Dear Society

IE!

My favourite little browserette, you told me I could tear into this, so I hope you’re ready for whatever it is I happen to say. I’m not sure what it will be yet, but we’ll see!
So! This is an incredibly boring poem. I’m sorry to say it so bluntly, but it’s true. You start with a good first line; it’s a solid and punchy beginning that I very much approve of. Then bam! Boring. You’ve also capitalised every line? You don’t have to do that, if you don’t want to, you can punctuate how you would a regular text, which means only capitalising proper nouns and the start of sentences.

An important tip I can give you whenever you write poetry (and I’ll repeat this on those other poems probably) is to read your poem aloud, you’ll find where you stagger and stammer because those parts have poor flow, which means word changes needed. It also helps with punctuation. (Insert some punctuation!)

I can hear the voice that’s speaking; your narrator is edgy and a little sarcastic and teasing. She isn’t saying anything interesting though. Particularly in that long as fifth line, which is too long, too linear and too bland. You mention in some response that you’re more of a prose writer, it shows here. The thing about poetry is that you can skip connecting words, throw around your sentence structure and play all hell with some description, metaphor and simile and the like. You’re not doing any of that at the moment, you’re giving me a prose piece that’s cut up, and you’re still writing like it’s a story and not a poem. It should, at least, be a letter inside a poem, you know? In this way you could (and I suggest you do) alter your first line to be “Desensitise me, lecture me” because your title can stand in as the introductory “Dear Society.” I would lose “with more of your rules, society” because I feel like that’s way too wordy for this poem. You want to be sharp and punchy. That means fragments and it means short sentences with a lot of guts. I’ve typed a little example below:

“Desensitize me, lecture me,
The world is your aphrodisiac
And you stay tuned every minute,
So you know what’s best.

Giving off new vibes, new trends, and new rules that set the standard of what is “acceptable” < This line is faaaar too long, and too linear like I said. Sum it up instead. I’ve used “so you know what’s best” up above because it is a little snarky and snide but also ties back to the lecturing and the idea of creating the standard.

Your cruel, judging eyes < You use ‘you’ a lot, I suggest using “those” here and cut one of those adjectives. Bump “watching” up against “eyes”
They’re watching me
Every second I breathe < Bump this up against “me,”
You use greed as a weapon
You kill me with your continuous rules I must abide by < Far too obvious here “continuous” is also entirely out of place. I’d strike it.
Got me checkin' out those,
And checkin' out these
I’m not exactly sure just what you want from me < Ask this instead “What do you want from me?”
Mainstream me, disinfect my breed. < If you change the above to a question this works, otherwise I’d swap the two around, start with disinfect.
I'm looking for nirvana, a greater perhaps < could you play with this and say Nirvana instead?
But you decide to over-polish me < This doesn’t fit in at all. I’d strike it.
Anoint me with your lies until I am the ‘perfect’ me < I’d probably also strike this.
The me that you want me to be <If you don’t strike the others, this can stand, otherwise I’d just make it “tell me what…”
If heaven is the goal, well then point me the way < Lose “well then” and “me” here.
I won’t lie my way in, no faking IDs
I’ll die standing, fighting for the right to be me < Consider “I’ll die standing, no fake IDs.” In lieu of these two lines.
Try and break me down, get me by the knees
I promise to never bow down to you
Don't act like you know me because you recognize me < Cooonsider Moving this under the fake IDs line and saying “Act like you know me, you recognise me,/try and break me down/I’ll never bow. (‘/’ represents new line)
You sell my record, not me
I am the music man
And you sell the music
Not the soul that creates it
Not the heart that FEELS the lyrics
You sell my record, not me
For ^ consider v
I am the music man
And you can sell the music,
But never the man.
You sell my record, not me.

So, it isn’t my intention to re-write your poem for you, only give you examples. You have to be comfortable with what you’re writing and what you’re reading, so it has to mean something to you. I’ve altered lines and probably altered meanings along the way, so please ignore anything you don’t like or don’t feel comfortable with.

My biggest advice is to read this poem aloud, add some punctuation and think about how people talk in real life, and then cut out some of those pesky words. This is meant to be an angry, defiant poem, so show us the sharp staccato language people use when they’re frustrated and fighting back. We punctuate our language with pauses and gestures; give your poem the same treatment. The gestures are your description (though I would keep these to a minimum considering the poem’s intent) and the pauses are at the end of your lines, make those line endings count.

“you like to desensitise” (for example) is far less powerful than “Desensitise me”, there’s something incredibly useful about short words, or hard words. They seem to punch where other words glide.

I truly hope this has helped and I haven’t overwhelmed you with things you disagree with!

♥

The writing was quite good. You used lots of good metaphors. I especially liked the one about "I am the music man".

The rhythm was a bit off though. I couldn't find any meaning behind the line breaks. Your irregular use of punctuation (especially period) confused me.

I really don't have a problem with the poem itself, it's the content that feels a little tired. I think it follows too closely the traditional "rant against society" poem. These are a dime a dozen on this website. I think with your writing abilities, you could write a very interesting poem if you took a different approach to the subject matter.

Umm, point-blank WOW.

There's an extra space before 'knees'

"Don't act like you know me because you recognize me"
At first I didn't understand this, but when I read it over again, it hit me as hard as the rest of it did. My favorite part.

"Giving off new vibes, new trends, and new rules that set the standard of what is “acceptable”"
Second favorite part. "acceptable", indeed.

"I'm looking for nirvana, a greater perhaps"
a greater perhaps? Please explain what exactly you mean.

Other than that, cool, and fiery, as far as they can coexist, if you catch my drift.
Thanks for sharing! Happy Thanksgiving! God Bless you!