You Failed.
What types of emotions does that bring up?
Ones of happiness, sadness, gladness, madness?
No, it gives me hope for the future
and of what's up ahead.
As I make careful decisions
for I hang on a thread.
I try not to trip up
get my feet caught up in these lies
"Grades don't mean anything"
said the demon in disguise.
Giving fake consolation
in my moment of despair.
My head hangs low near the paper that's bare.
I look down to my hands
becoming pruny and withered
I'm losing hair by the second.
I'm feeling less remembered.
Years go by with a snap
I'm left with nothing but to weep.
As my life is suddenly wasted
out of my mouth not a peep.
I'm alone in the crumbs
of what's left of me.
Trying to put myself together
piece by piece I see,
that there's no hope for me now
no place I can't feel the toll.
So I just let go and fall back
right down the rabbit's hole.
. . .
I feel a tap
I wake now
The teacher's smiling face.
She informs me
that she messed up
and gave me the wrong test.
The paper says F
and my hopes go up
waiting for this chance at redemption.
She gives the new
and take the old
As I look for the change.
I then realize
that there is none
and I am stuck with an F.
There is no hope
for all is gone
As I know now that I have failed.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,798 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
In one place you start with a capital letter
on others-you do not.
That poem shows your feelings and what you feel when you are in such a situations.It makes us,the readers,relate also because every each of us fails and this is for sure.The thought that you had put in this poem is amazing and understandable.You don't find rhyme everywhere but for me atleast it was not needed because everything was good by itself.If the rhyme was there,it was not forced..well sometimes it was forced but you had tried to find way to connect it will everything else.I really liked it.And it is something every person can understand.
Amazing poem. It clearly describes your feelings about failure. Yes, you would be fed up with this but I would say don't give up. Stand up every time you fall. You are smarter than you think. The poem is engaging and it's very beautiful. It puts a reader in a deep thinking about the writer. Anyways, you have done a really good job. This poem clearly reflects the emotions.
But when you introduces a new line in a poem it should start with a capital word. Try to improve your capitalization of words otherwise this poem is nice.
Have a good upcoming time. And never ever lose hope. Keep writing like this
Mahvash.
Thanks for the review Mahvash, and I'm glad that it made you think that's what I hope to do with all of my poems.
~g1ldv
Welcome
Keep it on!
This poem is beautiful and relatable. I feel like this poem is out of experience. You did a good job of giving the reader the message. I like how you made the poem understandable.
As for what you could have done better. I feel like your rhymes were forced. You don't need every line to rhyme. Like where you put:
"there's no hope for me now
no place I can't feel the toll.
So I just let go and fall back
right down the rabbit's hole."
I feel like you didn't need to put the part about falling down the rabbit's hole. I might have put
"I can tell, there is no hope for me now,
there is nowhere I can to escape the toll.
I just lay my head back, I frown. I now realize
that I am slowly falling down the rabbit's hole,
deep into the depths of my despair"
Alright, so I included the part about the rabbit hole, but I would have reworded it. The way that I rewrote your stanza to me made it flow better. If I were you, I would go through and edit all of your stanzas to improve them. Add better words maybe add more words. This poem is great and has a lot of potential. You don't have to take my advice because that is just how I would write it. Either way, it is beautiful.
Have a good day and keep writing! If you ever need anything, feel free to ask me I will do all that I can!
-Anne Throckmorton
Thanks Anne, for the review! I was just wondering since I've gotten that comment before on previous poems that my rhymes seem forced, what would be the difference between a forced one and one that's natural and how could I be able to tell them apart.
well, for me I just write and try not to rhyme. When I feel like rhyme is forced it kind of seems like it doesn't belong in the poem or like you are trying too hard. Things like your rhymes seeming forced usually leave you when you are really into the poem or when you become a better writer. No worries though, i struggle with the same thing
Beautiful !!
Thanks