Dear Father

IE!

Here we are again. I’ll start with the repeat of some basics: You don’t have to begin every line with a capital, and you absolutely need to add some punctuation to this. Just like in prose, punctuation is our guide to pauses and speed in a text, we don’t know how the words connect unless you tell us, and we’re hopeless that way. Read your poem aloud! That will help with line breaks, flow and the punctuation you’re going to add. It’ll also help you get a feel for the tone of your poem, and whether you’re giving the right amount of punch to each line.

Much like in the last poem, this poem is too much prose right now; it has the language of a speech and not a poem. First and foremost (this doesn’t conflict with the first paragraph’s advice, I promise) poems are written to be read, not spoken. The first contact with a poem is on the page, so we’re concerned with aesthetic and image as much as we are content and language. So your lines are awkward in length and look ungainly, and it turns out when you read them out loud, they stay that way.

I’m going to say lose the ellipses. I am almost certain they pretty much never work for anyway, they’re gangly and unpleasant to look at. I’m certainly not thrilled to see them here. They also add a really awkward pause to the line, think of how you’d say that “Memories (pausepausepause) of” - that’s a long pause. I’d also lose all the unnecessary repetition, which is pretty much all of that repetition. The memories gets tired very quickly in conjunction with those ellipses, and the later repetition of the cold world is awkward because it’s so close together. Repetition works well in threes, for some strange reason, if you’re going to repeat do it start, middle end, or around a stanza, not in a great chunk (this is, unless your poem is a poem made up of repetition).


Age 7, you were gone
It was as simple as that to my young, scared eyes < I would say “It was as simple as that” and leave that line there because your language later suggests a young age.
Gone, and not coming back
Why, mommy?
Why isn’t daddy here, mommy?
And before she could respond < consider losing this line and putting “Gone, and not coming back.” here instead? The line is fine here, I just think it might sound better.

Memories of the past seven years come flooding back
Memories… Of hiding in the closet, hoping you wouldn’t find me
Memories…. Of you beating me with the metal pole
Memories… Of you calling me a liar, and beating me refuselessly < Mercilessly, or relentlessly, perhaps? ‘refuselessly’ isn’t a word.
And for what?
Going bowling with my girl scouts troops, when you thought I went with my friends that you didn’t like < this is long and awkward, cut after “troops” and start the next line with “you thought I went with friends you didn’t like” I suppose. (I still find this awkward but have no suggestions how to fix it appropriately beyond removing the line, but the line needs to be here.)

But daddy, I was five at the time < Five seems young to be in the girl scouts? I don’t actually know anything about them though.
Why would I lie?
Memories… of times when my head used to lay on your lap < If you’re going to use this in comparison to the above list, you’ll need to either add more or maybe consciously mention how little this is in comparison. Or make this a very important image of some kind?
Now… All of those moments fade to black, washed away with the images of my head in my hands < Lose “Now…” And consider “washed away by images of my head in my hands” and cutting the line after “images” so “of my” starts the next line.
Countless sleepless nights, wondering where I went wrong, and why you’re still gone <Let “and why” fall down to the next line. And lose “and”
So much for being daddy’s girl < I’d lose this line if you end on the other one below.

When you live in such a cold and abusive world
Though the scars on my pale skin have faded
The wounds on my heart have not
So much for being daddy’s girl < I think you should end on this line, it has a good punch.
When you live in such a cold and abusive world < This repetition doesn’t work at all. It’s too close to the initial use of the line.

Of course remember again this is YOUR poem and whatever I say is just a suggestion in the end (except for “refuselessly” since it really isn’t a word). Good luck with this one.

♥

Amazing poem<3 I felt it near. I think what you wanted to expressed is very well written within the stanzas. No negative critiques. It was just great; juat thoight I'd let you know.

Ohwait! It's you, Furia! XD *waves* Sup?

This is really wonderful... I enjoyed reading it. I found no grammar or spelling errors which is good. Also, different than most others, you care about punctuation rules ) I appreciate it. It was a very well-written poem. Please keep writing...

This is really wonderful... I enjoyed reading it. I found no grammar or spelling errors which is good. Also, different than most others, you care about punctuation rules ) I appreciate it. It was a very well-written poem. Please keep writing...