If I had a heart, it should have stopped beating along time ago. It didn't. I got to my feet and kept walking like nothing had happened.Thunder clapped in the sky and drops of ice cold rain fell onto my head.The wet gravel became hard pavement underneath me. I pelted off to the side of the road and behind a tree as a man on a hover board soared past me. I was tempted to kill him. Tempted to catch up with the man and rip him to pieces. His flesh being ripped apart and the smell of blood in the air. I thought about it for a moment then shook my head, I had other work to do. I stayed towards the side of the road and jogged on. Soon enough, I spotted my target. He was limping weakly on his left foot and gripping the bloody knife he had used to give me another belly button. He thought he killed me. The only way to kill me is by fire. But only Professor Blaire and I know that. I sprinted in front of the man and grinned my crooked grin. His look of satisfaction faded and he weakly raised his knife. I made a "come and get me" gesture with both hands. The man started to stagger towards me then his step faltered. His weapon clattered to the ground and he took off down the road, screaming for help.
"What a baby." I muttered to myself and unsheathed my knife. My feet pounded on the pavement as I chased after the man. I spotted the outline of his limping figure moments later. I stood in front of him, so close that if I had a heart, he could have heard it beat.
"Hello how's your evening? Ready to die?" I hissed in his ear. I watched him shiver in terror. Yes, I usually had that effect on people. I smirked at him and shoved my knife into his stomach. The man cried out in excruciating pain. I took two steps back and he fell forward to his knees. I pulled my knife back out of him and bent down to wipe it on the grass. His cries faded and he fell completely forward. I took one last look at my latest victim. He lay on the pavement in a puddle of his own blood. I sheathed my knife and walked off into the night.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Wolf Creek: The Quest Chapter OnePoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is some start here for a first chapter. Not too often that we see murderous urges being depicted quite so vividly in the very first paragraph of a story, but considering this particular title here, I'm not exactly surprised. There's certainly a lot going on in this one with regards to killing and while you take a bit of time to establish a general setting, it is fairly vague for the moment so we don't quite know under what circumstances, these murderous urges are materializing every so powerfully. At any rate, it does very quickly get your attention as a reader.
Hmm, the emphasis now on the heart seems to suggest that this lack of a heart is literal rather than what I initially assumed which is in a more metaphorical sense. Well, that certainly makes things very interesting here as we see this one hunt down a person actively wanting to kill them.
Well that little act tells us quite a lot about what sort of person this is. I get the distinct feeling here that this one enjoys the power that comes with fear and enjoys killing others for whatever reason it is that they do so. There's also a distinct sense that they enjoy pain as the choice of their stab point seems to indicate, because that is one of the places here you can kill a person rather slowly. Well, this is a fairly powerful opening part here. I think you do a pretty good job of getting readers hooked here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
No problem.
Alrighty! Thank You Very Much!
Hello jDawn, I'm Stealth_Slicer.
). I went through and ironed it out a bit for you, corrections are in bold.
I like it so far but your writing needs work (No offence
If I had a heart, it should have stopped beating along time ago. It didn't.
I got to my feet and kept walking like nothing had happened. Thunder clapped in the sky, and drops of ice-cold rain fell onto my head. The wet gravel became hard pavement underneath me. I pelted off to the side of the road and behind a tree as a man on a hover board soared past me.
I was tempted to kill him. Tempted to catch up with the man and rip him to pieces.
The smell of blood in the air, and the thought of ripping his flesh apart. (Wording) I thought about it for a moment then shook my head; I had other work to do.
I stayed towards the side of the road and jogged on. Soon enough, I spotted my target. He was limping weakly on his left foot, and gripping the bloody knife he had used to give me another belly button. He thought he killed me.
The only way to kill me is by fire; but only Professor Blaire and I know that.
I sprinted in front of the man and grinned my crooked grin. His look of satisfaction faded and he weakly raised his knife. I made a "come and get me,” gesture with both hands.
The man started to stagger towards me, but (Wording?) his step faltered. His weapon clattered to the ground and he took off down the road, screaming for help.
"What a baby," I muttered to myself and unsheathed my knife.
My feet pounded on the pavement as I chased after the man, and I spotted the outline of his limping figure moments later. I stood in front of him, so close that if I had a heart (No need for a comma) he could have heard it beat.
"Hello how's your evening? Ready to die?" I hissed in his ear. I watched him shiver in terror. Yes, I usually had that effect on people. I smirked at him and shoved my knife into his stomach; he cried out in excruciating pain.
I took two steps back and he fell forward to his knees. I pulled my knife back out of him, and bent down to wipe it on the grass. His cries faded, and he fell completely forward. I took one last look at my latest victim; he lay on the pavement in a puddle of his own blood. I sheathed my knife and walked off into the night.
I'm sure that there will be things I have missed (Grammar isn't my strong point hehe).
Anyway I like what you have done so far; and here is a tip for you:
When the situation changes or when something new happens make it a separate paragraph. You can also start a new paragraph if the event/situation is staying the same, but is getting a bit too long.
All the best
Stealth
Note: This Is Not The Complete Chapter One. The Rest Will Be Posted later