Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
CHAPTER 6: A NEW LIFE
It's been 2 months since I arrived here. The lab, my home now, is getting full. while there are many rooms, one is for the cats, one is for herbivores, one is for the dog, and one is Onyx's room. Since I first got here, me, 5, and a new cat, a black molly, 21, have survived. as for the rabbits and dog, we haven't seen them since they made it out of the sick room. Sometimes, I can hear the dog barking. He's very loud. Right now, I can hear Onyx, walking towards our room.
i walk up to the door, meeting him there as he opens it. "17! are you hungry?" Yes! He sets down a bowl of kibble for us. Life has.. actually been pretty good here. Onyx is nice to us, he feeds us. Even if he gives us those dreadful shots sometimes.
I do still miss my family though. when will i finally be good enough to see them again? I'm sure Tyra can't wait to see me. Her, mom, and dad probably all miss me, and i miss them too. maybe they'll even meet 5 and 21! And we can all be friends!
5 tells me that he's never had a family. I almost can't imagine how lonely that must be. he says he never had friends, never knew if he would eat that day, never knew if he would even make it to the next.
he comes up next to me, tenderly taking one piece of kibble at a time, sniffing each one, as though he thinks they're poisoned. "Hey, 5! Aren't you hungry? You're barely eating." "No, son. I'm perfectly fine. You and 21 fill your bellies, don't worry about me."
21! Where is she? "Do you know where 21 is?" I ask him, but he shakes his head. "Last I saw, the human took her. Left the room with her." "What? Why didn't you say anything?" "I dunno, didn't think it necessary i guess."
Shit. what did Onyx do with 21? The room we're in is plain, with nothing but food and small pillows for us to sleep on. Most walls are the same, except 1 which consists mainly of a window, peering into the sick room.
Looking through, I can't see her. I must have been asleep, recovering when he took her. Even though we haven't felt sickness from outside since we got here, Onyx gives us the shots every few days, and they never get any better.
"Do you know when he took her?" After thinking for a minute, 5 replies, "Yeah, think it was after her shot? Yeah, she had a bad reaction, well, worse than usual anyway." oh no. is she dead? please don't be dead, 21..
Just as i start to spiral, Onyx returns, holding a carrier. 21! He sets it down, taking her out and setting her on a pillow. She's passed out, her leg is wrapped up in a sort of paper. Even under it, I can see that it's bent at an odd angle. She must have broken it when she was seizing from the shots.
CHAPTER 7: BACKSTORIES
"So, 21, what was you're life like before the world shook?" we're all gathered around 21. she's just woken up, complaining about leg pain, and me and 5 are trying to entertain her. "Well, i spent most of it with my family. I had a sister, and a mom and dad. I know mom and dad wanted children that were humans, like them, but they never got any. I could always smell something with dad, and i think that's why they didn't."
"I remember that mom's name was lucy, and dad's was john. my sister's was Rocky. She was older than me, but she was nice." names? the only names i knew were Tyra's and mine. "What.. was your name?" 21 seems shocked by my question, but after a moment she answers.
"Frog.. what about you?" "My name was Otto, what about you, 5?" "My real name's Fern. Didn't get it from no human though." that's interesting, I've never met a cat who wasn't names by a human. "Where'd you get it then?"
"Well, when I was real young, just a kit, my mama disappeared. me n' my siblings tried our best to take care of ourselves, but it was a harsh winter now, and we weren't the only ones trying to eat, n' we for sure weren't the biggest nor meanest. all my siblings died, near followed myself, 'til he came. Big ragged old guy, named Faang. He took me under his wing, raised me, taught me how to fight, and gave me my name. course, eventually, his years caught up to him.."
oh, wow. that must be horrible, losing his whole family. "I'm so sorry you lost you family so young, and even Faang later." he looks at me, shocked. "Now son, i do miss my mama and siblings sometimes, but they weren't my family. Faang was closest as anyone could get. Now don't forget that family ain't who you're born with, its who you're given."
