Once there was a school assignment to write a short story, but the students only had iPads even though they wanted to write the story on paper. Jay was one of these students and decided to write a paper about writing a paper. Now Mackenzie who was sitting across from Jay, didn't think that Jay should write a paper about that, but even after Mackenzie told Jay... He wrote it anyway. Now Mackenzie decided she was bored and wanted to do something, so she asked Jay for a piece of paper. Jay did not want to give her the piece of paper, but she said “But you are wearing a Santa hat, and Santa gives gifts." So Jay had no choice but to give Mackenzie the paper.
When Jay gave Mackenzie the paper she took out a pen and started... drawing. She had drawn a face. In pen. On the paper Jay had given her. Jay saw this, he wrote about it, and was mad. Slightly. But as Jay was writing, Mackenzie scribbled out the face. Jay wondered what she was doing, so he stopped writing and watched as Mackenzie drew another face. On the other side of the paper Jay had just given her. Just as Jay was thinking of what to write next, he remembered he had recently asked Caden to remind someone how much Jay liked how they were wearing their Halloween costume. The wearing of a Halloween costume was interesting because it was December second.
And earlier, at a Halloween party in November, Jay had not noticed that someone, possibly being Lydia, was wearing a costume, Jay had thought she was in normal clothes. So Jay had asked "why aren't you wearing a costume?" and, she replied "I am!" She later told Jay she was a zombie of some kind (I didn't remember what kind). And Jay thought this situation was funny so he brought it up in his story.
Now a long time had passed since Jay had checked to see what Mackenzie was doing. Jay decided to check in.She was drawing some weird flexing person and another face. Jay thought the flexing person was weird looking.
Jay wanted to know how long he had been writing, and how long he had to go.
So he decided he would ask the teacher... But then decided to keep writing.
Jay realized he couldn't use people’s real names without their permission, so Jay decided to write in his story "the real names of the people in this story probably have been changed." He said this so he could keep the real names, but they might not be the real names. So this could be a story about completely different people who happen to go through very similar circumstances that these possibly fake people could have gone through. Then as Jay was writing the story, the bell rang. And he left his story for tomorrow.
Now today was a new day and Jay couldn't wait to keep writing his story. He looked up and guess what? Mackenzie was drawing again! Jay thought to himself... “This might not be a good topic to write about". He paused a moment. He kept writing. He decided to talk about his 'Santa hat' that he had. But he also wanted to mention the glasses he had brought that day, he was quite proud of his glasses, and thought more people should complement him about them. Jay stopped himself, then thought again, “Is this a bad subject to write about? It might be ... Narcissistic or something, like the guy in Greek mythology who stared at a reflection of himself. And stayed there forever... “Jay looked up and saw a bag of mini doughnuts, he realized he was kind of hungry. After writing the previous sentence, Jay realized: if he was writing a piece, he should know what genre this book was. Like fiction, nonfiction, an autobiography or what.
Jay stopped writing his story. Thought about what to write about next, and decided on zombies."If a zombie apocalypse ever happens, I recommend all non-zombies to move to Canada. There's a lot of space, and not a lot of people to be zombies." Jay thought so far the zombies part was coming out well. He didn't like it. So he changed it to writing about how he didn't like his writing about zombies.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there! This is a cute story.
I liked how you so accurately portrayed how he keeps switching from one topic to another. When I try to free-write, that's always how it turns out.
I know this isn't a formal essay, but you still have a fair few grammar errors. I'll point a few of them out for you. Strikethrough is what to take out, bold is what to add in.
In general, there are too many fragments in the first and second paragraphs. There is a time and a place for them, since they make the reader notice that part more, but since you use them too much. This just makes it seem disjointed and awkward.
Need a comma there.
Italics are generally more accepted than all caps.
In general, you have far to many parenthetical insertions. In many of the cases, you could just replace the parenthesis with commas and it would still work fine. Parenthesis have very little place in literature. Commas or Em dashes are much more acceptable.
There is one specific one I want to talk about, though.
[/quote]
This is confusing. I'm pretty sure that the 'I' is because it is Jay thinking it, but since none of the other parenthetical insertions are in Jay's thoughts, it was very off-putting. You could use Em dashes, or reword the sentence, but you definitely want to get rid of those parentheses.
So, overall, this was a pretty interesting story about random writing that really could just use a bit of revision.
Have a good day, and keep writing!
-Meandbooks
It [i/] may [i] have been a formal essay...
XD
(IT DIDNT NOTIFY ME WHEN YOU DID THIS)
Well, I think that this essay has a very interesting storyline structure. You immediately opened with something about your characters writing stories, and then took me by surprise by going into detail about Halloween costumes and zombies. While I was entertained by your descriptive writing style, I just was not sure about where this short story was headed. I was also unsure about the goal of this essay; as it seemed to have a good stream of consciousness flow but no general direction for that flow.
In spite of this, though, I encourage you to refine your clear talent for writing and try to build on the plot of this story; as you might actually have something if you draw out the characters further.
Have an awesome day,
ABlitman
thank you for the compliment AND review, i couldn't find the completed version of this essay (and im still looking for it).