Sam And The Worlds: The Apocalypse
Prolouge
"The apocalypse is coming, and if they die, we die." Alex stared
into the sky as if asking it a question and waiting for an answer.
" I know, so we must help them." I said watching the others emerge and
come to stand beside us.
Violet was next to me. She took my hand into hers and squeezed.
Alex took my other hand. The circle was formed. I glanced to Violet.
Her eyelids were closed. I closed my eyelids and concentrated. The
back of my eyelids was all I saw, complete blackness. A swirl of
colors, mixing together lit up the darkness and I felt myself suddenly
being swooped into a vortex. I longed so much to open my eyes and
see what it looked like, but I knew I couldn't. I would mess it up. With
out any warning, my feet hit the ground hard. My eyelids fluttered
open and I was looking at a completly cemented room. No windows.
One door. In our secret hideaway. Underneath the Statue Of Liberty.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Death Machine: Chapter OnePoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well..this I have to say is a little bit standard as far as the premise here is concerned. I suppose its mostly because this is simply referred to as the coming of some random apocalypse rather than anything specific or unique which is fine for a prologue I think, the idea of an apocalypse is I think enough to get our attention as readers here.
One thing that especially got my attention is unlike in a lot of apocalypse scenarios, it seems as if this particular team of people are actually very prepared for it, and there's hints of some advanced technology and careful planning. That's not too common to see in stories like this one, so I'm excited to see what you've managed to do with that.
On top of that this description for that little bit of what I assume is some sort of teleportation was quite nicely done. It seemed like a very interesting sort of procedure with everyone holding hands and arriving at the same time. I wonder how that's going to be playing into the story at large. Overall, I think you've done a pretty good job here with this piece. There's a good amount of suspense flying about here and enough mystery that as reader's we do find ourselves wanting to read and find out more about what happens.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
: ) Thanks For The Review And Advice! I Will work on that!
Thanks
Hi, I'm Jet, and welcome to YWS! In future, before you post work, spell check it first. The title should be, "The Apocalypse: Prologue", and that spelling of apocalypse applies to the whole prologue.
NB: Before I begin, I think this is pretty harsh, so steel yourself. I'm just trying to help!
This is very short, even for a prologue. Is this necessary for the reader? I'd recommend you think about the purpose and meaning of your prologue and consider whether it adds anything that can't be worked into Chapter 1. Personally, I don't think we really understand or gain any knowledge of character or situation from reading the prologue, in which case, it's ornamental and I'd delete it. You can work the situation or a reference to it into Chapter 1. Otherwise, especially if you dive in with a completely different plotline, the reader will just forget that one little paragraph at the beginning of your novel.
Well, actually, it's one big paragraph. I'd space this out properly, i.e. with a line between each paragraph and each line stretching to the edge of your post. It's just another way of making your story more attractive for reviewers and easier to read - add that to a correctly spelled title, and "The Apocalypse" is sure to draw readers in.
A few nitpicks here, from the story itself.
Revised: "I know, so we must help them," I said, watching the others emerge and come to stand beside us.
Are there others? At the moment it appears that it's just Violet and Alex and the MC. We get no sense of any other characters being present. As I said, I think this prologue asks more questions than it does provide any answers, or give any hooks. You don't want to confuse and alienate the reader on the first page.
From there, you have a lot of sentences which are all very short, and without any description. You tell us a lot rather than describing it and don't vary the style. If you want to keep this, you'll have to lengthen it, and in doing so, give us a bit more variety in your language.
You don't really close your "eyelids". You close your eyes.
Revised: A swirl of colors mixed together and lit up the darkness; I felt myself suddenly being swept into a vortex.
This sentence sounds very out of place with the otherwise fairly formal style you've employed. This sounds like a child's voice. I'd reword it, and also start a new paragraph after it.
Here, it should be "without". From there, the ending fell a bit flat for me. I didn't understand what had happened, and regardless of whether that was intended or not, it doesn't make me want to read more.
To be honest, this just seems incredibly fragmented and quite odd to read. It doesn't establish any characters, or revel in beautiful descriptions, nor does anything seem to happen. This is definitely one of those prologues, I'd say, that you can cut, because it'll take away from your novel rather than add to it. I've given you grammar corrections nonetheless in case you decide to keep it, but I think this would require a lot of revision if you intend to do so. At the moment, the reader has nothing to hook them or keep them occupied.
However, you've clearly got a plotline decided on, so plough on with the novel and ensure that next time, you spell check before you post. Remember the NB up top - the last thing I want to do is discourage you from writing any more. In fact, if anything, I'd advise that you take some time off the novel and write a few short stories to hone your writing technique and develop a style. I hope to see more of your work and reviews around.
- Jet.
Thank You!
I can't wait to read your first chapter! This was an excellent prologue I really enjoyed reading it and couldn't get enough. There was just one nit pick though. which is where you write with out it should be with-out.