazy ass and give me a miracle. If that didn’t work, and if there was an afterlife, then I would be happy to see mom again.

but although what he's doing shows desperation, the tone of the narration makes it feel more casual and disconnected from the scene, like he's not really taking this seriously. I think part of it is that you state things very matter-of-factly and your sentences tend to run together. Try to use more emotional verbs and show his body language and the physical reactions of adrenaline, like your heart pounding, etc. Something like this:

God, get off your butt and give me a miracle, I prayed wildly. Nothing happened.
I took huge, ragged breaths. This was it. I was dead. If there was an afterlife, at least I could see Mom?

...feels a lot more immediate, intense, and emotional.

Smaller things
behind me was a swarm of shadow people and it was the first time I had ever encounter such creatures

If this is the first time he's ever encountered shadow people, he should probably describe what they look like. How does he know they're shadow people?

Because of the adrenaline coursing through me, the pain subsided, but after 20 minutes of running

This was one spot that completely jolted me out of the story. Running flat-out for a literal 20 minutes straight through a school? He would have run down every hallway five times at least. More importantly, very few people can run that fast for that long, and I didn't get the impression that he's trained as a runner or anything. In reality, it probably felt like 20 minutes, but would have only been 3-5.

“Let me guess, the reason you were so desperate of getting your math book is because you love math and get agitated when you can’t do it. Am I right?”

I deadpanned while I glared at her. I said sullenly, “Okay. Okay. I get the gest. stereotypes aside, have you really done this before?”

"gest" should be "gist." Also, I honestly can't tell if he's saying that yes, that's why he was getting his math book, or if he's admitting that he was stereotyping her. It's just a bit unclear what stereotypes are at play here.

But I'll reiterate: this chapter was really quite good, and I definitely enjoyed it. The information about Gabrielle and magic in general is timed well, right after an action scene when we want explanations. Your dialogue is pretty good and your characters are engaging, though some of it can be polished and some more emotional expression added.

And that's all I've got! Good luck with this, and keep writing!

kman134 replied · Mar 9, 2018

Thanks for the review.

the stereotypes being played are latino and asian stereotypes. Since Gabrielle and Genji are respectively latino and asian, I thought it would be fun for them to take jabs at that.

Also, Chapter 4 has been posted



Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein