THE LIFT DOOR OPENED AND…..
I stepped inside.The lift space was occupied so I ceased myself to the right corner.There was one girl,blonde and tanned-skinned,wearing a pink tanktop with white denims.Casting a glance over her,I concluded that she was a pretty teenager.That made smile play on my lips as memories of my teenage days came flooding into my mind unbidden.Next to her,was a guy in his late twenties chattering away on phone.He was wearing a button-down dress and his hair falling over his forehead crating a perfect combination of mane dark hair and hazel eyes.PERFECTION.Mere perfection I thought.Next came a bald man which looked on neither side,kept looking straight with probing blue eyes.
The atmosphere in the lift was tense.I inhaled deeply,tucking my scarf in place.Thats when I noticed a security camera on the front wall.Not paying much heed I hugged my file more tightly as images from my just-given interviwe came into my mind.A wry quirk of smile engulfed my lips and my eyes sparkled hope.My heart hammering against my chest as feelings of desperation grew in my soul.Yes i was desperate indeed.Desperate to reach the eleventh floor in a fraction or seconds and brace my Mum without whom it was all a dream.Suddenly,the lights began to flicker.My heart that was beating with joy till now got grasped by utter confusion as I watched the lights wide-eyed. Thats when life revealed fear to me.Between the flickers,I saw that girl bent.In a unusual way like she was picking something with difficulty but when the lights got normal my eyes landed on something dripping from her stomach.Red.Like blood.It was blood indeed.dripping,circling from her body,caressing her……Perspiration ran down my forehead and my stomach gave a flip making a chill ran down my spine.Fear was my entire universe now.My breathing hitched as confusion took away my ability of speaking. I looked o the other two men.They both were watching the girl in same horror as i was.
Two minutes seemed an hour to me.As the lift approached the eleventh floor the door finally opened and i stepped outiside.The first sightwas that of two burly men wearing police uniform hastily making their way towards us.First,my face twisted with mere confusion but then everything started to fit into pieces.The camera.The security came in the lift.The camera had recorded the happening and made the police suspicious.”Three of you are under arrest”,a heavy voice filled my ears and i stood there dumbfounded,watching my life shatter into pieces.
please give it a read and make me aware of your views.
By Huda Ehsan
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Alright...well this is certainly quite an interesting story...looks like the scene of some sort of mysterious murder, or it might even be a suicide considering everyone in the lift appeared horrified at the same time....there's no telling with these things.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...kind of fiery start there with all that CAPS LOCK...that sort of thing is usually reserved exclusively for scary screams and such but okay....that was an interesting way to open this story up here...hmm...aaand looks like we have ourselves a couple of really interesting descriptions there, certainly helping out quite a bit with getting us this setting established here. And a pretty interesting crowd there in that elevator at any rate. The bald man especially seems a little suspicious, I suppose we shall see soon.
Oh my goodness...that story took quite a sharp turn there, going in a direction that I was not expecting it to go at all, although I suppose the fact that there did seem to be a little bit of tension should've indicated something I guess. Hmm, well the start of this paragraph I think could do with a little bit of a separation from the rest of it, I feel like having all of these things happen in just the one giant paragraph is not a great idea....splitting these up would probably be better here. But otherwise the slow reveal for the girl looking like she's bending down and then starting to see blood pouring down out of the stomach is really well done, you definitely get that sense of horror as it slowly builds when the protagonist here comes to the realization of having seen what just happened there.
Hmm...well...why would they be so afraid though...sure the police are going to question you...but if they didn't actually do anything, then the police would be able to tell that, and if the camera was indeed there and pointed in such a way what happened to the girl could clearly be seen, they would be able to quickly figure out who did it. But of course them being scared here s not something ridiculous, its definitely believable...I'm just speculating a bit here..xD.
Now the thing that is not quite as believable however is the arrival of the police, cause I think that while the security in the building might spot it on the cameras and call the police I doubt they could get to that location before the lift has even stopped and even manage to know exactly who to arrest.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, there was a couple of parts that I wanted to point out up there but besides that it looks like a pretty cool little story that you have here. Anyway that's about all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Huda,
The plot of your story itself is interesting, and is certainly suspenseful or strange enough to induce a reader to move to the next chapter/section. But as another reviewer pointed out, there are several grammatical errors which really interrupt the flow of the story. As they pointed most of them out, I'll just say that next time you write, go over and read out the story to yourself to check or any errors or general 'oddness' in word structure.
Apart from that, your sentences are structured a bit awkwardly, as if you've just plonked them down next to each other instead of writing with any kind of flow. For example:
Here each sentence seems rather disjointed and just...lacking somehow. The descriptions are strange as well; I think you meant 'eased' instead of 'ceased' and it would have been better to be more specific about the lift's occupation, e.g. 'The lift was already occupied by two strangers, so I...' Also, when describing people, instead of listing characteristics in order (sex, hair colour, clothing, etc.) it's often more effective to take one distinctive aspect and describe it in detail, after all, when you see a stranger you don't normally take the time to examine them from top to bottom. You'd really only bother looking at them if they had a distinctive feature, like a wonky nose which appeared to have broken before, or a distinctive widow's peak. Don't be afraid of using imagery, but you have to use it in believable ways. Sometimes you go a bit overboard:
The blood 'circling from her body' is strange and unclear in providing us a mental image, and it 'caressing her' is extremely strange. It doesn't make sense descriptively, and it seems strange for your narrator (who is supposed to be shocked) to be thinking. Shock might come across better if you described the colour of the blood, maybe comparing it's brightness to the dull blood from films to emphasise the shock and realism of the situation.
