There were twelve thousand things that she did not understand, yet this was the one she was determined to comprehend. So she took it apart and looked through it for herself until it was a mess of thoughts and feelings and heartbreak.
The pieces never fit.
If she spoke too quietly, they would leave her for others.
If she spoke too loudly, they would come to her until no space existed.
And if she stared and waited and let her entire being cry out to be loved, they would do nothing.
So how would she find out? How would she know? How would she realize that the entire thing was overexaggerated, overstated, overglorified to the point that it became the one goal of every little girl and prevented them, prevented her, from discovering purpose, discovering passion?
She could not let it rest.
So the nights were filled with wide eyes and hope and dreams of being held lightly and tightly by someone who could truly understand what it was and what she meant. In the darkness, unknown figures of happiness and beauty swirled before a seemingly empty girl, who began to believe that she needed someone in her life in order to be content with what she had and who she was.
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139,298 Literary Works • 672,525 Reviews
What is the problem here? I can tell that there is one but, can't place what it is. Does she want friends, or Some one Who loves her?
THAT is my input.
Hi :3 Becca here,
I think this actually kind of expresses the confusion you were trying to get across because y'know when people are a bit flustered about something they tend to repeat so that was good.I really enjoyed your piece. I found it relatable and, while dramatic in nature, is essentially feelings many girls experience at some point so I liked that ability to connect with the character.
Besides this, I enjoy the repetitive nature of some of the sentences, eg.
Oh, also I really liked your final paragraph as I do think it sums up quite well that never-ending struggle we have to understand love etc. Although, I do feel you ended slightly abruptly. I'm not really sure, it just felt like it was ready to go on and then didn't.
I think I just wanted it a little longer really, like your opening sentence is quite gripping (I find it hard to get into reading things but you had me with how dramatic this seemed) and I just felt like instead of reading a short "scene," it would actually work quite well as an opening to a novel or something, but I guess that's personal opinion.
One last nitpicky thing, I kind of agree with herbgirl in regards to adding more imagery. I think, at times, you had it sorted, like with the dreaming of being held part, I could see that clearly. I just think because you've shown you can do imagery well, it would be worth showing that off a bit more.
Overall though I did really enjoy this. You expressed the emotions really well which is difficult to do in a couple paragraphs so well done :3
~Becca
Thank you so much for the review, Becca!
I might turn this into a full-length story/short story/novel/idk, but, if I don't, thank you again for the support and the thoughts!
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
This is an interesting piece. You clearly have some strong emotions, and the way you express them is attractive, although i think it could use a little bit of work. i really liked a few of your expressions, like
The imagery is very interesting, and really helps your audience understand how awful the situation is.
Now, i do have some suggestions, as i mentioned earlier. Primarily, make it clearer what you are talking about! i realize that it is often said that you must "show and not tell", and i think you do a fairly good job of showing the character's emotions, but you fail to ever state or in any way make clear the thing that is bothering the character so much. By the end, i think i understood that it was the need she felt for a man, but i was still very confused while reading. Perhaps, to clear up this confusion with future readers, state more explicitly the subject that is causing the character so much pain early in the piece, perhaps the first paragraph. That way, readers will better understand the writing, and then will want to finish the piece.
i also suggest including a little bit more imagery throughout the piece. It has some as is, but i feel like you could use a bit more figurative language to describe the character's emotions. This may just be my preference, but i feel you could better reach your audience by including metaphors. i'm always attracted to writing that paints a clear picture in my mind's eye.
As for the ending, i feel you could better sum up your thoughts. i understand the point of your piece, but you don't pull it all together in a way that delivers a clear message to your audience. Sum everything together in a way that teaches a lesson, or is a clear comment on society. This will give your piece more direction.
Anyways, sorry if any of that seemed harsh. You have a good idea here, and i think a good message, if you could just make it a little clearer.
Thanks!
herbgirl
Thank you so much for the review!
And don't worry about being harsh -- any criticism/review is greatly appreciated. I do realize that this piece does have its flaws, but it was honestly just something that randomly came to mind in the middle of the night. Thank you so much again!