I dedicate this story to the military force of my country, Pakistan.
Earsplitting screams of air raid sirens entered his ears. He ran, his shirt smeared in thick blood. A wave of pain originated from his injured arm but he did not care. He had to run; for life had brought him to the front line, transforming him into a savior, a protector. His heavy black boots produced thumping sounds as he ran and perspiration ran down his forehead. The intense heat had reddened his face and he was extremely parched but he had to run. A savior, a protector; these words echoed in his mind so he ran. This time with a heavy spirit and redeemed hope. With 'Allah-o-Akbar' on his lips, he ran...
The evening of 8th June had been no less than a shock; for the nation, for the protectors. Terrorists had attacked the Karachi International Airport! Within an hour or so, the terrorists had their total grasp on the airport. Threat lingered above the sovereignty of the state so there they were, to savor to protect. And there he was, right at the airport, leading his group.
" Operation 638 initiated. Attack!", he whispered into his wireless. He was feeling a combination of emotions: extreme fear and extreme patriotism. In the dull light, his features looked strong and sculpted. Buildings erupted into showers of cement, bricks and dust before his eyes. His heart hammered against his chest as he realized that the time had come. He stepped forward, gesturing others to follow. Baby steps at first, then a little more quickly...and then he ran with bravery bursting out in his veins like never before.
"Allah-o-Akbar", he recited with his voice very loud as now, he was sure that his voice was enough to shred out the clouds of terror. And then he attacked.
The sun of 9th June shone more brightly than ever as if it was trying to highlight his motionless uniformed body on the quite ground of the airport. The color khaki, but now with stains of red...The operation had been successful, for he and all others had proved to be saviors, protectors by sacrificing what is most important: life.Now, several laid there, with the color khaki patched red but with integrity most high,most supreme.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
This is a very interesting piece to me, as it gives a different perspective on something I only heard about in the news. However, there are several issues that I'll deal with - scrolling through the reviews, it seemed to me that some of the things I wanted to say had already been said; therefore, I'll just hint at those (don't want to bully), so you're aware of their importance.
These include: spelling, grammar and word choice.
Word choice.
It can seem a little awkward, a little cumbersome. e.g.
<q>"A wave of pain originated from his injured arm but he did not care."</q>
If your home country is Pakistan this is understandable I guess, but something you can definitely work on.
I think that's all I'll say to the mechanics - on to my actual points of criticism
I don't want to merely reiterate what Renard said, but I personally don't believe in the romanticising of violence. Of <I>course</I> it is necessary in many cases, and where a common enemy is faced patriotism also has its role, but to put martyrdom on a pedestal can be very harmful. I live in a country which lived through civil war for centuries of its history. This civil war ended only in the twentieth century, so believe me when I say that I have an established vantage point on this . (by-the-by, if there had been no uprising, Ireland would still be under British rule, so obviously I'm not opposed to revolution. It's the idealisation of it that I oppose.)
I hope I have been of help, great work and keep writing!
~Baesch
oh, apparently html doesn't work. hope that doesn't impede your understanding!
Thanks for the review, it was helpful. I just want to clarify that if a bunch of Talibans attack your international airport and hijack the plane with more than 100 passengers in it, your state announces military operation to cleanse out the terrorists and save the passengers and the sovereignty of the state so do you really think its violence? Just consider yourself a mother whose son did come home safely that day just because military forces where there to save him or else he must have been brutally killed by Talibans...then again do you think its violence?
of course it's violence, if it includes violent actions - and I'm not saying that it's bad to be violent in that context, so calm your horses.
I'm not criticising the contents of your piece, merely its idealisation. That said, I really enjoyed it, so don't take my criticism personally, please - it never is meant as a personal affront
I know it never is, but when one has a debater soul in oneself, one just cant resist you know...and that's the problem with me
Hello.
I think this splits the balance between fact and fiction.
Obviously you are writing about something personal:
I'm not quite sure whether this is the character talking, or you? That needs to be made clear. If it's an Author's Note, then you should put A.N at the beginning, or at least make the text stand out in some way.
Otherwise, the content of the writing itself is very short.
I'm not sure, because it seems there would be a lot to say about this sort of topic?
It seems that you are advocating war as if it is a good thing?
I disagree with this viewpoint. That doesn't make the writing bad - I just don't like what you're saying (If that is what you're saying.) O.O
This is written well enough, although it is mainly description orientated, and is quite heavy. But kudos for taking on such a serious subject matter and doing something personal with it.
~R
The very first line is an author's note. I'm new here so I was unaware of the A.N thingie. And for your second point, I must say that you should read my second paragraph again because its not a war, its about a military operation conducted. In the last paragraph, I've mentioned it again and I guess there is a difference between war and military operation. Thanks! for the review.
I suppose there is a slight difference, but it is all conflict based. You know about the AN thing now, it's ok, I'm not blaming you, I was just wondering. For the review, you're welcome.
'He had to run; for life had brought' - this should be a comma not a semi-colon. Semi-colons can only be used if the clauses on either side could stand on their own as sentences. Your next use of the semi-colon is fine, I think.
'no less than a shock; for the nation, for the protectors.' - this one should probably be a dash (or brackets if you prefer, since they do literally the same job.)
'Terrorists had attacked the Karachi International Airport!' - I'm not sure about the exclamation mark. In my head I heard it as when librarians have that hour or so every week where they read little kids stories. It kind of sounded like 'and on Friday, the hungry, hungry caterpillar ate five whole oranges!'.
'to savor to protect.' - there should be a comma between 'savor' and 'to protect'. By the way my spellchecker is going crazy because I'm British and this uses American spelling.
'He was feeling a combination of emotions: extreme fear and extreme patriotism.' - this sentence sounds a little clinical, like you're describing a patient's symptoms at a hospital. Perhaps you could say something about the contrast between the emotions or how distinctly/continuously they mixed together.
'he recited with his voice very loud as now, he was sure that his voice was enough to shred out the clouds of terror.' - ironically, the comma in the middle of this should be a semi-colon.
'The sun of 9th June' - I take it this means it is the next day? This could be made slightly clearer. I thought this was a typo at first.
'life.Now, several' - you missed the space between life and now.
'high,most supreme.' - and the space between high and most.
'quite ground' - 'quiet'.
This was really brave. I mean, normally terrorism is a way to set up jeopardy in a story, not the main plot itself. I love that you were willing to tackle this. I know from experience that a lot of people in my country blame absolutely everyone from your country for terrorism, which is ridiculous, given that our head girl is first-gen British from a Pakistani family. What I'm saying is that you could easily have avoided this subject but you didn't, you tackled it, which is really brave.
I enjoyed the plot, although I think there could have been more characterisation of the protagonist. Maybe he could think about his family or something. Or you could reveal his motivation. Like I said, I understand that not everyone from your country would do this - although a guy from my computing class last year didn't seem to - so there must have been something driving him to take his own life for his beliefs.
Well done - and I love the colour bit at the end.
Thanks! that was encouraging. Actually the color of Pakistan's military uniform is khaki so that's why I emphasized it. Thanks for the review! I'll try to write more good next time