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Young Writers Society



Triarach Bandia Academy

by jasmine12


This is new...still working on it. Any type of suggestions are welcome. And any type of criticisms are welcome as well. Harsh works!!!!

Tenth grade at any normal high school would have been different. The worst thing is a pimple on picture day, or loosing your best friend. My tenth grade year, however, was much much worse. You see, I don’t go to any normal suburban high school. I attend Triarach Bandia Academy or Triple Goddess Academy to those of us who understand Elvish.

I live amongst a family that I consider my own, although I am not blood related to any of its occupants. I was adopted into the family when I was a little girl. My birth mother couldn’t handle the fact that her daughter was a witch. When the head priestess of Triarach contacted her about my attendance to her school when I was ready, my mother gave me up. I’m not complaining though, I love my new family.

I became very close to one the brothers of this strange new family. His name is Mica. Mica is the youngest brother, however he is just as powerful as Peter, the eldest.

Their mother and her sister are the strongest coven in all the worlds. Even before their birth, there was a prophecy of their arrival into the mortal world. However, that is their story.

When Peter was just a baby, the Demon King, Sammael, sent his minions after the coven to both kill and try to turn Peter evil. The coven dedicated their lives to helping Peter with his troubles, but he never needed it. Peter could indeed defend himself with his active powers. Remember when you were little, and you saw a glass orb with electrical currents dancing around in pretty blue and purple colors? Well, for Peter, he can conjure them into the palm of his hand from the energy around him and throw them at an opponent. The plasma globes can engulf the demon in fire then they would disappear in dark black ashes. We learn in Triarach that it is called vanquishing a demon. Some demons would leave black soot or scorch marks on the floor.. The coven tried spells charms and poisons to protect Peter but nothing worked. Peter had to kill them by himself.

Peter’s mother selected the human name Mimi for herself. Philip is her husband’s name; I don’t see him much. They own a little café down the street from their house that Mica and I both work at after school. Being a waitress doesn’t pay much, but it was something to do other than magic.

Her sister named herself Naveah. She hadn’t chosen a mate for herself due to lack of personal life. Naveah is a professor at Triarach. She teaches Elvish at all levels. I have the privilege of taking Elvish all eight years of attending the academy.

They were given birth names that would be strange to the human world. I don’t even know how to pronounce them. They decided that since they were trying to blend in so that Peter and Mica could have as normal a life they could, they should have normal names.

I, on the other hand, have a normal birth name. My birth mother named me after her mother. Phoebe. Being half human, I have one small active power, which, in a house with the most powerful witches in all of the astral worlds, kind of takes a hit on one’s self esteem.

Luckily, I found a friend at Triarach that is also half human. Cassie is my best friend and the biggest gossip queen at the academy. She would be popular if she had powers. That’s how they judge you at school, how powerful you are.

Oh, you could be the richest, pretties, smartest, person at school and have absolutely no active powers and you wouldn’t even be noticed. That’s where Mica and Peter fit in. Mica had found himself a girlfriend in Beonca. She had it all, the looks, the powers, and the snooty bitch attitude. She was perfect in every aspect one could be perfect in.

Naveah and I were working on my active power that night. I can levitate, big deal. That’s when Mica and Beonca came barging into the room and starting me and I fell to the ground. I tried to swing my legs out beneath me to land on my feet, but I didn’t have enough time and crashed on my ankle. Starting at my toes and working its way up to my knee, sharp pains that felt like sticking my leg in a box of nails started throbbing. Mica rushed to my side to pick me up and place me gently on the couch.

Naveah, racing around completely frazzled, went into the kitchen to get some ice. Mica, not saying a word, grabbed a throw pillow to elevate my leg. Then he put the slightest pressure to lift my foot, I screamed out in pain. Everywhere his skin touched mine intensified the tingling feeling.

Mica backed away with his arms raised in surrender. He tried to smile at me, his way of apologizing, but it turned into a grimace as a tear rolled down my cheek. I was in too much pain to realize I was even crying.

