He told us to open our notebooks to a blank page and to start writing. He didn’t specify what to write about, just write. I stared at him as he sat behind his desk, his chair squeaking against the linoleum floor. He whipped his chin with his hand and scanned the class for anyone rebelling against his stupid request. I looked down at my paper before his eyes could connect with mine.
I stared at my open notebook, the empty page haunting my thoughts. What the hell could I possibly gain by writing whatever was on my mind? I’d realize how much of an outcast I really was. I’d learn that everyone at school hated me because I was shy. Yeah, that’s something to gain all right.
I picked up my purple inked pen and began to doodle in the margin of my paper. He always made a little comment about my doodles with his stupid red pen on every paper I’ve handed in. This makes the page messy. I’d prefer if you’d doodle elsewhere. His comments didn’t make me stop. He and every other teacher I’ve ever had have commented on my doodles. Why would I change that? It is part of my personality that they should accept. But do they? Nope, never.
“Now class,” he said in his raspy tone. He always sounded like he should clear his throat, like there was a frog stuck on the back of his tongue wiggling to get free. I couldn’t help the slight smile that formed on my face. The image was too funny to ignore.
“Remember to free write here, no one will read it besides me. I’m not collecting this until the very end.”
None of my fellow classmates look up to meet his gaze, none but me. He was staring at some cheerleader he had assigned to the seat right in front of his desk. Lucky for her, all of the jocks formed around her. The blond bimbo didn’t even see the looks the teacher gave her. But I saw. I always see little things like that.
That is what happens when you are an observer like I am. You see the world, but do not participate in it. I was completely fine with that until I was told that it was wrong. I should be outgoing and bubbling with joy every minute of every day. I should be wearing my light brown hair in low pig tails with orange and black—our school colors—ribbons wrapped around them. I should trace my pale green eyes with thin eyeliner and powder my face with layers and layers of makeup. I should try out for sports and join clubs.
Do I do these things?
Nope, never.
I quickly glance around the room. The cheerleader was whispering to ‘boy toy of the week’ with our teacher completely clueless. A couple of girls were passing notes, probably concealing their weekend plans and how they are over come with joy of lying to their parents and sneaking out. A few of my classmates where actually writing, lost, empty sentences with no legitimate purpose.
Indeed, a stupid request.
I brought my pen to the page, my thoughts uncontrollably pouring out in mad scribbles.
Dear Mr. Teacher,
You asked us to write. Write what? What is it that you would spend your pathetic time reading? Not one of my fellow classmates will be honest and tell you what is really going on, and the ones that do are ridiculous. I don’t see the point in journaling your problems. It solves nothing. Nothing!
If it’s because you have no life outside of this school, then I could understand. But, you tell us about your condo in Costa Rica, you tell us about your dream of opening a chain of sporting goods stores in exotic lands. Any yet here you sit, teaching high school students about ‘self help’ and other useless topics.
Does this satisfy you, Mr. Teacher? Have I completed my assignment for the day? If I haven’t, then I shall continue.
Your teaching methods are strange. They do not teach me things that I would suspect should be taught in a grade eleven health class. Not once have you muttered the words ‘Just say no!’ or ‘Don’t do drugs!’
Huh, maybe I’m just missing something.
Well, Mr. Teacher, have I fulfilled your requirements for today? If not, then please accept my apologies for I have nothing further to comment.
Until tomorrow.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Heya Jazz!
I loved this! The main character made me laugh and I could really relate to her - who knows how many times we've all felt like strangling a teacher? lols
Anyway, I've got one more nitpick for you:
Personally I'd say with the joy instead of with joy. I dunno it just seems to flow more.
Well that was a bit of a pathetic critique
Well, off to read the next part!
happy-go-lucky
I really like this. Your character has a very distinct personality that is quite honestly extrememly different from any character I have read about before. She's an outcast, yes, but she doesn't seem like the type that would hide in the corner like most outcasts. She seems almost defiant in her status as an outcast, and that lends her a steely quality that really speaks in your writing.
I love the part where she's writing to her teacher. She's saying what basically every student wants to say to some teacher at some point. I wanted to say it to my math teacher last year. It gives your character a very real quality, so people reading it can connect with her. It was very refreshing I enjoyed it very much.
