Whoa, it seems that Castles got here before me and seemed to have covered everything... but I'll try my best to come up with something hehe
Tenth grade at any normal high school would have been different.
I know what you mean by this but... I think it would sound better like: Tenth grade at any other high school would have been normal. Or somethign like that. Cause in teh sentence above, you say it as though she is saying any other high school is abnormal and her's is normal, you know? Hopefully that made some sort of sense
I attend Triarach Bandia Academy or Triple Goddess Academy to those of us who understand Elvish.
Elvish, huh? Interesting addition, Jazz! I like
When the head priestess of Triarach contacted her about my attendance to her school when I was ready, my mother gave me up.
This sentence is good, but I feel like it is missing some key things. Maybe try: When the head priestess of Triarach contacted her about my attendance to her school when I was of age, my mother gave me up without a second thought about it. or something. I guess that it was the mother part that bothered me because you didn't really give us an explanation as to why she gave her up.
I’m not complaining though, I love my new family. I became very close to one the brothers of this strange new family.
I would connect these two sentences together, maybe like: I'm not complaining though, as I love my new family and have become very close to one of the brothers attending the school.
Mica is the youngest brother, however he is just as powerful as Peter, the eldest.
Two things with this. 1) Don't start this with "Mica". Just use "he" because in the previous sentence, you end with "Mica" and it just sounds odd. 2) I get that you are trying to tell us a little bit about Mica's unordinary power, but when you mention Peter, I just get cofused because you haven't formally introduced him yet. Try to phrase this without overwhelming the reader too much.
When Peter was just a baby, the Demon King, Sammael, sent his minions after the coven to both kill and try to turn Peter evil.
I would use instead of "and try to turn Peter evil", use "or try to turn Peter evil"
The coven dedicated their lives to helping Peter with his troubles, but he never needed it. Peter could indeed defend himself with his active powers.
I would connect these two, maybe like: The coven dedicated their lives to helping Peter with his troubles, but he never seemed to need it, for his powers were strong enough to defend himself on his own. or something like that.
Remember when you were little, and you saw a glass orb with electrical currents dancing around in pretty blue and purple colors?
I wouldn't address the reader like this. It just breaks your flow. Try to reword this so you don't use "you" anywhere in it.
Being half human, I have one small active power, which, in a house with the most powerful witches in all of the astral worlds, kind of takes a hit on one’s self esteem.
What is her active power? Go into more detail here.
Starting at my toes and working its way up to my knee, sharp pains that felt like sticking my leg in a box of nails started throbbing.
This is oddly worded. Maybe try to rewrite it.
She was jealous of the relationship Mica and I shared as we grew up together.
How did they grow up together? I would be more specific here.
It showed in her face. She was tall and tan. She had long brown hair that flowed straight behind her as she walked like a veil. She never had to wear much makeup to intensify her eyes. They were already a striking green. She is part wood nymph, and they all have almost neon green colored eyes.
In the beginning of this paragraph, you say that it shows in her face how she feels about their relationship. But then you go on to talk about Beonca's looks. First, before doing that, I would describe whatever face expression you were talking about in the beginning.
“She is my sister!” he snapped. “Phoebs and I have been siblings since we were kids, Beonca. You know this. I’ve told you a million times there is nothing between us.”
She's his sister? Huh? I think you mean that they act like siblings, right? If you mean that, just say it instead of phrasing it like this.
was swelling and a ring of dark purple formed like a ankle around my foot.
I think you mean "anklet" right?
“Then I’ll just have to kill you.” She shrugged. “Works for me.”
I rolled me eyes. “He is going to realize that you two are playing different sides. And when he does, I hope he kills you.”
She let out an evil laugh. “So naive.” She knelt down beside the couch to be more my eye level. “I will kill you,” she said in a dark tone.
Whoa! This seems a little overdramatic for a bunch of teenagers. Try to use something else beside "kill". Maybe use "ruin social status" or "rumors" or something childish like that that the reader can relate to.
~ ~ ~ ~
Well, that was mighty interesting, Jazz. I've missed your literary entertainment over these long weeks
The only thing that I will point out about this is the transition from her talking about Peter's history to suddenly being in the school levatating things. I think you need to work on smoothing that out.
Otherwise, I look forward to more of this
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