Not-So-Real Reality

Hey, Euph! It's Alex, hacking into your account since my password isn't working. xD
Okay, so I take it that you're going to share this piece at your Lincoln Center competition? Grand!

Hi Euph, nice poem.

And there's my Johnny Cash style review. Just kidding.

First off, I disagree with Puss in Boots when he said that "the anger of the poem's voice isn't so enjoyable", as if it's a demerit in the case of this poem. I don't believe for a second that this is the type of poem you're meant to read and think "Oh my, well that was a charming little snippet, now wasn't it? Very enjoyable!" It's the type of poem that if you were to read it out loud in a room full of people, three quarters of them would shuffle uncomfortably in their seats. They would be feeling very self-conscious as they're forced to re-evaluate their morals, the cloak that had shrouded their stupidity and childish insecurities for so long being yanked away, exposing their true hideous selves for everybody else to see. Meanwhile, the final quarter of the room's inhabitants would be trying to fight the urge to stand up and cheer, because someone has finally spoken what has been on the tip of their tongue for so long.

I like to compare this poem to a fist fight, up until the last stanza you're beating the living daylights out of your opponent. Then in the final stanza you knock them to the ground, proving you're better than they are and in the final line you spit in their face, leave them feeling like the they've been hit by a hurricane. I really like the aggression in this and I have to say it's not silly out of control aggression, but rather intelligent and well thought-out controlled aggression. Definitely my favorite thing about this poem. I disagree with Charlie again, when he suggests you make a little more out of the last stanza. I feel that if you do, then you'll lose the above mentioned “hurricane effect”.

However, when you're writing poems or articles such as this and you're talking about something that you believe is a flaw in the modern world, I think it's important to be very careful about saying outright “Look at me, I'm above all of this, I'm the living solution” The reason being that once you admit how you are above what you're frowning upon, then it's an incentive for the reader to say “Oh, wow, what a stuck-up bitch/bastard” and dismiss all the credibility that you hold in your hand. You may not have intended to say “I am a million times better than you” in the final stanza. But in the eyes of the person that this poem targets, it's definitely what it will say to them and as I said above, they'll use this to wave away your credibility.

Perhaps the above is what Charlie was referring to as being “proud and sneering” when someone is angry. However, I don't believe that just because someone is angry or disagrees with what they see in society makes them “proud” (if that's what Charlie was trying to say). I do agree with Charlie when he says that the voice of the poem is very strong and believe he's correct when he says that some of your comments were very witty, I especially liked how they didn't take away from the overall seriousness of the poem.

I wouldn't have a leg to stand on by talking about grammar and/or punctuation, as I stopped both reading and writing for something like three years and my English capability has suffered greatly. (LOL)

Overall, great poem!

I get the message you're trying to send and I like it a lot. The whole poem seemed to have a disappointed and disgusted tone, up until the last paragraph that seemed to suggest aggression, though, and it threw me off for a second. To me, it seemed like it took a sudden vicious turn. I probably should have expected that. Just like Charlie said, I think you should elaborate on that feeling a little more.

I love how you can be incredibly blunt in such a creative way, as well. "I'm in a tornado of trash/Of maelstrom of stupidity" for example, though I think you meant to put an 'a' instead of an 'of'? Your wording keeps things more than interesting.

You mentioned the term "reality television" twice. I'm not sure if you meant the repetition or not, but it seems redundant to me.

Last, I don't think the quotations around "dancing" are needed.

Hey iEuphoria! (Nice avatar, by the way!)

It's an interesting poem you've got here -- on the one hand you have some fantastic phrases and great ideas that I really enjoyed to read, and then on the other hand there is the anger of the poem's voice which wasn't so enjoyable.

In my opinion, anger is the hardest emotion to "get right" in a poem. It's so easy to misjudge it and come across as proud and sneering, and that can make the reader dislike the voice of the poem even if they agree (to an extent) with the sentiment. At least that's how it worked for me -- I think I agree with a lot of what the poem was saying but I can't say that I was entertained by it because it was simply a rant.

That said, in the poem you also have the solution to this: cleverness. You can still say all the things that you want to say, but there are witty ways and clever techniques to make the ugly truth more palatable. For example "Scientists say each time you watch reality TV / Another novel commits suicide" is *brilliant*! The comment is clearly tongue-in-cheek and it throws a bit of humour on the situation while still making the same point. It's witty and clever, and it's not so overtly accusing or ranting -- it's much more entertaining! I'd love to see more of that. Also the wordplay with "the 3 Bs" is fantastic. There's such a lot of potential in this poem to explore!

One thing I should note, though, is that the voice that came through was very strong. I've read a lot of poems on YWS where the phrasing seemed awkward or the line-breaks were in strange positions, but you've constructed this very well. I think this is definitely a strength, and combined with the advice above I think you could have something great on your hands here.

Also you may want to consider making a little more of the last stanza -- it was a different tone to the earlier ones and it provides a powerful shift of pace. This is something that you could flesh out a bit more and explore in more detail -- it's a nice contrast to the venting above.

I think I'll leave it there. Take care and keep posting -- let me know if you have any questions / responses!