I decided to write a poem
and it would be so drop-dead-awsome.
Line after line
Confound the world,
leave it with much debate.
But then I grew older,
and saw things as colder
and feared the start of some great debate.
I decided to write a poem
and it would be so drop-dead-amazingly-spectacular.
Line after line
Confound the world,
with little or no debate.
But then I grew older,
and saw things as colder
so I continued on my slate.
Time passed more,
and then I knew.
Time would be my poem,
my epic,
my great.
But soon I grew older
and saw things as colder
and now the cold will stay.
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this is the truth of life you see. phrases like " make hay when the sun shines " were not devised in a day.
i really liked this poem of yours as it goes with a flow. i like the use of italics to stress on imp parts and even the strategy of making " time " bold was good.
now for the nitpicking i would start with -
"and saw things as colder"- i thing you should rather use cold here as later you used colder. so using cold here would help to make it a comparison rather then telling it was colder right from the start.[ however this is fully your decision and i am really no one to interfere with your thoughts]
"drop-dead-amazingly-spectacular."- perhaps some emphasis in this like too would make it better. think about it .
"But soon I grew older"- in the last you may write " but now as i am much older,
and see things way too colder". the use of present tense would give it a connection with present state of yours.
you have good potential so harvest your talents in time
keep writing
Rituparna
I loved this poem. It described my life. But here's the thing, I didn't like the way the procrastination was so vague. If you want it to be dramatic, make it worse than it seems, but only don't mention the word "Procrastinate". Does that make sense?
Make it dramatic. Make it like a soap opera.
I liked how you had a lot of ideas mentioned in this poem, and then mention how they never get fulfilled. Good job. Keep working on it.
Rachelle
(And sorry about the repeat of the same comment)
so how will people know its about procrastination?
Keep the same idea, just make it more dramatic. You didn't say the word Procrastinate in the poem, but in the title. The title is great, and that is how they will know. The was good, it just didn't seem dramatic to me.
well, I made the title after the poem and it was the first thing I thought of
It was good, don't get me wrong. But I'm a sucker for dramatic writing, and I would like to see this improve.
ok
I loved this poem. It described my life. But here's the thing, I didn't like the way the procrastination was so vague. If you want it to be dramatic, make it worse than it seems, but only don't mention the word "Procrastinate". Does that make sense?
Make it dramatic. Make it like a soap opera.
I liked how you had a lot of ideas mentioned in this poem, and then mention how they never get fulfilled. Good job. Keep working on it.
Rachelle
Hi there.
I thought this was a nice poem - and procrastination! Ah! We can all relate, so this is an excellent relation-y poem.
I also loved the repetition of a few of the lines.
The only (yes, only!) thing I found wrong was just the small problem with this particular line;
It just seems.... There. And 'great' isn't a very exciting word that helps form the poem's shape. So, just a little tweak with this line.
But this was amazing
~ EternalRain
noted, thanks
You're welcome