I. Today, I walked past it - your building I mean. I almost forgot it was there (not really). Well I didn't, but I wanted to, so I paused to read the name (not yours - the building's) and then walked on.
II. I sat outside your building today. I wanted to go in (really), but I knew I couldn't handle it. I looked up at the brick that carelessly outlined the cold, clear sky (it wasn’t as bright without you). From those windows - the ones in the staircase right under the chimneys, I guessed the third from the left was yours.
III. I actually went inside today, and sat on that bench. You know, the one normally flooded with sunshine from the skylights. But it was darker then because the sun had already left for the day (it sets earlier now) – and the fluorescent lights are suffocating when I can’t count the stars with you.
IV. I cried today. Sitting on that couch; you might've forgotten it with the rough pillows and barely room for two (although we always managed to fit). I no longer matched the cheap upholstery – my summer tan faded, and your knowing hands weren’t there to make me blush. And, afterwards, I put my feet up on the table, and, yes, it was pulled up quite close, and, yes, it reminded me of you.
V. I walked past your building today and didn't notice until I got home.
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140,229 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hi there. Here's a review for you, representing team Red Writing Hood on this fabulous February Review Day!!!
First, just to echo what some have already said, the prosaic style of writing here is really what makes this poem unique. That's something that sometimes turns me off to poetry, but I think it works very well here. I can tell from reading this that you had a very good idea of what kinds of feelings you were trying to convey within the narrator. I think you did a good job of communicating the feeling of loss and longing here, and every single line added nicely to this effect. The prosaic style of writing here made the poem feel like it was coming straight from the candid thoughts and feelings of the narrator as they appeared to him or her while still maintaining the same kind of emotional depth that a more poetic style would lend itself to.
Your use of parenthetical phrases here was also very nice. Some people don't like parentheses in prose or poetry, or even all formal writing in general, but I think it works well for you in this work. The parenthetical phrases further contribute to that whole dimension of the narrator's candid thoughts and realizations. I really felt like I knew the narrator a lot better (what kind of person they are, how they think, etc.) than I would have without them.
My favorite thing about this work, however, was the last line. That was awesomeness. Up until then, the narrator's feelings of longing and maybe even grief were on full display, and they climaxed in the stanza labeled IV. The last line was effective because it was an abrupt regression back to the narrator's repression of the feelings which have been boiling inside of them.
The only thing I would suggest you work on here is your descriptions of the building, especially the inside of it. I feel like there could be some hidden metaphors you could use by expanding on the building's physical description.
Hope this helps you, and Happy Review Day! Keep writing! ;D
Hello! A belated welcome to YWS!
This line is what your poem culminates in, the description of loss and love and how beautiful moving on can be. This line really resonated in me-- I don't find many poems that resonate in me on this site, but you really got that. Bro, this is awesome.So the beginning of the poem caught my eye, and I was like, yeah, okay, this is pretty okay, but the end gave me shivers.
That being said, even polished gems could use more polishing sometimes. Here are my suggestions.
The first stanza felt a bit stumbly and flustered. This might have been what you were going for, but I think this poem is more reflective and introspective than it is in the moment, and this stanza is very in the moment. A bit of streamlining would help the tone be less chaotic. Perhaps try something like this:
While I was giving you that example, I noticed that you said "walked on." That's okay to say, but I want the narrator to have a purpose. Let s/he walk somewhere. An actual place, not just on. I know that you want to keep the focus on the building and the person, so "on" is an obvious choice, but I want something a tad more specific that still gives her a purpose. Perhaps she is walking home, or perhaps she is walking "away." For some reason, I just don't think "on" is quite the right word to use there.
Something I just noticed: You start almost every stanza with "I." I think you fell into a bit of a pattern. Try rearranging some of your lines so the stanzas don't consistently start with the same word.
This part feels a bit off to me. Perhaps use a metaphor or simile here instead of telling us that. I just want a little more imagery. Perhaps something that connects to the next sentence.
The only word that irks me here is "carelessly." First of all, I don't like adverbs because it tends to weaken what you're saying. This use of adverb isn't too bad, but the word isn't right, either. "Carelessly" doesn't really enforce any image in this sentence. When I think of something "carelessly outlined," I think of someone doing a doodle during class, a sketch. But it's difficult for me to reconcile that image and a building against the sky. Perhaps try to use a different adverb here.
You do use a lot of adverbs. Take out normally and try formatting it like this: (you don't even need "from the skylights" because just seeing a sunny bench in the lobby is enough.)
Excellent line.
Here we find the misuse of a semicolon. A semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses, but "sitting on that couch" has no subject. A dash might serve your purposes better here.
I think this would be a little better if it was two simple sentences. Simple sentences have a lot of weight to them when used properly. Try this out and see how you like it:
Altogether, this is lovely, but still needs a little polishing. I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy writing!
Hello, Laure here on review day! This is a really special poem, I say that because it really resembles the setting of a prose. A very lyrical prose I suppose. I just wanted to say, this is a really really beautiful poem. I love the language here, it has a very subtle elegance to it. A very quiet melancholy that settles over this poem like a veil, and it settles down into the reader's heart too. What I'm trying to say here is that the imagery, as well as the emotions in this poem are extremely well portrait.
Like these:
Just one nitpick, where the flow was a bit awkward.
This felt I bit odd, I think it would flow better with 'room barely for two.'
Ah, wonderful ending. This is a really great way to tie up the whole poem.
Overall, awesome work! Happy review day!
-Laure
I like this, how it's in more of the prose style. It lacks the formatting of poetry, but still has the elegance of rhetoric that a poem does. I really liked the story told here as well. It is very poignant and melancholy. The way you used the parentheses made me think of E.E. Cummings, who is my favorite poet, so I liked that.
A few nitpicks/ideas.
But it was darker then because the sun already left for the day
for better grammar, should be "But it was darker then because the sun *had* already left for the day
I almost forgot it was there. Well I didn't (not really), but I wanted to, so I paused to read the name (not yours - the building's) and then walked on.
This bit, I feel like the (not really) is a bit out of place. I feel like you're trying to say that you didn't really almost forget it was there, but instead it reads like you didn't really not forget it, which is a big confusing jumble of double negatives. So maybe put (not really) after "I almost forgot it was there"?
I loved the rest, especially about matching the cheap upholstery, and the table pulled up close, and the knowing hands. My absolute favorite line though,
"and the fluorescent lights are suffocating when I can’t count the stars with you."
Awesome job, I really enjoyed this. It makes me sad, but it's beautiful.