So here is a poem I wrote quite a while ago. It is still extremely rough and I have been meaning to fix it up but I just haven't found the motivation. When I logged on this morning and found that it was almost review day I though "What better timing could I get?!" Anyways, review away!
Life is like an hourglass,
Fused on way down.
No way to flip it over,
No way to start again.
The essence of time,
Kept by each slipping grain of sand.
The essence of time,
As seen through the polished, curved glass.
Minutes pass slowly,
Minutes pass fast.
Hidden in your darkest corner, a clock chimes,
Shocking you back into reality.
The essence of time,
Proven by every second ticking away.
The essence of time,
The hours fading noiselessly off the clock.
Your days are numbered.
Measured in smiles and laughter,
Measured in sorrow and in tears.
Live to the fullest, find meaning in life.
The essence of time,
Our lives are passing us by.
The essence of time,
Be the change you wish to see.
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ending with a previously well used aphorism/maxim like "be the change you wish to see/be" just shows a lack of creativity, sorry.
Hello jemjive!
So, I have to agree with the reviewers before me that this isn't quite original, but it isn't bad. I rather liked it. The repetition is good, and pretty much makes this poem what it is. I think to make it better, you could change the speaker to speak of someone's life in particular and relate it to what the speaker mentions in this poem. Just some ideas.
Peace and Fahrvergnügen!
Sporks
(I'm adding that word on the end because it's Review Day, and I'm determined to use it in every review until the review day is over.)
Hi there.
This poem is not as bad as you think it is. I liked it. Yes, we've seen it all already, but I can't lie, it was good. Well written and all. The repetition is key in this one, so keep it. It makes all the style in it. If you remove it, it's going to be all messed up and we don't want that. Apart from that, you might want to make it more special. More your own, if you know what I mean. Talk about when does time pass by too fast, and when it's too slow, almost excruciating.
Hope it helped!
-Other One
Hey there jem,
I'm trying to find something to hold on here, but I can't find anything. This poem certainly sounds and looks pretty enough, but what's in it that we haven't seen or heard already?
You do a lot of stating the obvious or the useless: "Minutes pass slowly, / Minutes pass fast." How very profound. To be honest, all I really see her is fluff around the idea of time, with very common images and overused phrases:
This here? Has been done to death. The repetitions throughout the poem don't help a bit, they just make you dig yourself deeper in. Not to mention the transitions from the "The essence of time" lines to the following ones are often jerky and too abrupt, with the connection either too obvious or not enough.
And that last stanza sounds like it's been taken straight from a motivational poster.
If you want to salvage this poem, try to make it more original. Maybe expand the hourglass imagery, as "As seen through the polished, curved glass." was probably the line that interested me the most here? Just get rid of the clichés, and it might have a chance at being really good.
Hope this helps.
Jag
Hello there, Jemjive!
Here to review.
The first thing I've noticed in your poem is that you've kept on capitalizing the first letter of each line, which I think is wrong and a bad thing. Don't worry, I was just like that but now I know that it's kind of wrong. Anyways, there are just some instances wherein "the essence of time" is a bit repetitive. Though I'm not saying that's completely wrong but you write that in some stanzas and in the others, you don't. I don't know or maybe that's just me. Anyways, the idea of the poem is pretty understandable but it lacks a sort of significant meaning behind it, just clarify that one out. Though I pretty like the ending stanza, but something really lacks. Perhaps the imageries, syllabic patterns and many other things. but anyways, even though there are some absences of poetic techniques I think the poem alone with simplicity and neatness, is pretty good to read and it stands out averagely. All in all, this is good.
Peace out,
yuri
I like the idea, but it dosent seem too out of the ordinary
The thing that stands out is the repetition.. And that's what saves the poem
It got me thinking.. Kinda.. And that's a good thing
But maybe put something it to make it a little more special