z

Young Writers Society


Language Mature Content

Magician's Wars Chapter 2

by kman134


My feet trailed across the steps of the school’s entrance. However, before I could move forward, I stopped and smelled something repugnant in the air.

“What’s wrong?” Rose asked. Seeing that disgusted expression on my face, she started to worry as her face fell.

I replied with a stutter, “N-nothing’s wrong. I j-just remembered that I need to go to the library, that’s all.” Since it was on the other side of campus, it was the perfect excuse to use.

I quickly broke away from her and ran to the other side of the school while I shouted and waved back at her. “I’ll catch up with you in a little while!”

I followed the smell about 20 feet away from my previous location. I turned around the corner and saw where the odor was coming from. Leaning against the red brick wall, standing out in the cold air outside of the library building, was a young woman about my age with a cigarette in hand as she inhaled and puffed out rings of smoke.

She had tanned skin with a slim athletic figure, green eyes, and black hair with pink streaks. She was wearing blue low jeans, a black and white-striped top with a dark blue jacket over it, and a pair of monochrome low sneakers.

Before she could take another hit, she turned to face me and arched a brow. “Can I help you with something?”

“I was just wandering about that cigarette you’re smoking.”

From the way it smelled, it was no ordinary cigarette. The fumes carried a hint of peppermint with a dash of chamomile. However, I can detect a small trace of ammonia, which just made it more odious. If you don’t know, ammonia is used as a binding agent in cigarettes for the nicotine. She examined the stick before presenting it to me. It was homemade, wrapped by her black-nailed hands.

“It’s just something I’ve experimenting on. What? Are you going to rat me out to the school?” she mused. She crossed her arms and smirked.

I scowled and huffed. “I’m not a nark. I happened to smell it and it upset my nostrils, but that’s beside the point. Isn’t smoking on campus restricted.”

“It is, but it’s no fun following all the rules.” The emo girl extinguished the cig against the wall and walked over to me. She placed a hand on her hip, raising her brows while she pursed her lips. “By the way, what’s your name? If we’re having this chat, I need to call you something.”

“My name is Genji Sato. And yours?”

“Gabrielle Rodriguez.”

I extended my hand, expecting a handshake. However, she gave me a fist bump instead. Gabrielle then walked past me and headed inside the building, but not before turning around and winking at me with a grin.

“There’s something interesting about you, Genji. I hope to see you again someday.” The way she said it so musingly and coolly made my cheeks turn a little red and my spine shiver with chills. Just then, the bell rang, and I gasped.

“Oh shit! I’m gonna be late!”

I dashed as quickly as I could, running down the hallway, but not too fast to get in trouble. I stopped in front of Room 233, my homeroom, where I reached the handle, slowly opened it, and gingerly sauntered in. I wasn’t being quiet to sneak right in, but just didn’t want to disturb the classroom. However, everyone in the classroom, including the teacher, took notice and turned their attention to me.

“Let me guess. You’re Genji Sato, am I correct?”

“Y-yes. That’s correct.”

“Well, I’m glad you are finally with us. I’m Ms. Eiling and I’ll be your homeroom teacher,” she introduced herself. She crossed her arms and scowled, but then she gestured a hand. “Why don’t you take a seat before class officially starts.”

I complied. I walked over to the rows, hoping to find an available seat. However, the only remaining one was in the center of the second row and it was next to a very cute girl. No. Not the one from before, but an even cuter one, which made me very nervous.

She looked to be about a year older than me with long blonde hair that stretched to her waist, beautiful pale skin, blue eyes, and a slender frame with well-formed mounds. The way she was dressed was very conservative, wearing a tanned turtleneck sweater that caressed her breasts, with a gold cross around her neck, a short plaid skirt, and a pair of white knee socks under a pair of flats.

Right when I sat down next to her, she immediately turned and took notice while she smiled. “Hi. You must be a freshman. My name is Claire Leblanc and I want you to know that if you need any help, I’m available for anything as student council president.” She reached her hand for me to shake it. I hesitated at first but manage to grip it. I was amazed at how soft her hand was, which made my heart race a little.

“G-glad to hear that. M-my name is Genji Sato and it’s a p-pleasure to make you’re a-acquaintance.” I lowered my head and avoided eye-contact while I nervously smiled with red cheeks. I wasn’t sure if this was love at first sight, but the feeling made it seem like it.

