Crrrrrrrrr....
The sound of the dirt road
beneath the 4 wheels.
Feeling trapped
in this metal box
that's engulfed by darkness.
Ratatatat...
Trees hitting the side
trying to force their way in.
Waiting patiently for that moment
to creep past the clear window
and latch onto the driver's unprotected body.
Clink, Clank, Clunk... Crash
A brown bottle breaks on the floor.
In several different pieces
just like snowflakes.
But, the driver goes on
without a care in the world.
Vrooooommmmmmm...
The vehicle speeds up quickly
as the driver just sits there.
He can't view what's up ahead
for their's nothing to see
except fate...
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139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
'Ello, it's Cello here to review!
I'm going to start out in the worst way possible- with a nitpick.
An ellipse (the '...') should only ever have three dots. Above, you use four. I'm always one to say 'focus on the big picture in reviews' but here I am, pointing out the small things. I'm sorry but using more than three dots just always catches my attention.
Okay, another nitpick, but a lesson at he same time. You're '4' should be 'four'. The topic of when to write out numbers is a hot debate topic and I advise you to do some research on it (as I personally find it very interesting). Some people say that all numbers nine and below are to be written out while others say ten and below and others go as far as one hundred and below. I personally choose depending on what I'm writing. The point of the matter is that in all views, numbers as small as four should be written out in words.
The next part, 'feeling trapped', doesn't really work for me. With the say you start out this line, I take the four wheels and make them the subject of this sentence without meaning to. I'm imagining that the wheels are what feel trapped. I doubt this is your aim. I would suggest either adding a clear subject to this line or rewording it all together (though I prefer the first option). 'Driver, feeling trapped' or 'The man, feeling trapped'. It's a simple fix. Reading this line over and over again though, I'm beginning to questions your punctuation. I personally don't tend to take the approach you're chosen when it comes to punctuation in poetry so I'm not experience enough to say if it's right or wrong. Something inside me tells me it's wrong though. Maybe more research? (Sorry to be giving you so much 'homework')
Again, you're written a line without a clear subject. 'Trees hitting the side'. It's fairly clear what's going on here but you shouldn't be leaving the readers to assume or guess (at least not in this way). It's important that you keep things clear. 'Trees hitting the side of the car'.
Here I can say that your punctuation is definitely wrong. In the third and fourth line you are clearly still talking about the branches. You need to end the second line with a comma to properly connect these two thoughts.
I'm not a fan of this simile. Snowflakes break into several different pieces? Maybe you're trying to get across that the pieces are all different, but it's not coming across clearly, at least not for me. You need to make it clear that it's the pieces, not the breaking, that you're comparing to the snowflakes.
Again with the punctuation. I haven't fully read this article (only scanned it) but it seems to explain things fairly well. Please check it out.
http://lamonaca.deviantart.com/art/Punc ... -103788331
Again, something's not working for me. It's the first line this time. If you're saying the vehicle is speeding up, people assume that this is happening quickly. 'You're such a hypocrite! You said not to let readers assume!' Yes, I know, but this is different. This is using the meaning of the word to assume rather than using our knowledge of the world to guess. The word 'quickly' here is redundant and I'd suggest that you remove it.
I'm also not a fan of the second line. Yes, the driver is driving without a care, oblivious to his fate, but he's not 'just sitting there', he's still driving. 'and the driver drives without a care' We all know he's doing the action. The car isn't driving itself. Don't make it sound like he's not. The fact that the man in driving is important to the story so be careful that your wording doesn't erase that key element.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
Hello!
I like your use of onomatopoeia in this poem! It's a nice bit of repetition in here.
That being said, there's still room for improvement.
I don't know if "ratatatata" is the right noise for branches whacking the side of the vehicle. It's usually more random in my experience, though I haven't driven off road too often. Maybe bang, thwump, pacpac, or other random noises cobbled together would fit better.
In the first stanza, you mention that the driver feels trapped, but it seems like his emotions only exist in that stanza. Try to carry on how he feels throughout the whole poem. It's important!
Fate as a road is a very overused concept. Maybe you should think about adding something different to the metaphor. Maybe he can't see very far ahead because it's dark outside, and his headlights aren't working. I think you should keep the metaphor as realistic as possible in order to have the greatest effect on your audience.
Also, you should change "their's" to "there's" because their is possessive, while there is referring to something.
By saying that the vehicle speeds up without the driver doing anything, are you saying that people are not the masters of their own fate, or that time is passing more quickly? I think that you should decide which one you want to illustrate, and illustrate it more throughout the poem. If someone can't control their own fate, then how are they protecting themselves with the vehicle from the branches? I'm a little confused.
Altogether, this is nice, but it could use some work. Think about the concept you want to convey and use it throughout the whole poem, not just at the end. Happy review day, and keep writing!
First of all, I really like how you use onomatopoeia to divide the stanzas, in a way. The use of emphasis in the form of italics also reinforces that division. While the message is less obscure than in most poems, I think it works well in this piece. One minor punctuation thing I noticed would be the third and fourth lines in the third "stanza."
"just like snowflakes.
But, the driver goes on"
It may flow better if you combine the two by changing the period to a comma and removing the original comma. Overall, I thought it was a very nicely written poem. Well done!
Hey there. Alright, so stylistically, this poem is refreshing- it's a nice change in style from your norm g1ldv so bravo my friend! With that, I'm going to go pretty in depth for this review so hold on to your seat belts (^haha get it?).
--
"Crrrrrrrrr...."
Starting the poem with an onomatopoeia is a pretty good move given your poem's content. You may want to cut down on the number of letters you use for the sake of protecting the mood and tone of your piece; too many letters in a sound/word effect can evoke a childish atmosphere.
--
"Clink, Clank, Clunk... Crash"
This onomatopoeia is right on. The alliteration with the "c" is very efficient; it literally sounds like the sound a car would make.
--
"Vrooooommmmmmm..."
Refer to my input on "Crrrrrrrrr...."
--
"Ratatatat..."
This, personally, is my favorite one you use. This is just my preference, but it's just euphonious to the reader.
--
I like the matter-of-fact persona you have chosen to narrate this debacle. It's a rather simplistic approach that gets the point across without using "fluffy" language; this diction makes it easy to read and even easier to understand.
--
"Feeling trapped
in this metal box
that's engulfed by darkness."
I love this claustrophobic visual imagery. My biggest suggestion would be to expand on this description- the idea of feeling trapped sells quickly because it is so evocative and frightening.
--
"trying to force their way in.
Waiting patiently for that moment
to creep past the clear window
and latch onto the driver's unprotected body."
By personifying the trees with the terms "force," "creep" and "latch," you give the trees a malicious feel to them; ironically it makes them seem more alive (even though they already are haha).
--
"A brown bottle breaks on the floor.
In several different pieces
just like snowflakes."
I feel that this simile is a little too trite; I would suggest to either expand on the qualities of the bottle or to pick a better comparison- or both if you're feelin' risky
--
"He can't view what's up ahead
for their's nothing to see
except fate..."
This ends a little too quickly for my liking. You might want to revise how you end and make it more profound and less jaded.
--
All in all, I really like this poem and enjoy the branching off you did in style! Keep it up!