(Need a little bit of feedback for my Common App college essay that I am working on. The prompt was basically nerd out on a topic you cannot stop talking about, and the wordcount limit is 650, while I am at 618, so not a lot of wiggle room because I do not feel comfortable getting rid of a bunch of things. I mostly need feedback on the execution, but also keeping my voice since I particularly like odd, descriptive sentences and such. Thank you!)
The rapid clicking of the buttons of a keyboard does not reach my ears as I fill the white pages of an empty document with fervor, for the rich harmony of my orchestral track blends with the deep rumble of storm ambiance. The scenes I write unfold before my eyes with such sharpness that I can nearly reach out through my screen and touch the world that bleeds from my fingertips. Such are the moments I delight in whilst pursuing the pulsing interest of an author.
Over the course of my journey, if someone were ever to come to me and ask, “What is your favorite thing about writing?” there would be little hesitation in my fond reply.
“Why, raising my children, of course.”
What does raising children, regardless of having them or not, have to do with writing?
For me, it is everything—the very flesh of the stories I create.
Needless to say, this answer would inspire some confusion, as I am neither married nor a parent, and therefore the entire notion would be considered absurd. If you descended into one of my written tales and perused its pages, you might stumble upon my main protagonist sleeping or struggling through a difficult challenge. Beautifully imperfect, there my child sleeps or struggles, the utter delight of my life.
By means of their trials I am able to weave in threads of my own hardships, perhaps as a way to better understand myself through them, exploring the furthest corners of humanity, for as I grow, they grow beside me. I share in their suffering, but also in their joy. Within me there is celebration for them, for my children are not entirely me, but serve as a fictional extension, shaping my view upon the world—what is concealed within the human heart.
In some ways, I am able to experience the lives of different people, so to speak. I learn who they might become by allowing them to take me by the hand and delve into a world that is unlike ours. The bounds of what I could design are immeasurable, and opening a new document to begin anew feels like the showers of shimmering rain after a drought.
I hear their voices, often urging what path they are to follow, for not only do they exist upon the white page, but they often dwell in my thoughts. As I pass through the mundane of the everyday or participate in an activity, a particular character will come to mind, and I will think, “Oh, they would enjoy this.” Such was my thought as I sat in the plush seats of a theatre, glancing longingly at the vacant seat beside me, desiring for the emptiness to be filled by their existences.
Once in a while, sorrow fringes the folds of my heart, for my dearest companions and cherished children do not exist in the same world as I do. Therefore, I write—if only to grasp for a few brief moments just so I may savor a taste of their presence.
When I complete a story, I am able to share my lovely characters with those around—friends, family, and even strangers, so that I may show off my babies as any pleased parent would. However, just as children grow and eventually leave their parents to begin their own journeys, so does the closure come when a character’s arc is complete. It is painful to let them go and allow them to journey to the minds of those who read my stories, transformed to fit their imagination, yet still my own—but a piece of them remains with me, as well as the memories shared, as I begin once more upon a white page.
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Hey! I am out of class finally, so I wanted to check this out for you!
I really like your voice! You mentioned that you enjoy descriptive sentences, and I think that definitely comes through. There is a very dramatic, old-fashioned richness to the way you describe writing, especially in the opening paragraph. I think that colleges can pick up a lot about who you are as a writer through that! I would not suggest stripping that away completely, because the ornate style feels like part of a deeper side of yourself.
That said, you should be making sure the essay reveals you, not only your characters. The my characters are my children idea is strong, but for a college essay, the reader also needs to come away understanding something specific about you as a person. They want YOU at their college, not your characters! I do think that is already present in places, especially when you say you weave your own hardships into your characters and understand yourself through them. I would love to see that idea brought forward a little more. What has writing taught you about patience, empathy, responsibility, resilience, imagination, or letting go? You do not need to add a whole new story, especially with the word count, but you want to drop more Inks in the narrative!
I do LOVE the theatre moment, where you glance at the empty seat beside you and wish one of them could be there. That is really specific and emotionally clear! I think moments like that are where the essay is strongest, because they show your love of writing instead of only explaining it. If you are applying for English/creative writing, that should be the star of your show! Err, well, star of your essay haha <.<
You did mention not wanting to cut down the essay, but I think you could consider it? Not for the major elements, but you do have some unnecessary things taking up the word count. Another thing I noticed is that your essay repeats the parent/children comparison several times. That metaphor is good, so I definitely think you should keep it, but you might not need to explain it quite as often. For instance, the paragraph beginning with "Needless to say" restates the confusion around raising children, which the reader already understands from the previous exchange. You might be able to condense that section and use the saved words to add a more personal reflection later, relating back to you as a person/student/writer/creative person.
