Rain pouring from her eyes
Pain on the rise
Ten scars on her arm
Men doing this harm
Long sleeves swearing to secrecy
I know it isn't that good, and it is kind of distutrbing. But please give me your oppinion on how I can make it better or if you like then tell me that. All comments are welcome.
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wow that was really good. I'm jealous you can do that off the top of your head!! lol... Thanks!!!!!
Was this meant to be a rap? If so, I can give you a lot of advice because rapping is my poetry of choice (it seems like a rap because of the short, choppy lines).
I didn't like those lines, though. Even changing "this" to "that" would make it sound better.
I'm still not sure this was a rap or not, but if it was, you should try putting several rhymes on top of each other, which would also expand your vocabualry for later pieces.
I'm just writing this on the spot, but here's an example of what I mean, using your poem:
Rain pouring from her eyes
Pain on the rise
Thoughts racin' like fireflies
She's tired from the lies
The ten scars on her arm
Don't create no alarm
Cause the long sleeves swear to secrecy
Can't she see?
Insecurity
That's no way to be
I do that sort of thing all the time, it really develops your poetic skills.
Hope that was helpful!
-Alex