I will break you.
I will tear you apart
Into jagged puzzle pieces
Until she turns away from you,
Unrecognizable.
I will massacre you.
I will adoringly carve your
Deceiving heart and chip away
At those conniving salmon pink lips,
Sharply.
I will hang you.
I will dangle your
Pale, lewd limbs in front
Of the closeted room where you kissed,
Lustfully.
Do not look at me.
Do not stare wide-eyed into my own crippled face
And plead with me
That she meant nothing,
That she was nothing.
For I will hold you;
I will cherish your pulsing chest,
Your glowing smiles, your delicate arms,
And rip the smell, the touch, the warmth,
Until I turn away from you,
Unrecognizable.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,300 Literary Works • 672,526 Reviews
Hai there! Deeproses here to drop a review for you.
warning: I haven't reviewed in forever so forgive me if it is bad ahaFirst off, I will discuss the things I like about this poem. I think the length of it is nice, and the imagery is very clear and recognizable. I can see how the narrator feels in this poem, and I can see how the narrator will "target" their opponent. Sprinkling in the title of the poem within the poem itself is also a nice touch.
Now for the critiquing!
I believe that if you are emphasizing the word "Unrecognizable", perhaps making it italicized will help the reader know that that specific word means something.
Also putting the words "Lustfully" and "Sharply" italicized would help emphasizing the meanings. Though, this can all just be style choice.
I think this poem is very repetitive, especially with the beginnings of the actions the narrator is planning to do.
for example:
and
stating the action lines with "I will" can get very boring and unoriginal sounding. Perhaps try a new beginning or not one at all?
Next, the format is extremely choppy. When the lines cut off, it ruins the flow of the poem. some lines would sound great together, but when reading the poem it is hard to enjoy it because it feels choppy and unorganized.
I think that pretty much wraps up the critiquing part of this review as well!
Overall, great poem! I think the words you used clearly described the feelings and emotions trying to be displayed. I think the format could have been improved but besides that, i really like the poem.
Good job! If you have any questions with my review, i would be happy to answer! Keep Writing
Thank you so much for the fantastic review! I myself am just getting into the habit of writing again, so it was really helpful to have some perspective on this piece!
Hey ! Ejay here for a quickie !
To begin with , I really liked the way in which the emotions have been portrayed in the poem . The poem is brimming with passion and I could feel the cocktail of emotions like passion and revenge till the very end , which is great .
The way you have chosen your words can be paid a little more attention . I don't know about me, but then I found a few of your words really strong . Toning them down a bit would help . Although breaking your poem into paragraphs would make it much easier to read , I think I can skip that point as apparently the YWS Editing tools have gone haywire ( I had the same problem ) .
Overall ,
It's a good write and a powerful read .
Do drop by and review a few of my works too ...
Cheers !
Regards,
Ejay
Thank you so much for the review! And, yes, the formatting really upset me when I posted it, but I just wanted to get this out there!