Letting out a small giggle, Claire moved her hand away and placed them both on her desk. She stated, “Well, Genji. I can tell we’re going to be the best of friends.”

For the remainder of homeroom, the two of us continued to get to know each other and in such a short time, Claire and I learned a lot from one another.

She told me that she was a fan of One Direction and loved strawberry parfait, and I told her that I was a fan of AC/DC and loved chicken parmesan. It all went swimmingly, that is, until it went south at the end.

“So, tell me, Genji. What is your opinion on the bible?” she questioned. She flashed an innocent grin as she waited for a response.

My lips pursed while I arched a brow. I gave her a straight answer as I shrugged my shoulders. “Frankly, I don’t really have much of an opinion. Don’t get me wrong, the bible is a good source of moral teaching and I’ve read about every book in it, but it’s just something I’m not into.”

That’s when her smile slowly faded into a frown. It appears she was not happy with my statement.

“Well, maybe I can change your mind about that. We at the Bible Club can show you the wonders of the bible and teach you the glory of God that it projects,” she offered. Although she sounded very considerate and sweet, the undertone was a little condescending with a hint of pushiness.

Glaring at her with a deadpanned expression, I was a little miff while my nostrils fumed a little. Flashing a smirk, I waved my hand dismissively. “That’s sweet of you, but I would like to happily decline. I’m agnostic and don’t find religion all that interesting for me.”

That still didn’t make things better as it just made the blonde girl more persistent. Near the end of homeroom, she kept pushing me to join her club, so that she could “save my soul” and “accept Jesus as our lord and savior.” Out of everyone in the school, why was the first person I had to meet a religious fundamentalist.

She reached into her backpack and took out the International version of the Bible, opened it up, and began to read. “Here, let me read you a verse from Isaiah: ‘Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.’ Now, doesn’t that sound empowering?” I pinched the bridge of my nose, becoming a little miffed that the girl couldn’t take the hint that I didn’t want any part of her club, or her religion. Hearing the pages turning, I knew she was about to read another verse.

When the bell rang, and everyone dispersed to their respective first period classrooms, I sighed in relief and couldn’t help but whisper “Thank you God!” between breaths.

------------------

The first three classes went by fast. Since it was the first day of school for us freshmen, we didn’t really have many assignments for them to give us, but we still went over syllabuses until the end of the hour. At around 12 o’clock in the afternoon, lunchtime was the only time to relax. Well, that and going to the library for some peace and quiet. However, because I was hungry, I chose to spend my free time in the cafeteria.

The area was huge with gray walls and a skylight on the ceiling. There were about twenty long tables placed in rows of three. Lastly, there were two stands that distributed food located inside the kitchen on the other side of the cafeteria while a long line waited to enter through two doorways.

I stood at the front while I held a tray filled with common lunch meals—pizza, a burger, fries, and beans—which, for the record, was extremely unhealthy, even for regular food. Surveying the area, I took notes of who was sitting where, and which table was vacant for me to sit. On the left, I found tables with the jocks, nerds, and preps and on the right, there were the thespians, goths, and hipsters. You would think that with all those afterschool programs, such grouping would have been rendered obsolete by the 21st century. Sadly, such hopes are just mere wishful thinking.

Luckily, I found a vacant seat. Unfortunately, it was right beside Claire and who I presume are the members of her Bible Club. When she spotted me, she waved her arm erratically, wanting me to come over and sit next to her. I merely turned and walked away. That’s when I decided to sit outside and eat my lunch. Today’s a beautiful day. So, why waste it sitting inside?

Walking out through the double doors, I cringed from having the sun in my eyes. The blue sky was clear without a cloud in sight. Although it was cold with the air blowing a little, it was quite refreshing to feel it against my hair. Heading over to the picnic table, I was relieved to see that no one was occupying it, as I sat down and began eating. However, I couldn’t help but feel a familiar presence in the vicinity.

“This is a surprise. I didn’t think I would see you again on the first day, Genji.” I turned to my right and was befuddled as Gabrielle walked up to me with a lunchbox in hand. She sat down in front of me and grinned. She opened it and pulled out a meatloaf sandwich, a tall thermos, and five tamales.

