Masquerade

Hullo IE, my dove. I’m sorry this is so late!
I’ve got a bunch of comments down, and I’ll mention again that each line doesn’t have to be capitalised and please, please add some punctuation. There are several places I’m pretty sure I misunderstood because I read the lines differently to how I think you meant.

This is definitely the better of the three poems. It has a stronger, more interesting narrative with some fun imagery and a good sense of tone. You also use some better language on the whole. On that line, I’ve made comments and I hope they all help.
-
- I can't look into your eyes now, darling
For you will see all of my fears in my shaking eyes < Eyes don’t really shake. I’d lose “in my shaking eyes” because it’s superfluous also, I’d lose “for” and add a comma after the above “darling” to aid flow
Hold onto my weak heart
Just please don’t grip it too hard < I’d say pick ‘just’ or ‘please’ here, only because I’m finding it a bit awkward. I might consider losing “it” also?
Our personalities clash together like a tidal wave <You don’t need “together” here at all and I’d consider swapping “like” for ‘in’ because metaphors are stronger images.
You leave me speechless, shut down <lose “shut down here”
I can’t find the words to explain
What’s really on my mind

You slide your tail between your legs
Shying away from reality
Tell me what’s on your mind
Tell me what you really think < This line is basically the next line, I’d shuck this one because the repetition is a bit awkward and gross.
You never say what you’re really thinking
Inside
You always hide < Accidental rhyme looking all iffy here. Lose “inside”, you don’t need it anyway, you can only think inside anyway.
Behind your masquerade mask
I can’t decode your lies

You’ve always got something to say
You pretend to be someone you’re not
There’s something underneath your smile
Your innocent smile, you’re full of denial
You’re a false show, a pretense, a disguise
- ^ Hectic weak stanza here, I’m not a fan of the whole thing, mostly the accidental rhyme in lines 3&4. If you’re going to rhyme you have to commit to it in some kind of pattern. Even if that pattern is the rhyme only an ending couplet. Otherwise the rhyme stands out and looks weird and awkward. Anything your reader stumbles over visually or mentally/verbally, is a problem in that regard.

We contradict one another
Like iced hot chocolate < I’d lose this line, the next one (without “or”) is much stronger.
Or north and north magnets <omnom. Lose “or” and the line above and this is just gold.
I’m gasoline, and you’re fire
You were never my friend, and I’m not so friendly anymore < I’d lose the “you were never my friend” because the second half of your clause is way, way more hitting. And says enough even without the first bit. It’s tough, I like it.

When the heart seekers search for me < Heart seekers sounds iffy. It’s the seekers that sounds iffy.
They won’t find what they need
My heart has been missing for a long time
Since just around the time that I started to call you mine <Mega awkward line here. The rhythm is totally off and this sounds wrong, there are too many words for the line most certainly. Perhaps “about the time I called you mine” or something close.

I want to go home
But I just don’t know where home is < pick ‘but’ or ‘just’ here, it’s clunky otherwise.
Anymore

Not even the brightest light
Can illuminate your lies
Your pupils look like daggers
As you give me your cold stare
We’ve become strangers, not lovers
Can you feel the despair?
But you don’t care
If I may make a large suggestion for the poem? I’d play with your stanza order. Consider losing this last stanza, it doesn’t add anything really and the rest of your poem has better imagery and strength. I’d suggest moving your fourth stanza and your fifth stanza around. It has a much better feel and flow this way. End on “Anymore” maybe. I think it would be effective and would have a smoother narrative flow.

Hit me up with any queries.
♥

Hullo IE, my dove. I’m sorry this is so late!

I’ve got a bunch of comments down, and I’ll mention again that each line doesn’t have to be capitalised and please, please add some punctuation. There are several places I’m pretty sure I misunderstood because I read the lines differently to how I think you meant.

This is definitely the better of the three poems. It has a stronger, more interesting narrative with some fun imagery and a good sense of tone. You also use some better language on the whole. On that line, I’ve made comments and I hope they all help.

I can't look into your eyes now, darling
For you will see all of my fears in my shaking eyes < Eyes don’t really shake. I’d lose “in my shaking eyes” because it’s superfluous also, I’d lose “for” and add a comma after the above “darling” to aid flow
Hold onto my weak heart
Just please don’t grip it too hard < I’d say pick ‘just’ or ‘please’ here, only because I’m finding it a bit awkward. I might consider losing “it” also?
Our personalities clash together like a tidal wave <You don’t need “together” here at all and I’d consider swapping “like” for ‘in’ because metaphors are stronger images.
You leave me speechless, shut down <lose “shut down here”
I can’t find the words to explain
What’s really on my mind

You slide your tail between your legs
Shying away from reality
Tell me what’s on your mind
Tell me what you really think < This line is basically the next line, I’d shuck this one because the repetition is a bit awkward and gross.
You never say what you’re really thinking
Inside
You always hide < Accidental rhyme looking all iffy here. Lose “inside”, you don’t need it anyway, you can only think inside anyway.
Behind your masquerade mask
I can’t decode your lies

You’ve always got something to say
You pretend to be someone you’re not
There’s something underneath your smile
Your innocent smile, you’re full of denial
You’re a false show, a pretense, a disguise
- ^ Hectic weak stanza here, I’m not a fan of the whole thing, mostly the accidental rhyme in lines 3&4. If you’re going to rhyme you have to commit to it in some kind of pattern. Even if that pattern is the rhyme only an ending couplet. Otherwise the rhyme stands out and looks weird and awkward. Anything your reader stumbles over visually or mentally/verbally, is a problem in that regard.

We contradict one another
Like iced hot chocolate < I’d lose this line, the next one (without “or”) is much stronger.
Or north and north magnets <omnom. Lose “or” and the line above and this is just gold.
I’m gasoline, and you’re fire
You were never my friend, and I’m not so friendly anymore < I’d lose the “you were never my friend” because the second half of your clause is way, way more hitting. And says enough even without the first bit. It’s tough, I like it.

When the heart seekers search for me < Heart seekers sounds iffy. It’s the seekers that sounds iffy.
They won’t find what they need
My heart has been missing for a long time
Since just around the time that I started to call you mine <Mega awkward line here. The rhythm is totally off and this sounds wrong, there are too many words for the line most certainly. Perhaps “about the time I called you mine” or something close.

I want to go home
But I just don’t know where home is < pick ‘but’ or ‘just’ here, it’s clunky otherwise.
Anymore

Not even the brightest light
Can illuminate your lies
Your pupils look like daggers
As you give me your cold stare
We’ve become strangers, not lovers
Can you feel the despair?
But you don’t care
If I may make a large suggestion for the poem? I’d play with your stanza order. Consider losing this last stanza, it doesn’t add anything really and the rest of your poem has better imagery and strength. I’d suggest moving your fourth stanza and your fifth stanza around. It has a much better feel and flow this way. End on “Anymore” maybe. I think it would be effective and would have a smoother narrative flow.

Hit me up with any queries.
♥

Not bad. Not bad at all. I never knew you were a poet. The fifth and sixth stanzas were a bit muddled though. I positively love the last stanza, it's full of meaning.

Not bad at all.

Amazing! I felt your despair and read through your pain.
A few grammatical errors here and there but they are understandable.
"When the heart seekers search for me
They won’t find what they need"-one of my favorite lines.
An over all wonderful piece. Keep on writing from what you feel, you'll get somewhere in life:)

A pretty good and original poem I would say. I can't think of anything similar I have read to this and I enjoyed your pattern.