I. Today, I walked past it - your building I mean. I almost forgot it was there. Well I didn't (not really), but I wanted to, so I paused to read the name (not yours - the building's) and then walked on.
II. I sat outside your building today. I wanted to go in, but I knew I couldn't handle it. I looked up from those windows, the ones in the staircase next to the chimneys and guessed the third from the left was yours.
III. I actually went inside today, and sat on that bench. You know, the one normally flooded with sunshine from the skylights. But it was dark then because the sun already left for the day.
IV. I cried today. Sitting on that couch; you might've forgotten it with the rough pillows and barely room for two. And afterwards, I put my feet up on the table, and, yes, it was pulled up quite close, and, yes, it reminded me of you.
V. I walked past your building today and didn't notice until I got home.
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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
I agree with @icannothearthings about the numbering, but I have to say: it was simple and amusing.
I don't know if it's because I've been there, but I instantly connected with the story. It looks familiar to anyone who had a broken heart and a hard time fixing it.
You should try writing short stories. ^^ I'm sure you could show us even more of what you've got.
I really enjoy the simplicity of this. It's beautiful, yet in a subtle and hidden kind of way; it's certainly open to the interpretation that it's hiding a lot more than it's literal meaning.
In the first section I'd probably suggest a few uses of different punctuation as the comma almost prevents the fluidity - unless that was intended? For example:
"I. Today I walked past it - your building I mean. I almost forgot it was there. Well I didn't, but I wanted to. I paused to read the name - not yours, the building's - and then walked on."
Other than that, it's very refreshing - different to anything I've ever read before.
I like the premise of this - it's a very original way to express your protagonist's feelings, not the typical "woe is me, you left me and now I'm going to shrivel up in misery" poem. It's very honest. Its meaning is hidden but easy to grasp and relate to, and overall, the content is excellent.
I'd say it's in between poetry and prose, actually.
Nitpicks
What you really need to work on is your grammar (especially punctuation), as it led to confusion in several areas. I'll go piece-by-piece and add in my suggestions.
That last phrase confused me - try wording it more clearly (besides, there should be a comma after "chimneys").
I hope my advice makes sense.
Anyway...
I'm aware this is meant to be a poem, expressing feelings more than anything else, but...you would lend so much more depth and emotion to this piece if you elaborated your descriptions. It's hard to picture this scenario (albeit easy to empathize with) because the imagery is so vague.
I personally think the best part of this writing is the last line. It's just perfect.
Also
I noticed you start most of your sentences with "I", and it can get repetitive. Try working on that as well.
Finally, the end of this review!
Use whatever suggestions you'd like, none at all if you'd wish - you're the author.
And as always...
keep writing!!
I thought this was a really nice and eerie piece. Although, there were a few things I didn't like.
First, the numbering. I think you should take that out. It makes the poem feel less free, more formulated.
"I actually went inside today" Putting actually ruins that line. It's also spelled wrong.
"rough pillows and barely room for two" it should be "rough pillows with barely enough room for two." Pretty sure that's grammatical.
"and yes it reminded me of you." It should be, "and yes, it reminded me of you." That's grammatical, too.
Aside from that, it was a great piece. I 'm really intrigued as to what happened, and your character showed development. WHICH IS AWESOME!
Overall, I hope you revise a bit, but know I really enjoyed it.
Alex out!