Beonca stared at him the entire time he catered to me. I knew she never liked me being around. She was jealous of the relationship Mica and I shared as we grew up together. It showed in her face. She was tall and tan. She had long brown hair that flowed straight behind her as she walked like a veil. She never had to wear much makeup to intensify her eyes. They were already a striking green. She is part wood nymph, and they all have almost neon green colored eyes.

Once I was settled on the couch, she took him aside, not knowing I was still in hearing range. She was clearly upset.

“What the hell are you doing?” She asked, shoving his arm.

He stared at her bewildered. “You don’t feel one ounce of guilt?” Beonca shook her head. “That’s disturbing. She could be hurt.”

Beonca scoffed. “She’s pathetic. Phoebe knows you’ll run to her side the moment she needs you, and she uses that to her advantage. Are you seriously that blind?”

“She is my sister!” he snapped. “Phoebs and I have been siblings since we were kids, Beonca. You know this. I’ve told you a million times there is nothing between us.”

The pain in my ankle was growing at the peak of their conversation. I didn’t want to, but I screamed out and sat up to examine the ankle. It was swelling and a ring of dark purple formed like a ankle around my foot.

Beonca and Mica came closer to the couch.

“I’ll be right back, Phoebs.” Mica said, gently wipping away yet another forgotten tear. As he was walking away, he said, “How difficult could it possibly be?” More than likely, he was talking about Naveah’s reputation for blond moments.

“I know what you’re trying to do,” Beonca said, he back to me and the couch. “It won’t work.” Her voice turned into a harsh whisper.

“Shut up,” I snapped back at her. “This has nothing to do with your boy toy.”

She scoffed. “You want him,” she said as she turned to me. “Everyone wants a piece of him. He will be the greatest witch in the entire world. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?”

“You know,” I said, trying to smile. “I would be a part of that no matter what. Since, he would of course take his sister with him on his journey to fame.”

I knew I had won the fight when Beonca’s eyes widened with recognition of the truth. Even if Mica and I weren’t together, I would always be a part of his life and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

“Then I’ll just have to kill you.” She shrugged. “Works for me.”

I rolled me eyes. “He is going to realize that you two are playing different sides. And when he does, I hope he kills you.”

She let out an evil laugh. “So naive.” She knelt down beside the couch to be more my eye level. “I will kill you,” she said in a dark tone.

Then she did something that only evil witches can do. She astral traveled. Something I had never seen done, but have heard of many times. One second, you are staring at you’re opponent, the next, you can see right through them. They just disappear without a trace.

Mica walked into the room just as she astral traveled. Naveah was skirting around the furniture to sit beside me before Mica had the chance.

“Give me the ice, dear,” she said to Mica.

Mica handed her a lumpy towel and she placed it over my ankle. She hesitated then looked at Mica. “Hold her hand.” He did as she was told. He slipped his rough hand into mind. “Hold it tight.” Mica put only the slightest amount of pressure on my hand.

Naveah, as gently as she could, placed the towel on my ankle. I hissed in pain and tried to recoil my leg but she held it firmly. She pulled a vial out of her jean pocket and opened the lid. The air around us turned into swirls of purple and pink. I could no longer feel the pain in my ankle or the pressure of Mica’s hand.

“She’s gone,” I heard Mica say. It was a distant sound, like he had walked across the room.

I saw the swirls. I wanted to touch them, but my arm felt too heavy and limp. I knew she used some sort of potion to cure the pain. She was a good substitute mom like that.


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Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:00 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Whoa, it seems that Castles got here before me and seemed to have covered everything... but I'll try my best to come up with something :wink: hehe

Tenth grade at any normal high school would have been different.


I know what you mean by this but... I think it would sound better like: Tenth grade at any other high school would have been normal. Or somethign like that. Cause in teh sentence above, you say it as though she is saying any other high school is abnormal and her's is normal, you know? Hopefully that made some sort of sense :wink:

I attend Triarach Bandia Academy or Triple Goddess Academy to those of us who understand Elvish.