Really? I mean, i guess that makes sense, my mom and dad didn't birth me, after all. "Yes sir."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,269 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Otto is closer to Fern and Frog, although he still misses his family and worries about the other animals. Onyx is nice, but he gives out those painful shots and just why is he keeping them all locked up for test subjects? Otto might find out soon.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how different Otto, Fern, and Frog are when they talk to each other, it shows how different things affected them in life and their different personalities! I also have to ask…is Fern the same cat as the Fern from the other story? Or are they related? Hmm…I like that Otto is more comfortable with the other animals but still misses his family. He’s really sweet. ^v^
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very lovely chapter on how family is whoever is closer to you, I like Fern’s message! I hope that Otto will be able to see his family again, but I’m not sure that’s going to happen. I’ve enjoyed reading this and I’ll look out for the next chapter, so…
I wish you a magical day/night! ^v^
Hiya kittycursed! I'm Rox and I'm here with a review for your chapter!
There are a few characters talking here and it took me a moment to figure out who. Try writing the dialogues below each other to make it more clear or add extra descriptions of who exactly said that (said Otto, Fern remarked, etc)I haven't fully read all your chapters yet, but I skimmed them and I love that this novel is something of a sci-fi and horror mix. It seems pretty cool! The first thing I noticed was that the main characters aren't actually human if I read that correctly? It's a new take to read the end of the world "through the perspective" of animals that previously had human "friends"/owners. Giving the characters numbers at first and then names is a fascinating part of the story, it adds that sci-fi element. That, however, also makes it somewhat confusing at times to understand which character we're talking about. I would suggest adding a few lines to clarify that.
Furthermore, quite a few of your sentences don't start with a capital letter, I'd recommend changing that to ensure a smoother read. I think Chapter 6 was a pretty solid chapter, but it seems to consist of mostly dialogues and the names. Since this is a sci-fi and horror story more descriptions about the setting, the characters, the world in general and how we can see that it is actually "ending" would be great, especially since it's a new version or changed version of the world. As a reader I'd love to see more of it.
Another suggestion is breaking up some paragraphs with dialogues only, like this one for instance
Here's an edited version:
Finally, is it too soon to say that Fern is my favourite character? XD I love his unique way of talking and the hint of brutal honesty that he has when talking, as if he's seen the deepest darkest corners of the earth but is still going strong to face the end of the world. I wonder if we get to see flashbacks of Faang in other chapters or more information, he seems like an interesting part of the story as well.
That's it, that's all.
Keep on writing!
Cheers,
Roxanne
Fellow Fern enjoyer, I see =D
thanks for reviewing! and ngl, Fern is my favourite character too lol
You're welcome! And yesss xD
Green Room sorting is, as always, working exactly as intended. No worries @.@
Alrighty, will do the last chapter in this folder too, so here goes 😊
Last time in “kitty is left behind in the apocalypse”: medical tests, dying animals and a disillusioned senior. And now?
Oh boy, already 2 months passing?? And we are starting with a small mistake: “is getting full. while there are many” forgot the capitalisation for “while”. You have a few of these typos, so maybe you want to read over this carefully again to catch them all.
This sentence is incredibly hard to read bc of all the commas: “Since I first got here, me, 5, and a new cat, a black molly, 21, have survived” Maybe if you were to spread out your descriptions a bit more, you wouldn’t have to place them all in the same sentence.
I’m surprised that 5 is still talking to our MC. From last chapter, he seemed so antagonistic. I guess realising how young the narrator is made him change his tune?
Oh, I’m surprised that 5 knows 21 was taken but somehow the MC missed that.
Ah, quick writing tip: It’s generally more…immersive if you write out numbers. I’m not talking about the cat’s names. I mean it in sentences like this one: “except 1 which consists”. Don’t you agree that “except one which consists” looks nicer?
You didn’t really give us any time with 21. We know nothing about her so when MC goes “oh no pls don’t be dead” I don’t really care. We also didn’t see him bond with her. Feels a bit like a missed opportunity ☹
Ah well, guess we are getting some backstories now =D
Oh I rly like this: “Didn't get it from no human though." I think Fern might be my favourite. He seems sensible.
I don’t rly like the way you showed 21’s backstory. It didn’t… Hm. I wasn’t very engaged because it was just a list of names. Maybe if you interspersed it with reactions from the other cats, more reactions, it would have worked better?
thanks for reviewing! about 5, he was mean to Otto because he tries to be tough, he had a hard life, and he's learned not to let anyone near, but he knows that otto is only a child now, and he's a softie at heart