Do you know the feeling?
The prickling pressure,
Right on the tip of you tongue.
Its a roaring beast, pawing to get out.
But you can't let it go,
It would leave you in ruins.
A fiery greatness, burning it's way free.
A hole will soon be in your chest,
And your world, a mess.
It is as destructive as a cancer.
Killing you from the inside.
It wants out, it needs out.
I have a secret,
Deep within.
Would you care for me to share it with you?
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140,083 Literary Works • 672,994 Reviews
Hey,
First of all, I love your avvie
Now, to the review. This was a good poem but during it, I felt like the narrator was the secret. I don't know, maybe I'm weird. You have very good imagery but like what Perdiablo said, the cancer doesn't make much sense. The last line also doesn't make much sense, shouldn't it be "Would you care to hear it" or something. What you said was that someone the narrator is talking to has a secret and the narrator wants that person to tell it to them. Other than that, good job.
~Jasmine Bells
Thanks guys!
Snoink, for "Would you care to share it with me?' I am trying to imply that I have a secret and am wanting to share it because I can't hold it in any longer. XD
Thankyou Tim!
Perdiablo, yeah I'm working on the cancer line hahaha.
Haha, awesome. Great use of imagery and such, it sounded really good and you compared a secret to some cool things. So my one thing is that it sounded weird to me when you compared it to a cancer, and then saying it "wants out, that it needs out" in the same stanza. Because I'm not sure but I don't think cancer really wants to leave your body. So I would suggest changing that line to something more appropriate for cancer, and maybe moving the line you have to someplace else. Good job on the poem, though, I really liked it
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Hey jemjive!
First of all, a couple of nitpicks!
Do you know the feel? <-- should be "feeling"
A fiery greatness, burning it's way free. <-- should be "its" -- no apostrophe
All right, that's it, lol.
Would you care to share it with me? <-- This implies that the person that the narrator is speaking to has the secret, not the narrator. So it's a bit odd!
I really like the imagery of the secret as a beast and as a flame... really gripping imagery! My main thing against this poem is that the end is worded strangely. Clean up that and it's bound to be lovely.
Brava! This is absolutely stunning! I love it! The only thing that, in my opinion, I would change is the very first line, adding an "ing" to "feel". Besides that, this is wonderful! It fully portrays the characteristics of a naughty secret just wanting to escape! I love the line "it would leave you in ruins", because it's so true! This is amazing! Please keep writing! Yours, ThisIsMe (Tim)