Elvish, huh? Interesting addition, Jazz! I like :D

When the head priestess of Triarach contacted her about my attendance to her school when I was ready, my mother gave me up.


This sentence is good, but I feel like it is missing some key things. Maybe try: When the head priestess of Triarach contacted her about my attendance to her school when I was of age, my mother gave me up without a second thought about it. or something. I guess that it was the mother part that bothered me because you didn't really give us an explanation as to why she gave her up.

I’m not complaining though, I love my new family. I became very close to one the brothers of this strange new family.


I would connect these two sentences together, maybe like: I'm not complaining though, as I love my new family and have become very close to one of the brothers attending the school.

Mica is the youngest brother, however he is just as powerful as Peter, the eldest.


Two things with this. 1) Don't start this with "Mica". Just use "he" because in the previous sentence, you end with "Mica" and it just sounds odd. 2) I get that you are trying to tell us a little bit about Mica's unordinary power, but when you mention Peter, I just get cofused because you haven't formally introduced him yet. Try to phrase this without overwhelming the reader too much.

When Peter was just a baby, the Demon King, Sammael, sent his minions after the coven to both kill and try to turn Peter evil.


I would use instead of "and try to turn Peter evil", use "or try to turn Peter evil"

The coven dedicated their lives to helping Peter with his troubles, but he never needed it. Peter could indeed defend himself with his active powers.


I would connect these two, maybe like: The coven dedicated their lives to helping Peter with his troubles, but he never seemed to need it, for his powers were strong enough to defend himself on his own. or something like that.

Remember when you were little, and you saw a glass orb with electrical currents dancing around in pretty blue and purple colors?


I wouldn't address the reader like this. It just breaks your flow. Try to reword this so you don't use "you" anywhere in it.

Being half human, I have one small active power, which, in a house with the most powerful witches in all of the astral worlds, kind of takes a hit on one’s self esteem.


What is her active power? Go into more detail here.

Starting at my toes and working its way up to my knee, sharp pains that felt like sticking my leg in a box of nails started throbbing.


This is oddly worded. Maybe try to rewrite it.

She was jealous of the relationship Mica and I shared as we grew up together.


How did they grow up together? I would be more specific here.

It showed in her face. She was tall and tan. She had long brown hair that flowed straight behind her as she walked like a veil. She never had to wear much makeup to intensify her eyes. They were already a striking green. She is part wood nymph, and they all have almost neon green colored eyes.


In the beginning of this paragraph, you say that it shows in her face how she feels about their relationship. But then you go on to talk about Beonca's looks. First, before doing that, I would describe whatever face expression you were talking about in the beginning.

“She is my sister!” he snapped. “Phoebs and I have been siblings since we were kids, Beonca. You know this. I’ve told you a million times there is nothing between us.”


She's his sister? Huh? I think you mean that they act like siblings, right? If you mean that, just say it instead of phrasing it like this.

was swelling and a ring of dark purple formed like a ankle around my foot.


I think you mean "anklet" right?

“Then I’ll just have to kill you.” She shrugged. “Works for me.”

I rolled me eyes. “He is going to realize that you two are playing different sides. And when he does, I hope he kills you.”

She let out an evil laugh. “So naive.” She knelt down beside the couch to be more my eye level. “I will kill you,” she said in a dark tone.


Whoa! This seems a little overdramatic for a bunch of teenagers. Try to use something else beside "kill". Maybe use "ruin social status" or "rumors" or something childish like that that the reader can relate to.

~ ~ ~ ~

Well, that was mighty interesting, Jazz. I've missed your literary entertainment over these long weeks :wink:

The only thing that I will point out about this is the transition from her talking about Peter's history to suddenly being in the school levatating things. I think you need to work on smoothing that out.

Otherwise, I look forward to more of this :D




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Sat Dec 06, 2008 6:41 pm
CastlesInTheSky wrote a review...



jasmine12 wrote:This is new...still working on it. Any type of suggestions are welcome. And any type of criticisms are welcome as well. Harsh works!!!!