I also think the ending has a lot of potential. The comparison between children leaving their parents and characters leaving the author once readers imagine them for themselves is very thoughtful. Love that! That idea feels mature and very resonant with me personally. I wonder if the final sentence could be more direct though! You end beautifully in tone, but it might land better if the last sentence clearly connects back to why you keep writing. Something along the lines of beginning again on the white page because each story changes you, or because each character teaches you how to see the world differently, could make the conclusion feel less ONLY metaphorical.
I hope this helps! This is one of the more distinctive Common App essays I've read, and I used to be an essay tutor c: Let me know if you have any questions/comments about this review! If you want to chat more about college life, since I am in the midst of it right now, let me know as well. Good luck with your applications!
Aislynn <3
Okay, I wrote this on my phone, so we can excuse the formatting, okay? okay. into the review
and give the essay a distinct, atmospheric flavor that feels authentic to a creative writer.This essay is honestly so beautiful, and using the "raising children" metaphor for your writing process is such a cool move. Your passion for storytelling really jumps off the page, and your imagery is gorgeous.
Here's what I see working!
- Framing your characters as your children is a unique angle for a nerd-out prompt. It shifts the essay from just "I like to write" to a deeper reflection on empathy, psychology, and personal growth.
- Phrases like
Some things to fix
- Because you are already under the word limit, you don't need a massive overhaul, but a few areas feel slightly repetitive. Tightening these will give your writing more breathing room.
The paragraph that reads, spells out the metaphor a bit too explicitly. The reader already understands the connection from your dialogue. You can cut or condense this to save word count.
- Your odd sentences are definitely a strength, but a couple of spots cross the line into slightly distracting syntax:
— "Whilst" and "pulsing interest" feels a bit forced compared to the natural beauty of the storm ambiance mentioned earlier. Consider a simpler ending to that paragraph to let the opening imagery hit harder.
— "Desiring for" is grammatically awkward. "Longing for the emptiness to be filled" or "wishing the emptiness were filled" flows better.
Okay, this is easily one of the most beautiful college app essays i’ve read and it was so much better than mine lol. However, when I was writing for my application—as crushing as it is, there were inevitably some changes that needed to happen. And most of mine had to do with clarity.
While I think that this overall essay had a very clear vision and nice flow, there was definitely some issue with clarity. Especially in the beginning.
As great as this was, you still need to remember that this is a college application, and the person that’s reading this (if it’s not filtered out by some dumb ai because it doesn’t have the right “buzzwords”) would need to read thousands of other applications. Because of this, if a writing is too confusing or they are forced to reread (not out of amazement but out of lack of clarity), then that can definitely become a negative.
I’m not really sure in how I can help, but the best I could do was just point out the parts where I personally stuttered/had to reread.
Yup, we’re starting off strong with the first sentence lol. While I really do love this sentence and all it describes and sings, overly long sentences can cause confusion in the reader. Rather than trying to put everything into this one sentence, it’s okay to split things up a bit. Pacing really does matter when it comes to clarity. If I were to rewrite it, maybe i’d do smt like this(just a suggestion):
The rapid clicks from the buttons of my keyboard do not reach my ears. I’m consumed by filling the white pages of an empty document with fervor, for the rich harmony of my orchestral track blends with the deep rumble of a storm ambiance
What made me reread this part is bc of the slight lack of context. While after a second reread i can see which subject “there” was referring to, i couldnt catch it the first time. But thats kinda more on me ig lol. However, i feel a colon rather than a comma can make the flow a bit more clear.
there my child sleeps or struggles: the utter delight of my life. Don’t be afraid to use colons and semi colons, as they are honestly used a lot more in conversation than you would think. For example, “I was really surprised by the news; he turned out to he the culprit.” You already use such colorful language, that I dont think it’ll be hard for you to implement them. They can come in handy at times as well!
Finally, not much of a critique but more of a complement: the way the latter half of your essay flows is really awesome. You put into such elegant words what it feels like to be writing and it was definitely the strongest part of the essay.
I think I saw some run on sentences and some grammatical errors here and there, but those can be easily fixed by spellcheck so dont sweat over them too much. Good luck on your applications and may the odds ever be in your favor <3
Gosh, writing at 1am makes it so hard to stay coherent. I hope what i wanted to say was clear lol
Remind me to review this after class! Love it!
Will do! Thank you so much!! <3