“So, you bring your own lunch?” I mused.

She shrugged while taking a bite. “It happens when your mom works a lot. Even though she does give me money for lunch, I prefer to make my own and not have a heart attack before graduation here.”

We both chuckled. Resting her head on her hand, Gabrielle smirked half-heartedly as she stared into my eyes. It was unnerving. Her gaze was very alluring, and it complimented her natural beauty in a sense. I tried to avoid her eyes and turned my attention to my meal.

“Before the bell rings, tell me about yourself because, at this point, we’re both just on a first name basis.”

Despite only knowing her since this morning, it felt like we were on a date. So, after swallowing the lump in my throat, I told her about myself and, in return, she told me about herself.

“You know, it’s nice to meet someone who appreciates the classics,” I remarked. Like with Clair, after getting to know Gabrielle, my nerves completely disappeared.

She swatted a hand nonchalantly. She leaned back and crossed her legs, but she was careful not to lean too far as to fall off her chair. “Oh, come on. It’s not like it’s rare to find someone who likes AC/DC. Then again, I can’t believe there’s another person who actually read Watchmen, instead of watching the movie adaptation.”

“That’s my policy. I don’t watch any movie adaptation without reading the source material first.” The smile on her face grew wider while she brushed a strand of hair away from her eyes.

“What about Lost Girls? Have you ever read that?”

Shaking my head, I replied, “Not really. That’s on my list of books to read. Have you ever read Fullmetal Alchemist?”

“You mean that manga series about alchemy, government conspiracies, and the consequences of playing god? Nope, never heard of it.” The two of us laughed as the atmosphere around us became more relaxing. Rubbing my eyes, I smiled and looked back at Gabrielle. “You know, you are the first person in this whole school who hasn’t asked me to join a club or tried to convert me into their religion.”

“I take it you met little miss Sunday school, right?”

“You mean Claire? I have her in homeroom class. How do you know her?”

Pinching the bridge between her eyes, Gabrielle pursed her lips and groaned. She crossed her arms and replied, “Who doesn’t? Her father is one of school’s benefactors and has donated a large sum of money. She’s captain of the cheerleading team and president of the student council.”

My jaw nearly hit the floor. I was astonished that such a busy woman actually existed and assumed they were only in the movies. It was amazing, and scary, that she isn’t tearing at the seams from all of the pressure.

“How do you know all of this?”

“The same way as you. Last year, during my freshman years, I met the girl in my homeroom class and next thing you know it, she was trying to make me join her club while reading me a few verses from the bible, despite specifically telling her I was a Wiccan.”

I blinked a few times. I figured Claire was a little persistent, but I didn’t believe she would be so hell bent. Just then, the bell rang, and it was time for us to head to our next class.

“Well, I’ll see you later, Genji. If you want to hang out more, then you know where to find me.” Right when Gabrielle was walking away, she turned and gave me a wink. The sight caused my heart to skip a beat. Maybe I should tone it down with the Axe body spray.

------------------

The school day finally ended at 3:00PM as everyone started leaving for the afternoon. Hopping into uncle Josh’s car, Rose and I were relieved to be heading home and from the look on my cousin’s face, she might have also had the same exhausting day that I had.

“So, kids. Did you have a great first day in high school?” None of us responded to uncle Josh. We merely groaned and just slouched against the leather seats. “I take that as a so-so.”

We had arrived and immediately dashed up to the front door, but not before uncle Josh unlocked the door. If he hadn’t, we might have had busted the door down. Since aunt Rebecca worked late, we were the only ones in the house. Climbing up the staircase, I went straight to my room, threw my back pack on my desk, and landed straight onto my bed.

Finally, I was back in my fortress of solitude where I can be alone with my thoughts. Trailing my hands against my face, I stared up at the eggshell-colored ceiling while the fan slowly turned clockwise. At that moment, all I wanted to skip dinner and go to bed early. However, right before I could close my eyes, I heard a knock at my door.

“Who is it?” I muttered.

Walking in was Rose and without permission, she waltzed in and stood at the foot of my bed. “Hey, Genji. Do you mind if I sit with you?”

Leaning up and rubbing my eyes, I complied and moved my legs for my cousin to sit on the edge.

I gave her a deadpanned glare while my arms hung on my legs. “Is there something you want from me or is this just a casual visit?”

Rose twiddled her fingers and averted her eyes away. “I just wanted to talk about how your day went. I saw you outside during lunchtime and spotted you with a girl.”

“And your point is?”

“Oh, nothing. I’m just happy that you managed to make a friend on your first day,” stated Rose. She made eye-contact and flashed a cheerful grin.

Scratching the back of my head, I shut my eyes and glowered. Then I corrected stoically, “Before you ask, her name is Gabrielle and she’s more of an acquaintance than a friend.”

“Well, she seems pretty nice and pretty. The way you interacted was quite in sync and she’s not totally out of your league, which makes you two perfect for each other. So, maybe I could help set you two up, huh?” At that moment, my face immediately turned red. Having my cousin play matchmaker for me was really embarrassing. Snapping my head in her direction, I smiled and waved my hands hysterically.

“H-hey, that’s enough about me! How about you?! How was your day, by the way?!” I didn’t really care much for it. It was just the only way to put an end to our previous conversation without a blood vein popping.

Arching a brow, Rose stared irksomely at me. Having lived together, she was aware that I only changed the subject whenever something is either boring or just plain embarrassing. Luckily, she just brushed it off and answered the question.

“It was totes crae. We had an insane teacher in English class who, instead of giving us a survey sheet, assigned us a 500-word essay on a book of our choice and we have to read the first five chapters before writing it all down on paper.” She chuckled while waving a hand nonchalant. “The only positive side was that I met this cute guy in Art class and we both sat at the same table. I don’t know if he noticed me, or not, but anything is possible. Right?”

One could only dream. Suddenly, I winced and sprinted to my backpack.

“Damn it!”

“What’s wrong?!” Rose stared at me with wide eyes.

I rummaged through, but once I was finished, it only made me more unnerved than before. Pinching the bridge between my eyes, I stood up and was about to walk out the door. “I left my math book at school. It had my survey sheet inside and I need to get it back. Keep uncle Josh busy until I get back.”

“Genji. It’s almost five in the evening. The school is probably closed at this time,” Rose chided. She got up and motioned over in an effort to stop me.

However, I brushed her off and proceeded out the front door. I retorted, “There might be some clubs left in that time. So, I might be able to sneak in and get my book.” I strolled out the door and closed it behind me. I didn’t bother walking, so I teleported to the school without anyone noticing.

~~~~~~~~~~

I arrived seconds later as I stood at the school’s front entrance. The lights were completely off, giving off an absence of life, as no sound was uttered on the inside. Nevertheless, I pushed forward and attempted to open the door. Unfortunately, it was locked.

“Son of a…now, how am I supposed to get in?”

Arching a brow, I scratched the top of my head while I looked around. Then my prayers had been answered. On the other side of the school, right where the picnic table was, a window was left open. At first, I assumed the custodian forgot to close it when he was cleaning the cafeteria. However, I just shrugged my shoulders and took the opportunity to climb through it and moved onward. While this was technically breaking and entering, I was too concerned about my current objective to be worried about the ramifications of my actions.

I crept quietly and climbed up the stairwell, heading to Room 203. When I arrived, I placed my hand on the doorknob and turned it. I was hoping that it would be unlocked, and I could easily waltz in and get my book. Sadly, that was only wishful thinking. The door was locked tight and wriggling the knob didn’t help.

“Oh, come on! Why do you hate me God?!” I muttered. Putting a hand on my face, I trailed it down as I sighed.

The only thought coursing through my mind was “Could this get any worse?” Suddenly, a cold chill brushed against me. It was the same feeling from earlier, except that it was much stronger and more ominous. I twirled around and faced the hallway. Lurking in the darkness were shadowy figures that crawled out through the hall and approached me as they slinked in a decrepit manner. I was taken aback, moving away while my face contorted in surprise.

With one step back, I dashed away as they followed shortly after.


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Mon Feb 05, 2018 7:53 am
Evander wrote a review...



Heyo, kman! I had this on my list to review, so here we are. Let's jump right into the review.

“What wrong?” Rose asked. Seeing that disgusted expression on my face, she started to worry.

Genji isn't inside of Rose's head, he's inside of his own. It would make more sense for her emotional state to be shown to us via action and description, rather than Genji just intrinsically knowing what she's feeling. Does she have any quirks that starts show when she's worried? Do her eyebrows knit together? Does her tone change in pitch?

The fumes carried a hint of ammonia and peppermint with a dash of chamomile, which just made it more odious.

Ammonia really isn't something that anyone would be smoking. It's too strong. Ammonia, in a medical context, is used to wake people up when they're dead asleep. If somebody is out dead drunk and you break an ammonia capsule under their nose, then they will move around while still unconscious to get their nose away from ammonia. I've seen YouTube videos of it (for research purposes) and I asked my dad who is a nurse.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Smelling_salts

A.
I stopped in front of Room 233 to hoom room where [???] reached the handle, slowly opened it, and gingerly sauntered in.


B.
I turned to my right and was befuddled as Gabrielle sauntered with a lunchbox in hand.

These highlighted instances are the second and third time that you've used the word "sauntered" in this novel. (The first time it was used to describe the main character walking down the stairs in the first chapter.) The thing about the word "saunter" is that is evokes a specific visual in the reader's mind; when I see the word saunter, I imagine an individual with an aloof and arrogant attitude walking somewhere. To give some fictional characters for reference, I'd probably envision Severus Snape or Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter sauntering around. The actual definition of saunter is to "walk in a slow, relaxed manner, without hurry or effort." Yes, it can probably apply to the first and third usage, but it definitely doesn't fit in with the second usage.

Why is he sauntering into class if he doesn't want to be seen or noticed? Sauntering gingerly is like stomping quietly. To saunter requires no effort and to act gingerly is to act with caution or care; the two really go together like mayo and honey.

Regardless, "saunter" really is a word that sticks out like a sore thumb. I'd exchange the second usage for another word.

There are multiple errors in the A section, so I'd rewrite it. Here's a suggestion: "I stopped in front of Room 233, which was home room. Reaching the handle, I slowly opened it and gingerly crept in."

I was astonished that such a busy woman actually existed and only assumed they were only in the movies.

The thing about this novel is that it feels like it could have come right out of a live action TV show or an anime. It really reads as if it was meant for the screen and not meant for a book. This wink and nod to the realism issues of movies doesn't come across well and only adds to the unrealism. If Claire really participates in all of those activities, then it would make more sense to break the trope or deconstruct it and have her tearing at the seams or calling upon some other power to give her the ability to accomplish all of the responsibilities that those activities require of her. Winking and nodding towards a trope doesn't really work if you want the audience to take the trope at face value.

"Maybe I should have tone it down with the Axe."

Sentence is worded confusingly. Rewrite it.

I don't really understand the fast acting friendship between Genji and Gabrielle. They met because she was exposing everyone in the hallway to her makeshift cigarette -- one with a component of ammonia, no less -- and then she wants his name to be his friend? He said he wasn't a nark, but he clearly wasn't impressed with the fact she was smoking in the halls. Rules against smoking aren't put there for no good reason. Smoking can seriously endanger someone's life -- like, some asthmatics can go into asthma attacks if exposed to smoke. She, quite literally, can be risking someone's life in the name of rebellion.