In regards to the story, the ending doesn't make sense. There's no way that in the short elevator ride, the security guards would have: watched the camera, called the police, had the police arrive, had the police presumably watch the tape, identify the elevator and wait outside. I'm not sure what kind of elevator our narrator stepped into, but most of them take maybe 10-15 seconds moving between several floors. Not to mention it makes no sense of them to be arrested instead of questioned, let alone the bleeding, presumably dying girl being arrested (which I assume you meant from 'Three of you').
But despite all of this, as I said, the premise itself remains interesting. I wouldn't call this a short story, however. This seems more like a prologue or a very short first chapter of a novel. If it is continued, I'd be interested in coming back to see how you've improved a bit. But please don't feel disheartened by the rest of my review; you can only get better if you keep writing. So keep writing!
Tiger
Hello Huda, Wolf here for a review.
Before I dive into this work, I want to point out three little things. First off, paragraph length. Be very careful that what I call 'mega paragraphs' not are created. So, the first paragraph alone is 10 sentences. That may be a little too much. An average paragraph is 5-7 sentences, but don't let the number of sentences be your guideline. The best time to split up paragraphs is when topic is switched. Dialogue is also a spot where a new paragraph must be started.
Next, this is kind of small, but it matters. An ellipses (or three dots, like so ...) should only have three periods, no more. Have more is just unnecessary. Finally, after punctuation, a space is needed. Here's an example from this work: (Added spaces are indicated by _)
EX: I stepped inside._The lift space was occupied so I ceased myself to the right corner._There was one girl,_with blonde hair and tanned-skinned,_wearing a pink tanktop with white denims.
See? It just makes it easier to read that way.
Next a few nitpicks:
Try to avoid all capatilized words or phrases. It seems unprofessional. Italics give the same effect without making it look like the narrator is screaming.
Typo: 'interviwe' should be 'interview'.
Two problems:
1.)'i' should be capatilized.
2.)There should be a comma after 'Yes'.
A few things: I mentioned ellipses ealier, so remember that here. Also, I can understand the effect you intended with mentioning the blood in this way, but it just ruins the flow of the piece. I would just recommend to turn it into full sentences, but you can do what you want. If you do keep it, 'dripping' should be capatilized.
This is quite an interesting topic, and for the most part it was quite well written. There are other issues in here, like tense change and just pure grammar issues. Watch out for those. I'll save you for the comma spiel, but I do notice commas missing and misplaced here and there. Reread this aloud and then edit things as needed. Can't wait to see more from you. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hi there! Lisa here for a review.
There are quite a few errors that I'd like to point out. I've noticed that there was no space after the full stop. After each full stop, there should be at least a spacing. That's all I have to say about punctuation.
"Between the flickers,I saw that girl bent.In a unusual way like she was picking something with difficulty but when the lights got normal my eyes landed on something dripping from her stomach."
The letter 'u' in 'unusual' is a vowel. Whenever there is a vowel, the article 'an' should be placed before it, not 'a'. I assume this was just a typo. However, 'I saw that girl was bent' would be advisable.
'Red.Like blood.'
You should place a comma instead of a full stop. It should look like this, "Red, like blood."
'I looked o the other two men.'
Possibly a typo.
'They both were watching the girl in same horror as i was.'
The 'i' should be in a capital letter instead of a lowercase letter. 'They both were watching the girl in the same horror as I was' is much preffered.
'Two minutes seemed an hour to me.As the lift approached the eleventh floor the door finally opened and i stepped outiside.The first sightwas that of two burly men wearing police uniform hastily making their way towards us.'
It is advisable to insert 'like' in the first sentence. "Two minutes seemed like an hour to me."
For the second sentence, there should be a comma between the two actions. "As the lift approached the eleventh floor, the door finally opened and I stepped outside."
The third sentence, "The first sight was that of two burly men wearing police uniforms hastily making their way towards us" is much preferred.
Here's another of of your technicalities:
”Three of you are under arrest”,a heavy voice filled my ears and i stood there dumbfounded,watching my life shatter into pieces.
Once you start a sentence with a dialogue, you'll have to start with a new paragraph. Each sentence involving a dialogue will end you up with a new paragraph.
I hoped this helps! I hope I wasn't overly nitpicky, although I think I was pointing out the errors. There might be more that a sharper eye can give corrections to, but that's all I'll say. This is pretty good for a new story! And not to forget.
Welcome to YWS! I hope you'll enjoy yourself here. I'm looking forward to your next story.
Sure it helped. I'll be careful next time.