I’m originally from Australia, a small place on the island no one has ever heard of because, well, no one really pays attention to Australia anymore. My father moved us here about two years ago. Here as in Huntington Beach, California. And you’d think moving from one sunny beach to another wouldn’t be that much of a change. Well, you thought wrong.
When I first moved here, I was a sophomore at Huntington Beach High School. At HBHS, the schedule is utterly confusing and I got lost every day of my sophomore year. The principal, Mrs. Hoy, said that it would take a few weeks to get used to the bell schedule, but it took me until the week before school ended for the summer break to actually understand where all my classes were.
This year, I walked up the stone steps into the large school with my chin up high; I decided over the summer break that I wouldn’t be just a nobody anymore. Someone would notice me for once. Most of the student population, the popular ones anyway, always gathered around the stairs each morning to greet the less lucky students, mocking them. Today, the cheerleading squad decided it would be fun to welcome everyone back with doing a few cheers out on the lower steps. Of course all of the jocks had to sit and watch. It was only fair since the cheerleaders had to sit and watch them play football and wrestle like big and strong sweaty men. I smiled as I ascended the stairs.
At my locker, I examined my schedule, hoping to not have to stare at it walking through the crowded halls. I had Ms. Hostetler first period. I had heard from older classmates that she was the hardest English teacher at the school. I shrugged any fear of her out of my mind. I liked a challenge, and it was only English. How hard could it possibly be?
“Have you seen him?” a voice called from behind me. I registered the voice quickly. It was my best friend Becky. She and I fit into the same misfit category when it came to the politics of high school. Becky was, however, a reliable gossip queen, which put her one step higher on the ladder than I. It didn’t bother me much; she was enjoying her youth, why should I care if she gets invited to half of the parties thrown by fellow classmates and I don’t? Why should it bother me that she goes to half of the ones she’s invited to, and never takes me along? It shouldn’t bother me that she is crushing on the most obnoxious, rude, immature, breathtakingly gorgeous boy in school. And yet it does, and there is nothing in the world that can stop it.
I turned to see Becky, tall and wide-eyed as usual, with a huge grin on her face, awaiting my response. With a slight smile I said, “No, Becky, I haven’t seen him.” My smile grew as I put extra stress on the last word in my sentence.
She squealed with joy as she leaned up against a locker close to mine. “I parked right next to his car.” Her head flew back and hit the locker. “He wasn’t there, but, Ash. His. Car.”
Ever since Becky could remember, she’s had a thing for Jake Tunnel. They were in elementary school when she first became daring enough to talk to him. She had sat next to the small boy at lunch, only to have Brian poor milk on her head. When she told me this story, I had the smallest childish urge to take my milk carton and poor it all over Brian Weber’s head. Ever since that day, she has never taken any chances with Jake Tunnel again.
“How did you manage to pull that off,” I asked, considering that all of the popular people parked together and everyone else parked far away from them.
Becky turned to me then. “He parked on the edge with only one parking spot open next to him. I saw Brian,” Jake’s closest friend. “He was about to take the spot and my heart just, reacted.” Becky blinked a few times. “I just took the spot, got out, and walked towards the building without looking back.”
“Becky,” I said slowly. “Do you have any idea what this means?”
She batted her long eyelashes. Today was a normal day for Becky’s wardrobe. Like any other Californian, she wore her mini skirt with her boots and tank top. The colors may be a bit off, however. Her skirt was plaid black and red. Her boots were combat boots with steel toes that tied halfway up her leg. Her tank top matched the outfit with a shocking rose colored red.
“Once they realize you are the one that parked there, they are going to take you out,” I said, since she obviously didn’t understand me. She tilted her head to the side like a confused puppy. I rolled my eyes and slammed my locker. “Never mind.”
And that was that. She waved and walked off in one direction as I headed towards my own class, filled with people that have ignored me, and will continue to ignore me. High school politics suck.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey
When you write an essay, how do you start it? Do you put, "In this essay..."? Because it's dull and patronising, just like, when writing fiction, you should avoid telling us the contents of the oncoming story. First chapters are most prone to this, and if I were you, I'd completely rewrite it because it's just... well, there's no substance. Just information being poured out, and I struggled as I read.
Let's go through what I mean:
Can't you just show us this? I find that you give us one hint (chin up high), then feel the need to explain every detail. Generally speaking, you can, but give a shorter explanation, such as: "with my chin up high, prepared to press aside the nobody I was." Avoid info dumps, and reveal the information in gradual steps. Instead of starting off with "I'm an Aussie, and I live in the States", say it an a away that engages the reader and her with other characters. Why not have someone come over to her and shout:
"Hey, English kid!"
"I'm Australian."
"Same thing."
"Sort out your geography." Nobody ever paid attention to Australia anymore, I decided.
That's a bad example, but it shows us that the character puts up with people like that, isn't really known, and gets angry about it. So you see what I mean?
Have you ever heard of Eprime? It's the idea that when writing, you should avoid all kind of usages of the verb "to be", to keep it more active. Although you could benefit from it (keeping the pace quicker and making it more interesting, also adding character), I'd like to relate it to this piece. Using Eprime, tells us that a character "was" something or "is from" something. It's dull, and shows the reader everything, meaning there's nothing for him/her to search for or understand. Nor do they care--pouring out facts without knowing how the viewpoint changes.
There's also the cliché idea of a normal girl in a school, in which nobody knows her, she's clever and put down, but then something magical comes along and she is instantly uber smexy. Careful with that.
That's my advice for you--let me know if I can help. Good luck!
-Mark
That sentence sounds awkward to me. I'm not sure how you would fix it up other than doing a whole new sentence.
All the other glaring mistakes have already been picked out. But I think this could do with quite a bit of revising.
There isn't any substance at all to the characters, and it would be a very good idea to add some depth to your main character; you want the readers to be interested in her, and at this point it's not the most attention grabbing thing.
For example, you could elaborate on what exactly caused the main character to change her mind about being a nobody and what exactly she plans on doing to change her social status. This would be an easy way to draw the reader in by describing some crazy scheme that she came up with.
Basically, I think there is a lot of details and descriptions that need to be added to help develop this. There is a potential, but like with anything, its going to take quite a bit of work.
Good luck!
Hello again,
strike out the unnecessary part and add a comma
the starting action is unnecessary and the speech break at the end is unnatural, doesn't work. Also, we already know their friends so its redundant.
**
As first chapters go, this was fairly dull. Didn't cover anything new; there was nothing really interesting about it at all. Standard high school drama which no one really likes to read, it sucks enough to live it once you know. There was a fair amount of info-dumping that you should probably get rid of, to make this more engaging and active. It's mostly retrospective with very little action.
The writing, however, was of a fairly solid standard so it wasn't hard to read at all. I'm undecided on whether the prologue was interesting enough to make up for this, honestly.
Cheers