If you want to show Gabrielle rebelling against the rules, then have her break dress code or something that doesn't literally play with peoples' health. Right now, she's not endearing nor is she someone I'm rooting for as a reader.

I arrived seconds later as I stood at the school’s front entrance[...]

Why can't he just teleport into the school? It seems like a lot more hassle to have him teleport outside of the school and climb into a window.

Alright, that's all of the criticism I have for now. I'm a big fan of superhero stories and stories that involve magic, so this is fairly interesting. I do hope that you keep on writing!

-E




kman134 says...


It explains why he doesn%u2019t teleport in chapter 1



kman134 says...


Gabrielle is actually smoking outside. Also, ammonia is actually used in cigarettes as a binding agent for nicotine.



kman134 says...


There is a reason why Claire is accomplishing a lot of these jobs and hadn't suffered a mental breakdown yet, but I'm going to explain that in future chapters.



kman134 says...


Also, how do we know that Claire isn't tearing at the seams? What if she is slightly neurotic and is using God as a coping mechanism? This is only in Genji's POV. so, he doesn't know.



Evander says...


For teleportation: I've read the first chapter twice and I still don't understand why he couldn't just teleport into the school. If he has to do it when no one is around, then why couldn't he just teleport into the bathroom or a supply closet?

I will admit, it's my bad about missing the fact that Gabrielle is smoking outside. However, I will say this, I've been around ammonia in my life and I've been around cigarettes; I've never been able to discern the smell of ammonia from cigarettes before. Ammonia is... really strong. I can link to you videos of people passed out dead drunk, unable to be awoken, being woken up by ammonia capsules.

I've re-clarified with my dad who is a medical professional. It really seems like if the ammonia is strong enough to be discernible, then it's probably too strong to smoke.

I will admit, we don't know if Claire is tearing at the seams or not, but I still think that my original criticism stands. Direct acknowledgment of tropes are a tricky thing to navigate, because they directly bring whatever is mentioned to the forefront. Perhaps I'm wrong and other readers won't take issue with it.

Thanks for responding!



kman134 says...


It's because Genji doesn't want to waste too much stamina. so, instead, he uses enough to get close to the school and hoped that there is still a way in.

That's why Gabrielle only uses a drop of it for her cigarettes. however, the smell tends to linger in the cigarette, which makes it smell bad.



kman134 says...


Sorry if I seem confrontational. I'm just getting sick and tired of people not reading my stories in order and start making comments about things they didn't get, or things that aren't even in the story.



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Sat Feb 03, 2018 5:39 pm
Shady wrote a review...



Hey kman,

Shady here with a review to rescue your story from the Green Room ;)

I quickly broke away from her and ran to the other side of the school. “I’ll catch up with you in a little while.”


Minor nitpick, but if he just ran to the other side of the school how are they still speaking to each other?

Leaning against a wall was a young woman about my age with a cigarette in hand as she inhaled and puffed out rings of smoke.


So... is she inside or outside the school? It's not entirely clear. His lie about needing to go to the bathroom makes it seem like she's inside (because why would he run outside after saying he needed the bathroom), but that also doesn't make sense. You'd have to be pretty stupid to be smoking inside. Maybe make the setting a bit clearer?

“G-glad to hear that. M-my name is Genji Sato and it’s a p-pleasure to make you’re a-acquaintance.”


Why does he stutter so much? It seems like he doesn't do it all the time, so it appears not to be a consistent thing. But he seems to do it a lot if he doesn't have an actual stutter.

That still didn’t make things better as it just made the blonde girl more persistent. Near the end of homeroom, she kept pushing me to join her club, so that she could “save my soul” and “accept Jesus as our lord and savior.” Who would’ve thought a cute girl with a nice body would turn out to be a religious fundamentalist.


This is 100% a personal critique and you can feel free to disregard it. This is your story and therefore your decision -- however, I feel like I should warn you about how you portray religion in your story. I'm guessing you're an agnostic yourself and have had bad experiences with Christians.

However, you are very much making it sound like being a Christian means you're a pushy jerk. And the last sentence ("Who would've thought... religious fundamentalist") makes it sound like cute girls can't be religious. As a Christian myself, I found this portrayal a bit insulting. Yes, I want to share my faith with others -- but I don't push it down anyone's throat, and the vast majority of Christians also don't. You wouldn't want people to judge you based on their experience with one or a few other people who identified with the belief system you do, so I think it's just basic courtesy to do the same for others.

Again, your story so it's your choice. I'm not telling you to change it -- but it did put me off a bit. I'm enjoying the story so far, but this makes me less inclined to keep reading because I'm not interested in novels that just want to rip into Christians and mock them for being naive and stupid. Just so you know~

For an emo girl, she was very social.


This is another example of the stereotypes rampant in your story. I get that they are largely propagated stereotypes, but I really think your story would be stronger if you strayed away from them a bit more. You should own your story -- make it your own. Don't limit yourself by fitting into the worn-out stereotypes of TV shows and such.

