Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
For Raven's story. The Forsaken Race
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In the depths of deception, a queen lies in wait.
A servant, a fiend so fearsome in silence.
A servant that hides in the violence
For this queen for her, is bait.
Her will never fails.
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As the fury of her siblings roar,
Her power fights against the fire.
She fights for truth and learns the ire,
of her siblings battle and the brutal war.
Her loyalty to her siblings will never quail.
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As her queen fights and hunts the family with fear,
She learns of the hidden truth and peace.
She speaks to teach and increase,
the fight to listen and hear.
For her siblings won't fail.
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She stands and decides,
Her siblings must not die.
She speaks vile words to cry.
Her siblings will face darkening tides.
As their fury lights up and sets a dark sail.
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Their fury unfailing,
Their story unfolding.
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139,203 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Hi there, friend! Ellie here to leave you a review for this nice poem of yours! Let's get right into the review!
Right from the start, I love your use of language and word choices in this.'Depths' and 'deception' flow off of the tongue very well. And then 'fiend' and fearsome' as well as 'servant' and 'silence'. This part was just packed with alliteration, which in my opinion allows me to stay so much more engaged with the story you are telling through this poem.
I enjoyed the rhymes that you had throughout the poem, such as the one with 'peace and increase' above. The phrase about it being a fight to listen to hear really stood out to me. I have never looked at situations that way before and it felt very poetic to me. I like the progression from one topic to another. I found that your words and topics flowed and blended together well in this piece.
And the ending was very well written:
The change of unfailing to unfolding was clever and sounds lovely to say out loud. Overall, this was a quick poem, but it was packed with lots of poetic gems and nice word choices that kept me engaged. Nice work, friend!! I hope you post more things like this soon.
Your friend,
Ellie
I must say, your poem is truly captivating. The imagery you use to describe the queen lying in wait and the fearsome servant hiding in the violence is so vivid and powerful. The theme of loyalty and the internal struggle within the family adds depth and intrigue to the story.
I love how you explore the idea of truth and peace amidst the chaos of battle. The way the protagonist learns the hidden truth and strives to teach and increase understanding is inspiring. It shows a strong sense of compassion and a desire for unity.
The ending lines, "Their fury unfailing, their story unfolding," leave the reader wanting more. It's a great way to build anticipation and curiosity, making us eager to know what happens next.
Overall, your poem is beautifully written and thought-provoking. You have a talent for creating vivid imagery and weaving a compelling narrative. Keep writing and exploring these themes, as your poetic voice is truly captivating. Well done!
Ah, oh my gosh! I'm so flattered you wrote a poem about my story, and it's so good!! You're really good with poetry!
You really nailed the theme of the story, and this ending:
Goosebumps! Such a good line!
Thank you for writing this, and great work!
Thank you, I had fun writing it.