I saw him in his light.
A kin with no fight.
One of mine a faithful.
With the resolve of a turtle.
_
I sat in my darkened pit.
Throwing myself a little fit.
Why... why did I lie.
To his face, under the sky.
_
Who can judge me now.
Me who worked like a plow.
Unending and very tired.
Even in the life I admired.
_
I loved my self and no other.
Rejecting all, even my brother.
I followed their words, every one.
But not one helped, none.
_
Now my kin lies in heaven.
His happiness is leavened.
My loaf is sour.
As my mind goes on hour to hour.
_
Why did I reject the cries.
Hiding deep within my lies.
I understand now, what to find.
But it is too late, and I'm treated in kind.
_
The Darkness where I stand.
Is what I chose, my command.
This is my new life.
In death, in pure strife.
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139,244 Literary Works • 672,522 Reviews
Hey friend! I’m stopping by to leave you a quick review for this lovely poem of yours, so let’s get right into it:
I really like the tone of this. To me, it really speaks to the feeling of regret. That’s something that a lot of people can relate to. You speak of “rejecting the cries“. To me, it seems like there might have been a time in your life, or someone was asking your help, but you didn’t help them. This is probably cause a feeling of regret, for not being there for them. Through this narrative and such a poetic and beautiful way. It almost feels like we’re fighting some sort of ancient battle or taming a dragon. But I think this really applies to your life in the present, as well as the lives of those who read this. I can definitely relay a lot to this. I think that’s why I loved it so much!
I think my favorite part was these lines:
I want to compliment you on your amazing rhyming! You maintain this rhyme throughout the entire piece, which is really impressive, especially considering the topic and how specific your words were. In this quote above, we see how you really betrayed your own brother, not helping him when he needed it. we see how this poem really relates to selfishness and how we want to help ourselves, which is a very common theme and poetry, but you wrote very well.
Overall I really enjoyed this! It was very profound, but your words were simple and easy to follow along with. Fantastic work and keep on writing!
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello there, one of King Koopa’s loyal henchmen, here!
I don’t usually write reviews for poems, so I hope this comes out alright!
A nice simple tale about a brother who failed his sibling, perhaps leading to his brother’s death? He rejected all and now pays the prices…A sad little tale told through poem. Your rhyme scheme here along with the brief pauses are clever, and the pauses allow for the reader to digest what the speaker is saying here. Pretty cool, all around!
Wow, first of all great job! This piece was a super interesting read that clearly tells a story of regret and loss.
Your word choice really sets a tone of despair and mourning with choices like "darkened pit" and "unending and tired". Also your repeated mentions of lies adds to the mood of regret and seems to imply the author feels responsible for what happened in some way which creates undertones of guilt and strengthens the mournful ethos of the poem.
Your rhyme scheme is pretty strong the whole way through, the only notes I have is in the first stanza with faithful and turtle. I think if you were to find a better rhyme here this first stanza would flow better and help carry into the rest of the poem.
Overall, this piece leaves me wondering what exactly happened between the narrator and their brother. However it also leaves me feeling nostalgic and reflective of disagreements and rifts between my own brother and myself. Any piece that is hat make a reader feel the narrators perspective as well as reflect on their own is well written in my opinion.
Great job and keep writing!