“You know, you are the first person in this whole school who hasn’t asked for something or tried to convert me into their religion.”


Who asked him for something? The only details you really gave us about his day so far was meeting Gabrielle for the first time, then meeting Claire, and now he's back with Gabrielle. He sounds like a bit of a drama queen with this statement, since you haven't shown him being bombarded with requests.

To her, it was like conversing with her girlfriends and her laidback demeanor is proof of that.


How is her being laid back proof that she was acting like she did when she was conversing with her girlfriends? I just don't understand the connection there.

“Genji. It’s already 5:30 in the evening.


How is already 5:30 in the evening? You said Uncle Josh picked them up right at 3, and that Genji walked straight upstairs (and that Rose came in just after that). So unless they live 2.5 hours from school, which doesn't seem likely, I don't understand where the time went.

Then my prayers had been answered.


I thought he was agnostic? Who is he praying to?

It was the same feeling from earlier, except that it was much stronger and more ominous. I twirled around and faced the hallway. Lurking in the darkness were shadowy figures that crawled out through the hall and approached me as they slinked in a decrepit manner. I was taken aback, moving away while my face contorted in surprise.


Ooh, this is exciting! The action is heating up. Nice cliffhanger!

~ ~ ~

Okay! Overall, I think you have a good story here. You have a decent number of cliches and some of the characters are pretty flat, but you're only on chapter two so you have plenty of time to work on that! I think you've got a good story idea and the potential to make this into a really interesting work!

Hope this helps!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




kman134 says...


Just because he's agnostic, doesn't mean he doesn't believe in God.



kman134 says...


Also, sorry if I offended you with Claire, but she's based on several people I had to deal with being the only few non-christians in High School in a predominantly christian community.



kman134 says...


Also, I have nothing against christians in general. Just fundamentalists.



kman134 says...


There are going to be other christian characters who aren't like Claire in that they don't force their beliefs down people's throats and are smart and tolerable.



Shady says...


Okay :) No worries. It takes a lot more than a story to hurt my feelings, and I'm happy to hear that you're going to give Christians a fairer portrayal in later chapters. And I do get that some Christians can have a bit of trouble with respecting boundaries.

I was just saying that having your very first Christian being a pushy idiot doesn't make it seem like Christians are going to be written in a positive light in your book. Which again is fine, it's your story so it's your choice. I just didn't want you to accidentally lose a demographic of readers by having such a negative portrayal of Christians so early in your book. Do with that information what you will :) No worries either way.



kman134 says...


thanks.



Shady says...


^-^



kman134 says...


chapter 3 has been published



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Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:24 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review this Review Day.

This is really good so far. Your narration is smooth and very easy to read, and you do a good job of balancing description and dialogue as well as showing who each of the characters are - I feel like I can picture each of them and their mannerisms very well.

I think the main thing you could do to make this more gripping is dig into possible sources of conflict rather than skimming over them. In particular, I think you should actually expand his confrontation with Clair. Because although you say she winds up being very annoying and hostile trying to get him to join her Bible Club, we only see the beginning of the exchange when she's actually quite polite - we don't get to see her nasty side, so later when the other characters complain about her, it feels like they're being unfair because we haven't seen how bad she can get. It also robs us of the opportunity to see exactly how your main character will react in an uncomfortable situation like that.

So, after swallowing the lump in my throat, I told her everything about myself and, in return, she told me about herself.

First off, this is hyperbole and is kind of weird to read - normally people don't tell each other *everything* about themselves. They just wouldn't have time at that first meeting. So what kind of "everything"? You're missing an opportunity here to develop both of their characters further by showing what they talk about. Although you do it a bit when they talk about liking AC/DC, I think you could expand their conversation more.

She chuckled while waving a hand nonchalant. To her, it was like conversing with her girlfriends and her ecstatic demeanor is proof of that.

I really didn't understand these two sentences. Did you mean that she talks to him the same way she talks to her girlfriends, really excitedly?

Finally, I thought the last line was a little cheesy - mostly I think he wouldn't actually say that out loud, since he's too busy trying to run.

On the whole, I thought this was a pretty great chapter, with well-developed characters and a world that's easy to slide into. Good luck with this, and keep writing!




kman134 says...


Yeah, Claire is based on a high school friend, Megan Welsh, and others who are members of the Bible club who, although they were polite, they were annoyingly persistent as they tried to force their religion on me.

I wanted Claire to be as nice and polite while being a little annoying and persistent when trying to "save" people. kind of like Marianne from Easy A but less of a bitch.



kman134 says...


chapter 3 has been published.




Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.
— Ron, Parks & Rec