Who are you?
. . .
Who am I?
That I'd sit here and watch you right here next to me slowly fading away.
Slowly moving further from where we started.
. . .
Our beginning
as simple as counting to 3.
As simple as adding 1 + 1.
As simple as Geometry?
Not so much?
. . .
We spiral down
and
down
towards
the
point
that
the
word
"hi"
gives
no
response.
. . .
And when we reach that bottom,
which we will.
It will be as if the RESET button is gone.
No way to look at each other and hope
for a future where we can hold hands
running through fields of sunflowers.
For winter is here, and the flowers are all dead.
. . .
Goodbye
Who says it first?
Is it the girl of my dreams?
Or the girl of his dreams?
Now, I don't know.
But maybe one day
you can come
and say
Goodbye.
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139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
Hello, insertwordshere. Miranda here to give you a review! I thought your poem had a deep meaning, and kept through with it. I liked the words you chose to put into your story, because they kept your meaning. One thing I notices was the spiral down stanza.
We spiral down
and
down
towards
the
point
that
the
word
"hi"
gives
no
response.
It made me feel as I was slowly going down, and that is a good thing because that was the concept of that stanza. Another thing I noticed was, the word "that" is in the way.I have to agree with ScytheMeister on that. I feel like "that" is taking away from everything, and could be left out. Or you you could leave the first line out, but I feel as if there is too much meaning in that little sentence. Overall, i liked the concept, feel, and look of this poem. So I have to say that this was beautifully written.
I know I came off a bit harsh, but I didn't mean to. I was just trying to give you my honest opinion. Yes, I know, not everything can be perfect, nor should it be. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!
Keep writing,
Miranda
Hey, insertwordshere! ScytheMeister here for a quick review ^-^
I loved how you used mathematics to in this, however, I felt like the poem itself needs a little more work. There was no flow and some of the lines within the stanzas failed to make sense; for example:
In the second line, you wrote "That I'd sit here and watch you right here next to me slowly fading away." However, you've begun with "that" which fails to make sense. It is almost as though you've previously written a line and although you have (Who am I?) the context of the second line, in no way, fits in with the first. Thus, "that" should be changed. Here is what I suggest for the entire sentence (there are a few changes needed for the whole sentence):
I would then put the last line into a new stanza, because you write "Slowly moving further from where we started" and then the next stanza continues on with the same train of thought. So:
I altered what you said, starting from "That beginning", it just didn't make complete sense. I hope some of it helps
Keep Writing
- ScytheMeister
Hi insertwordshere,
This is AkankshaD for a review.
I liked your topic and the way you crafted this beautiful poem. It is filled with deep thoughts and an inevitable truth.
The paragraph-
Our beginning
As simple as counting 3
As simple as adding 1+ 1
As simple as geometry.?
Not so much.
I was impressed! You made comparison between maths and emotions and a little humour in the last line.
"We spiral down
and
down
towards
the
point
that
the
word
"hi"
gives
no
responce.
As soon as I start reading the words- We spiral down and down towards....
It made me feel that I am actually going down with my emotions. Maybe because of the way you wrote it. one mistake; 's' should replace 'c' in the word 'response' in the last line of this para.
Overall, this poem is a mix of emotions, thoughts and ideas. I really liked this poem.