Yay! Jasmine you're back! *applause*

Okay, harsh parts first.
The main problem I have with the first parts of this story is that there's a lot of telling, and not enough showing. You tell us far too much about the history of these people, what happened to them, who they are, when what you really should be doing is showing us this through events in chapters, as we read.

While “telling” can be useful, even necessary, most people don’t realize how vital “showing” is to an effective story, essay, or even a blog post. Showing allows the reader to follow the author into the moment, to see and feel and experience what the author has experienced. Using the proper balance of showing and telling will make your writing more interesting and effective.

Here are some tips to show instead of telling.

:arrow: 1. Use dialogue

This is probably one of the first things my teacher has us do when he makes us write personal essays. Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there. Instead of telling the reader your mom was angry, they can hear it for themselves:

“Justin Michael,” mom bellowed, “Get in here this instant!”

Crappiest example ever, but you get what I mean. Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood.

:arrow: 2. Use sensory language

In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.

:arrow: 3. Be descriptive

I’m sure everyone remembers learning to use adjectives and adverbs in elementary school. When we’re told to be more descriptive, it’s easy to go back to those things that we were taught. But being descriptive is more than just inserting a string of descriptive words. It’s carefully choosing the right words and using them sparingly to convey your meaning.

The following example is from a short story I wrote.

Telling: He sits on the couch holding his guitar.

There’s nothing wrong with that sentence. It gives the reader some basic information, but it doesn’t create an image. Compare that sentence with this:

Showing: His eyes are closed, and he’s cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover. It’s as if he’s trying to hold on to something that wants to let go.

The second example takes that basic information and paints a picture with it. It also uses figurative language—in this case, the simile “cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover”—to help create an image.

When using description, it’s important not to overdo it. Otherwise, you can end up with what I call “police blotter” description. For example:

He was tall, with brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a red shirt and jeans, and a brown leather jacket.

:arrow: 4. Be specific, not vague

Instead of writing, for example, “I had never felt anything like it before in my entire life,” take the time to try and describe what that feeling was, and then decide how best to convey that feeling to the reader. Your readers will thank you for it.

Technicalities

“What the hell are you doing?” She asked, shoving his arm.


'She' shouldn't be capitalised.

He stared at her bewildered.


Comma after 'her'.

“You don’t feel one ounce of guilt?” Beonca shook her head.


The 'Beonca' bit should be on the next paragraph.

“That’s disturbing. She could be hurt.”


Make a new paragraph for this, as it's a new person.

It was swelling and a ring of dark purple formed like a ankle around my foot.


Do you mean 'formed on my ankle' ? Because a ring can't really form like an ankle, it's a bit of a strange simile choice. :wink:

“I’ll be right back, Phoebs.” Mica said, gently wipping away yet another forgotten tear.


Wiping is spelt with one 'p'.

“I know what you’re trying to do,” Beonca said, he back to me and the couch. “It won’t work.” Her voice turned into a harsh whisper.


You've missed out the 'r' in 'her'. As in 'Beonca said, her back.'

“Shut up,” I snapped back at her. “This has nothing to do with your boy toy.”


Do you mean toy boy? :?

I rolled me eyes.


You mean 'my'.

She knelt down beside the couch to be more my eye level.


I think you mean 'to be more at my eye level.'

One second, you are staring at you’re opponent, the next, you can see right through them. They just disappear without a trace.


'your' shouldn't have an apostrophe, as it's possessive.


Okay, jasmine. I'm quite intrigued. You have some great ideas here and it's obviously going to be an interesting story.

The problem is, obviously the huge info dump at the beginning, and the fact that you're focusing too much on action, instead of character developement. The first chapter should obviously attempt to pull the reader in, but you have so much happening here it merely serves to bewilder us. Try to take it a bit more slowly, break this all up into several chapters. Use the first chapter as a base for character developement. Show us more about the main character's personality- her flaws, her mannerisms, her physical apperance, the way she interacts with others, her comfort zones. That will give the reader something to empathise with, so they'll actually care about what happens to the character.

Good luck, jasmine! I'm so glad you're back.

-Sarah





For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein