A brand new day
Things could go my way
I just have to seize this year
Not going to shed a tear
Guys will bring no worries
A brand new day
Juliann is here to stay
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,564 Reviews
Thanks for those comments. I'm really working on my poetry. I love writing. I just didn't know if I should post my more depressing poems. I will try harder to capture people's hearts thats what I'm working on, so thank you thank you thank you for your help!!!!!!!
Yay for Juliann coming to stay!
As far as your poem goes? I think it would be super neat if you could talk about her kicking butt. Right now, it's all, "Whee! New year!" But we don't really get to see who Juliann is, and let's face it... I want to know more. So, bring her out a bit and let us see her in action. It'll be a lot better that way.
Also! Welcome to YWS!
I agree with the above comment. It doesn't grab or tug at heart strings and allows for no connection. It seems like a painting that's only a quarter painted or a paragraph to a page without the rest. I would like to see more!
Hi jujubean05, welcome to YWS!
Re: your poem. To be honest, it didn't really grab me. I appreciate the sentiment and you've done a good job with the rhyming, but not only was it too short for me to really get into, it was also kind of navel-gaze-y. Basically, because I don't know the poet (I'm going to assume the "I" in the poem is you, but I might be mistaken) there's nothing much for me, as a reader, to get invested in or to emotionally connect with. In my opinion, this kind of poem is best kept to yourself or your close friends, because only they can really get the full impact of what you're trying to say.
Poetry, like any other form of writing, is a form of communication. It's your job to reach out to the reader and get them to feel the emotions you want to express right along with you. Extrapolating from this case, I'm guessing you want us to feel your joy and determination. How about illustrating that for us? A little bit of imagery, or something for to engage the reader's imagination, would help us to better understand what you're trying to convey. For example, you could talk about marching into class like a soldier, with your head held high, or something else that would show us how you're feeling rather than telling us. That way, we get to feel that right along with you, you know?
Anyway, I hope that helps. Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles