Lullaby

Legacy here for a review.


I love the font (not like that matters xD). Anyways, back to the point.


The third, fourth, and sixth stanzas are awkward for one reason. You ended the stanza without completing the thought. You left them hanging, which would have been fine if you did that for the other stanzas. I would recommend finishing the thought before making a new stanza (personal preference).


If you are trying to keep this grammatically correct, there are some spots to fix.

"So when I placed myself before him./ I hung my head, my chest squirming." This is a classic fragmented sentence. A comma would fix this or just getting rid of the period there.

"His musty fingers grazed the edges/ Of his pencils, his pens, his/ Stupid calculator, stupid, stupid." You didn't finish the thought there. You put the period before you were done talking. A way to fix this is to finish your thought or to fix the word choice so that your thought is finished.

Other than that, it is a nice poem.

Hi there,

just leaving a few thoughts on your poem.

I liked the way you worked up to the final line and described the mind frame and emotions that a person went through while realizing that they were falling in love. While I think that sometimes this sort of thing with breaking up lines to have a "grand reveal" in the last line is a little gimmicky, I think the way you did it, was actually quite effective.

Now, I will say that I found a lot of the details of the story to be well... kind of disturbing. For instance none of the feelings or thoughts associated with this man seemed to be positive. You describe his "cruel eyes" and how their "stomach inflamed" and then how they felt like they were dying.

I kind of wondered if this was all a metaphor for drug use or something more negative like even an abusive relationship based on the negative imagery and references throughout.

I think that made the poem kind of interesting, and not your "standard" love poem.
I think you could maybe use the title to clarify what sort of metaphor or relationship you're trying to depict, unless you want it to remain ambiguous which is sometimes good too.

Overall, it was an interesting read! Nice work!

~alliyah

Hi. this is Kman134. i'm here to write a review for you.

I really like this poem. its realistic setting and romantic atmosphere gave life to your writing. each stanza was written well with no grammatical error anywhere that i could find. the attention the narrator is giving to his/her love interest was very emotional and sultry in its own way.

"Those devious, cruel eyes.
Lightly, calmly, viciously
Setting into mine, as if they knew, as if they knew."

this part reminded me of 50 shades of Gray (the novel; not the movie) and it emphasized the love interest's dark side.

anyway, i love this poem. i hope you write more.

Hey, katngo73! ScytheMeister here to review

This was a masterpiece! I loved the realism of it and how well the emotions were portrayed. Although it didn't go into too much depth with the emotion, it described the girl's (I assume) attention. Which in itself was emotion enough actually; she watched his every action, scrutinising every detail;

My heart ached over the way
His musty fingers grazed the edges
Of his pencil, his pens

Interesting poem! I have nothing to add, except to keep writing!