Wow, that girl is a rebellious one
I liked this. The girl was real. She didn't beat around the bush. It was refreshing
I think their are some things that you could clear up or maybe tweak a little:
1) The "blonde bimbo and her jock buds". Yes, High School cheerleaders and jocks, a ususal topic for HS writings. But try to step outside the box on that one. I don't think their are any blonde cheerleaders at my school, but their are brainless jocks...I guess I would just suggest to try to create your own world, you know?
2) The Letter All righty, the letter itself was good but doesn't she fear getting in trouble, anything like that? Try to include some of her emotions as she writes.
Other than that, good job
*on to Part Two*
He told us to open our notebooks to a blank page and to start writing. He didn’t specify what to write about, just write. I stared at him as he sat behind his desk, his chair squeaking against the linoleum floor. He whipped his chin with his hand and scanned the class for anyone rebelling against his stupid request. I looked down at my paper before his eyes could connect with mine.
Beautiful narrative control.
the empty page haunting my thoughts.
Lovely imagery.
I picked up my purple inked pen and began to doodle in the margin of my paper.
Should ink be in the past tense or simple "ink" ? I'm not sure
He always made a little comment about my doodles with his stupid red pen on every paper I’ve handed in. This makes the page messy. I’d prefer if you’d doodle elsewhere. His comments didn’t make me stop. He and every other teacher I’ve ever had have commented on my doodles. Why would I change that? It is part of my personality that they should accept. But do they? Nope, never.
It's details like this that make a story real.
“Now class,” he said in his raspy tone. He always sounded like he should clear his throat, like there was a frog stuck on the back of his tongue wiggling to get free.
Should 'wiggling' be 'wriggling' ?
.
I quickly glance around the room. The cheerleader was whispering to ‘boy toy of the week’ with our teacher completely clueless.
Do you mean 'toy boy' ?
A few of my classmates where actually writing, lost, empty sentences with no legitimate purpose.
Very nice phrasing.
Well, Mr. Teacher, have I fulfilled your requirements for today? If not, then please accept my apologies for I have nothing further to comment.
Until tomorrow.[/i]
Well, Jasmine.
I have to say, you've outdone yourself. I'm thoroughly impressed.
Your writing's always been brilliant, but I've never seen you do something of this quality, something quite as perceptive and honest as this.
I really, really love it. There's a bittersweet, melancholy message lying in between the lines of this story, concealed by a blunt simplicity.
It's beautiful. Just beautiful.
Sarah
xxx
This was really good. You write with a maturity that I haven't seen very often on this site. Um, but yeah, so, keep up the good work.
Hey there.
First off, some general comments:
I feel like there should be more to this sentence. You say that the chair squeaks on the floor, but you also say that he is sat behind his desk....surely he needs to be moving the chair to produce a noise from it? Perhaps he is rocking on his chair?
'Whipped' should be 'wiped'. I reckon that 'rubbed' works better though.
I think you could put this into one sentence using a dash.
Should 'of lying' be 'about lying'?
'Any' should be 'And'.
I enjoyed your writing style, the honesty of the narrator. I think that this piece was good but just touched the surface of something that could potentially be a lot better. It was fairly short and the reader doesn't really learn anything about the motives of the narrator - why she is how she is.
I think that you could go a little bit more in-depth, especially with your characterisation. Your description was good but again, can be improved, with just more of it.
Overall, a good piece of work.
Keep writing,
Alainna
xxx
Well, I've already given you my kudos via AIM, but for the sake of upping my review count by one - here goes.
Can't wait till the next part!
I really enjoy this. Just the thought of the girl sitting there, writing out her rant to shove down the teacher's throat. The small voice that's never heard finally roaring out over the murmur of everyday normalcy.
Hey! Evenstar here.
He always sounded like he should clear his throat, like there was a frog stuck on the back of his tongue wiggling to get free.
Interesting twist on an oft-used phrase.
Do I do these things?
Nope, never.
Nice. This made me laugh.
A couple of girls were passing notes, probably concealing their weekend plans and how they are over come with joy of lying to their parents and sneaking out.
You want "overcome", not "over come".
A few of my classmates where actually writing, lost, empty sentences with no legitimate purpose.
"Were", not "where".
I liked this. Let me know if you do more.
~Evenstar
Ohhhhh, I really like this! I really like this! It's so real! I want to read more! I love how the MC is...is...I don't what to call it, but I love it! Haha!
Anyway, I didn't see any errors. That's good.
I really like this! Please PM when you post the next chapter!
-Krisy