Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Watching the autumn leaves fall, I remember a time in my youth where I would have pounced at them without thought or worry. But now, they only signal the coming of winter, this of which, my trials will begin. In the colony of thorns, every cat, once they reach 2 years, must forgo a set of trials. Once passing all of them, they are welcomed to stay in the colony, having an abundance of food, shelter, and safety. If one were to fail these tests, they would be damned to “the outside”, a place above these cement and metal walls which protect us, a place where mutilated beasts ravage, and mysterious air chokes out any life that it did not raise. Deep in my thoughts, I almost miss the sudden outburst,
“Florian, watch out!” I turn too little, too late, and am met with a kick, as Cherry uses my conveniently placed face as a launch, chasing one of the leaves. Having missed its descent regardless, she turns back towards me and my mud-splattered muzzle. “Whoops. sorry, but I did warn ya.” Cherry is only half a year old, so she has no concern over her trials, which will take place in spring anyhow.
“Cherry, be careful! I’m trying to find prey." One of my tests will be to bring back enough food for all of the colony of Thorns to eat a piece each, and when hunting party volunteers were called for, I grabbed at the chance for practice.
“Find prey? It's practically everywhere, you barely even have to look!” She had always been gifted at hunting, a skill that would greatly help her during her trials. But one that I, myself, did not have.
“Good for you, that you ‘barely have to look’, but for us normal cats, it's a bit harder. Besides, I'm practicing.” I can see her tail droop sadly from my commentary, and almost regret being so harsh, but then I remember why I'm this way with her as, not a moment later, it rises again, accompanying a puzzled expression, as she processes the rest of my statement.
“Wait, practice? For what?” dumbass, of course she’d forget.
“For my trials, remember? The ones that will cause my death if I fail?”
“oh.. sorry. You should.. Get back to that then.” This time, I do regret it, deeply, as she melts a little, remembering the weight of my situation, and pads off to another section of the sewer. Luckily, I manage to concentrate a little, and catch 3 mice and a rat, before returning to camp, and going to bed.
Today, my first trial will take place, in the north east side of the sewers, a section that is only hunted in during times of necessity, and, of course, trials. My task will be to bring back enough prey for all twelve members of the colony of thorns. Most prey will count as one each, except for rats, counting as two. I will have from sun up to sun down to hunt and come back. I run the rules through my head as many times as possible as I wait for the dismissal, delivered by our leader, Zephyr. With me are 2 others, Akira, and Cherry’s older sister, Cairo.
“Go now! Catch as much as you can, but be back before sun down!” Zephyr’s words shock my anxious paws into a dash, and I hurry for the nearest jungle of plants, looking for scents, movement, or anything else that might give away the spot of hiding prey. Within moments, I catch sight of a rat, huge teeth, but even bigger food opportunity. I jump at it, landing on its back, before biting as hard as I can into its neck. It tries to bite me, but eventually stops moving all together. Two fed, 10 to go.
Soon, I've managed to catch six mice, and two skinks, leaving them with scouts, who will help us carry all of it back. Now, I just have two more cats to feed. A rat, or a couple of other prey, will do well, but now it's almost sundown, I only have an hour left, and camp is half an hour away. Like a blessing, I catch scent of a rat, and following its trail, I find it, and akira, fighting. Akira looks badly injured, the rat clinging on to her back, scraping and biting, while she tries to shake it off. I pounce, grabbing the rat by its scruff and hauling it off, before finishing it. Akira is bleeding, everywhere. She can barely stand, swaying and stumbling. She’ll never make it back by herself.
“Help me, Florian. Please. This was my last piece. If I just get back to the scouts..” wait a minute.
“Your piece? I killed it.”
“what..? Florian, it was mine. It was mine! You know I won't be able to catch another!” with the way she looks at me, i know she can see my thoughts in my head. “Florian, please. Help me get back, give me the rat.” but she knows it's over. I need to win, and she’ll probably die anyway. As I grab the rat, she tries to stop me, but can only stumble and fall. I return to camp just before sun down, with Cairo already sitting proudly upon her pile, mostly rats, and more prey than necessary.
“Where's Akira? Did you see her? Is she far behind you?” Akira’s mother, Ferret, bombards me with questions, and I have to look away, fearing she’ll see what I did in my eyes.
“I.. haven't seen her.” I lie. Ferret goes back to the entrance, watching anxiously.
“Good job, you two.” I jump as behind me, Zephyr pads up proudly, as if it was him who caught all the prey. Him who fed the colony. HIM who had to choose between death of himself or another! “Cairo, you especially have done just.. Exceptional.” She looked up to Zephyr, always had. She’d probably kill the entire colony if it appeased him. And, as was probably his intention, she was now glowing, just enough to bait her into committing whatever ethical crimes he wished. “And you, Florian, have.. Completed the task aswell.” was that.. Displease, in his voice? Whatever, I passed my trial, whether he likes it or not.
Today, our trial will be to complete a course. Spanning three different sections, with three different obstacles, we must finish, winding up near the back entrance of camp, by mid sun. Glass above our heads shows an already blueing sky, meaning we’ll have only a few hours. This time, Cherry has come to cheer us on as we begin. “Come on, guys! I'm sure you'll both do sooo well, you'll be back by the hour!” While it helps to have her cheer me on, almost giving me the hope that I will, in fact, succeed, my mind will not allow me the same childish disillusion that hers does. Zephyr sits up, getting ready to send us off.
“Ready.. Set.. GO!” As we set off, I see, ahead of us, a sheer cliff, with few paw holds to aid scaling it. Made of metal too strong to pierce with claws, once I come upon it, my only option is to find what pawholds I can. Climbing up a few small pipes, so rickety I can only picture my fall, I make my way half up the wall. I turn briefly, to see Cairo, already there, and climbing faster. As she reaches the three-quarter spot, and I reach half, she loses her grip, and slips down, towards me. I somehow manage to catch her, by the scruff, and she glares at me while finding pawholds and continues. Moments later, she finishes the wall, me coming up after.
We race to the next section, and I hear water flowing. Just as we turn, we see it. A massive, seething river, meters thick.
“Shit..” for once, Cairo looks as worried as I do.
“Ok.. we can do this.. Just let me look around..” I walk up to the river bank, looking for any means of crossing, when at the end, I spot a log, stretching halfway across. “If we can just cross along that log, maybe we can jump the rest of the way?” but immediately, Cairo spits at my idea
“JUMP?! Are you STUPID?! That's at least five feet!”
“well,” I retort, “do you have a better idea?” After a moment of thought, looking desperately for another way, she shakes her head. Cautiously, we jump on the log, padding across it like it's covered in venomous spiders. As we reach the end, me in front, she backs up to give me space for a head start. I can’t do this. I just can't. I'm gonna die. But I'll die if I go back, so I clear my head, forcing my limbs to move as if this all were just solid ground, and I jump.
At first, I think I’m gonna make it. I see the far bank rushing towards my paws, and I have hope. But then, I crash into the water. Cold, fast, it pulls me around like some ragdoll. Before I know it, my head is under water, and I have no air in my lungs. I'm going to drown. But just as I accept my fate, I feel a different tug. Instead of the swirling mess around me, it's concentrated, at my scruff. Instead of down, it pulls me up, out of the water, and on to the shore. I open my eyes, stinging from the dirty water, and see Cairo standing above me.
“Get up. We need to keep going.” After a moment of rest, a moment of me trying to convince myself that I really am still alive, we continue to the next challenge.
A gaping darkness consumes the ground in front of us. A sheer drop, the entire width of the room. We can see the back entrance to the camp just in front of it. “Just one more challenge, come on.” I walk carefully to the edge, looking around for a place to cross. The only disruptions in the darkness are a few platforms, deep into the hole. Following their trail with my eyes, I see that they lead to the other edge, where a trail leads back up to the camp. “See those?” I wave my tail at the platforms as Cairo walks up beside me. “We can use those to cross.”
“ok..” though i can see her uncertainty, she knows as well as i do that this is the only way. Again, I go first, leaping down to the first platform, which wobbles despairingly when it feels my weight.
“Wait!” I tell Cairo. “I don't think these things can hold both of us at a time..” she looks displeased, but nods. I jump to the next one, feeling it shift permanently, worse than the last. Cairo, gaining the chance, jumps on to the first platform. Now, it's time for the last. As I walk to the edge, suddenly, I feel the platform scream, and see Cairo speed past me, now at the edge of our platform. “Cairo..? Why..?” Is she mad? She's going to kill me!
“Listen, Florian.” she begins. “Only one of us is going to make it back. Zephyr.. told me. He said only one of us could. I'm sorry, Florian, I really am, but that's going to be me.”
“Cairo.. You saved me earlier. Why now?”
“ I.. don’t know. Maybe I wanted to give you hope, maybe I was too scared to watch you die then, maybe I still thought we had a chance, but that doesn't matter now. I’m going to win.” Cairo spins, leaping off the platform as it shifts, hard. But.. she misses. She screeches, falling into the abyss, which must be deeper than possible, as her screams seem to go on forever, and the end of her fall is never heard. My turn. I walk up to the edge of the platform carefully, as it is now at a steep angle, take a running start, close my eyes, and leap.
I feel myself slam into cold, hard metal. The platform behind me finally falls into the abyss. I made it! I get up, walk to the edge, and take the final, short jump to the far cliff. Walking up the path, and into camp, I see everyone else stare at me. “Where’s Cairo?” I hear from at least 3 cats, simultaneously. One is Zephyr, looking more than disappointed, and another is.. Cherry. She looks like she could collapse from sadness at any moment. “Where’s.. Cairo?? Where’s MY SISTER?!”
“Cherry..” I can't tell her. I just can't. It'd break her, knowing what exactly happened.
“Yes.. Florian. Where is Cairo?” focusing on Cherry, I didn't notice Zephyr, inching up to me with a look of fury.
“WHERE IS SHE?! Did you KILL HER?”
“no.. of course not, Zephyr, I would never hurt her, or anyone in the colony.”
“Then WHERE IS SHE?”
“shes.. Gone.” I expect Zephyr to swipe at me, to claw me, maybe even to kill me, right then and there, but instead, he whisks around, and stomps off towards his sleeping quarters. Over his shoulder, he tosses,
“your final trial is tomorrow.”
In the colony, we cannot grow in numbers. We cannot sustain many in these sewers. For this reason, the final trial is to fight a member, to the death. I stand in the center of camp, awaiting the reveal of my sparring partner. Nobody, not even them themselves, knows who it will be until the fight begins. Zephyr stands tall, on a slab of concrete above all else. He will decide, here and now. “The fighter will be..” he pauses, for dramatic effect, as if this is some show, rather than real life. “..Cherry.”
“WHAT?!” I can't believe my ears. “Cherry is a CHILD! She's not even a member yet! This is against the rules!”
“SILENCE.” Zephyr demands. “The reason for this trial is to keep population control. A battle between you and Cherry will fulfill this. Now, Cherry, step up and the fight will begin.” I can see Cherry staring at me, through the crowd. First, she looks frightened, but then her face settles into cruel determination.
She steps up towards me, others clearing out around her. “Cherry, what are you doing? I’m not fighting you.”
“Yes you are. You said it yourself, you have to be a member, so become one.” I've gotten so far. two of my fellow colonists have died, just to get me where I am now. Am I really going to waste that? “Hurry up and do it already, Florian.” Is she taunting me? “I said DO IT! You killed my sister, so you'll have no trouble finishing me off too.”
“what? Cherry, I didn'tkill her.” she spits at me.
“THATS A LIE! A DAMN LIE, AND WE ALL KNOW IT!” she pauses, before whimpering, "I heard her. We all heard her. So just finish your trials and win your stupid game.” She heard that? She’s just a child, and already she's gone through so much.. I make my decision. Stalking forward, I prepare to jump. I unsheathe my claws. I have to win. I can see the look of horror on Cherry's face as I pounce. I land on the back of my opponent and start clawing, as hard and fast as I can, as tufts of his orange fur fly up around us.
Zephyr shrieks, from surprise or from agony, and takes a second trying to process what's happening, before shaking me off and slashing for my throat. I hop back, but he follows, pinning me to the ground. I kick as hard as I can, while rolling over myself to protect my stomach, and feel my back paws meet Zephyr's chin. A giant pop is heard, as Zephyr’s head turns up at a horribly unnatural angle, and he falls down, dead.
“Zephyr!” The crowd is in shock. Cherry stalks up to us.
“You.. killed him! Our leader is dead!”
“Well, according to the rules, my trial is to kill one colony member, which I did. If you count, then surely he does too.” Some agree with my logic, some don't. All over the colony, I hear the murmurs of a thousand thoughts. But everyone is in agreement. I have passed my trial, and therefore have the right to stay in the colony.
DISCLAIMER:
The story ends here. The rest is extra information.
Cats of the Colony of Thorns
Florian: lithe, black, shorthair tom | Cherry: small, fluffy, dark ginger molly
Akira: medium, silver tabby, longhair molly | Cairo: small, tortoiseshell, shorthair molly
Ferret: large, dark ginger tabby, long hair queen | Zephyr: large, orange tabby, longhair tom
Fern: medium, dark grey, shorthair tom | Raven: small, tuxedo, shorthair tom
Casilla (“k-ah-see-ya”): large, brown tabby, longhair molly | Frog: small, black, shorthair queen
Onyx: small, fluffy, orange tom | Ambrose: large, dark ginger, longhair queen
(Tom: male cat | Molly: female cat | Queen: female cat with offspring)
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The Day the World Ends, the newest book in this series, about the beginning of the apocalypse, is out!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Florian is a cat who is two years old (but fifteen in human years) and he must undergo grueling trials to survive along with two other cats, Akira and Cairo. Florian will do anything to save himself…even if it hurts others.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that the pacing could slow down a bit for the story, but that’s just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love that there isn’t really a clear “good” character in this story, it’s mostly about cats trying to take what they want to survive. The only two cats I really felt bad for was Akira, who only wanted Florian to help her and Cherry, who lost her sister to the challenge…but mostly to Florian. I think that my favorite part was when Florian is all scared that Cairo is going to betray him, because he’s acting like he didn’t do the same thing to Akira lol. I also like how Cherry is just an innocent young cat who is a little bit mischievous, that makes me all the more sad that she’s had to grow up so quickly….
Closing Graham Cracker - I know you said this was going to be the only short story, but I’m wondering if you’ll continue this world. If you do, I’ll check it out, because this was a very interesting read and I would love to learn more about the cat colonies! Now, I wonder if Cairo and Akira are actually dead…or just outside…I guess I’ll be left wondering and so…
I wish you a terrific day/night! ^v^
Thank you for reviewing! Yes, there will for sure be more stories for this world, especially the beginning of the apocalypse and of the colony, but for now I'm still writing them
Cool ^v^
What an interesting story!! The setting alone, but also the writing, was engaging for me to enjoy a creative piece like this. The humanization of these animals is done quite well as it's easy not to forget their animal instincts, body, and behaviors. The characters, particularly our protagonist, Cairo, and Zephyr, were interesting, especially seeing how both the protagonist Florian & Cairo navigated through the trials. They're all a conditioned to this toxic environment, and it definitely shows through the characters—even our protagonist, who may have sliver moments of showing they have the capability to have compassion and think, ultimately leans towards being morally wrong.
Florian is (supposedly) the underdog protagonist who is a "disappointment" and demeaned by those presumed to be stronger than him, and may be conditioned to a harmful environment and set of beliefs that come with it, but in the end isn't fully corrupted and have potential to be good and probably even has a good heart! However, it turns out that's not completely the case, while remaining to have a few good moral thoughts, and it's hard to even root for them alongside a few other characters here. Which is always a refreshing to come across!
One example of a good act is Cairo saving Florian, which is definitely something to think about. Even Cairo doesn't know why she save him. Earlier, we see their dynamic; which mainly relies on Florian's perspectives that contain these—as we assume—one-sided, negative thoughts about her. Though despite all, they're familiar with their presence. Some sense of closeness formed. Perhaps that's why Cairo saved him.. though of course, in the end she couldn't help herself but not get out of the habit of following Zephyr. Still, I think this action really means a lot and makes you wonder of potential good more characters could do!
While Zephyr's life was cut short, I did get curious about him. His reaction towards Cairo's fate can be interpreted as a result of having some kind of care—a twisted kind distorted by him find most value in power and superiority—towards her. The way he began to speak as if "this is some show, rather than real life" in contrast to his earlier speech that don't have that tone come across as he upped up the drama and exaggeration to hide his underlying, huge amounts of disappointment and rage. It's interesting to think about, especially with the little content we have of him. That's just a minor interpretation!!
I did like that in the end of the day, Florian managed to direct his anger to the right person. From that, it's interesting to think about how his and Cherry's dynamic will develop, knowing he willingly chose to not harm her. Also how others in the colony will respond to him because of his very conflicting actions that manages to challenge but also reinforce the toxic beliefs ingrained in this colony at once (refusing to attack Cherry, but ultimately fighting for his place in the colony).
Onto a concern I do have; it's about the writing. While the writing is engaging enough already, I did notice a few things that may disrupt the flow of reading this. First off, at times I feel there are too many commas, when those commas could be replaced by an em dash, semi-colon, or a period stop, or could just be erased. A small example would be the quote: "my trials will begin. In the colony of thorns, every cat, once they reach 2 years, must forgo a set of trials". There could be less commas here or a semi-colon before and after the "once they reach 2 years" mention. However, I did feel that the more I read towards the end, the more the commas felt more in place.
I also found a few mistakes, such as the lack of capitalization when it should be there. Another mistake was two words being combined with each other. Examples here:
I also found the words and lines written in all capitalization a bit jarring! I feel the impact of those words and lines could be given emphasis by italics, or by being in its standard format and capitalization (well, basically without using all capitalization).
Other than those concerns, this was great! It was fascinating reading this!! Keep writing!!
Thank you for reviewing! First of all, yes, i do love morally confused characters. I wanted my story to be a darker tone, while having characters who were brought up in a tough, survival of the fittest type environment. I also wanted the reader to see Florian's intense moral struggle, having to decide between the life of himself or others. He does feel very bad being at fault for all three deaths, but in his mind, there was no other way.
Next, i think why Cairo saved Florian was a quick act, she was already there, and had an abrupt impulse. While she cares about her well being much more than that of others, she has a good side two, as well as not wanting to watch another colonist, or even another cat in general, die.
About Zephyr, he is definitely the main villain, but he has some good too! (though very little) one of his priorities is ensuring the safety of the colony as their leader. He also grew up in this barren setting, and is more prone to extreme measures, really an "ends justify the means" character. We will probably see him again, in another story about the past of the colony, but its no where near ready to publish. He did care about Cairo quite a bit, but like 60% of why was probably because she was a good asset, willing to follow him. One of his main priorities being the colony, when he speaks "as if this was some kind of game, not real life", he's really trying to rally the colonists, making this literal battle to the death seem more lighthearted, less morally wrong, and he's probably trying to convince himself of this too. A lot has gone wrong in his life, both as a leader and before, and he does have a lot of built up rage, as well as immense fear for the colony's safety.
I will also say that Florian and Cherry will always only be best friends, or at least for a while, as Florian is (in human years) like 15? And Cherry is around 7. Many of the cats of the colony thought it wrong, or at least odd that Zephyr would pit a kitten like Cherry with Florian, who is trained in combat, and is a good bit larger than her, and some of the colonists did dislike the colony's trials, as well as Zephyr in general. Really, Cairo was his biggest follower.
Another thing, the part where i put full cap sentences was to show that he was yelling. In many other parts, i did use italics, but i felt it might mess with the interpretation if one part sounded so different from another, but both were specialized in the same way. Also, Zephyr's fit is kind of meant to be a bit jarring, as it was to Florian.
Finally, yes, i do use a lot of commas, as well as missing capitalization and spaces. In most of these bits you point out, i do agree that there are lots of commas, but i couldn't think of anything better to put. As for my missing capitals and space, I've always had a problem with those, and remembering which word pairs have spaces and which don't, although some were typos, but i am trying to fix these, and hopefully they wont be in my future writings!
Hello!! You're welcome!! I really appreciate that you gave more information and insight in your reply!!
This is a really great description of what goes behind Zephyr's shift. While I'm glad that my review comment pointed out this built up rage, I definitely didn't point out the other complexities of his drastic tone shift - the one thing I definitely pick up is this "immense fear" for the colony's safety!
I get the intentions behind using all capitalization sentences, and I'm not saying that the content itself is jarring when I comment on the all capitalization. Also, it's a valid thought that using italics didn't convey your intentions properly or mess up with interpretations, especially since that way of emphasis is a very delicate tool to the point it can easily come across as flimsy or wrong for the tone (which is why they should be used sparingly). I'm saying that it definitely isn't necessary to use capitalization as a way to convey the yelling, when using the standard way of capitalization can do that already. Even more-so considering that all capitalization has the tendency to disrupt reading- not in the way that the authors intends it to, but in the way that is odd to engage with (even-more so that sometimes, all capitalization can affect some people's readability).
Of course, it's your choice to do whatever you think is best and it's not like you're a professional, so those standards don't have to heavily apply to you. It's just a suggestion from me, since I feel it's a good reminder that text can always convey that aggressive, loud tone without all-capitalization! Extending descriptions and dialogue tags can do so much for the tone!
It's fine you couldn't think of anything else- just be careful with the commas when you write! And don't stress too much about the typos and all, it happens (even in published work)!! Keep writing!!
"- the one thing I didn't definitely pick up is this "immense fear" for the colony's safety!" is what i meant.
Hi! no problem, I kind of wanted to go on a rant about these characters anyways lol. the more rebellious characters weren't really mentioned or hinted at in the story, no, but I do feel like the average cat would be able to tell this was wrong, and there are usually rebels in a group.
Also, i get what you mean that all caps can disrupt readers, and that there are better ways, so ill try to find a better way to convey more intense dialogue for the future!