Fix my heart...

This poem is.. SO GREAT!! I can relate to all you said here so much, it's kinda scary! I wrote a poem and story similar if you want to take a look. I enjoyed it so much because I relate to it, I think that's what writing is all about, helping people relate and relate in new ways. You did that very well here. I especially like the line:

"The memories forgiven,
The sanity driven"

That captured my feelings! I had a similar situation, again as I explained before, and it was all I wanted for that relationship to be restored and up and running. I also too felt my heart was shattered, and I did actually legit cry. It really was awful.

I felt this poem with you and through you. Awesome job, please keep it up, I wanna hear my poems by you!!

Hi there! I like the thought you put into this poem but I do have some comments
(really just 1)

First off, i really don't feel as if you need so many commas. At first, your use of commas was effective but then it got annoying and slightly confusing as to where each phrase ended.

Next I would like to mention the good...which is everything else. I especially love your beginning and ending. Both were very powerful and really made the reader ponder. And I love how you noted that on gloomy days the world brings painful memories because my God, HOW TRUE IS THAT. The answer is very, in case anyone wonders. Anyway, great job! Keep writing!

Huda0509,

So I did like this piece of poetry. I like the repetitiveness, I think you just have to add more emphasis in certain spots so it doesn't sound so blatant. But I do definitely love how you tied the title into the ending of your poem. Here are my recommendations, but of course, they are all up to you if you want to change them or not.

At the end of every line, except the last two, you put a comma. I think it's way too busy and you don't necessarily need so many. You can put periods or semi colons or you don't even have to put punctuation. A lot of the time for me, I will just have a sentence and split it into two lines so it's not awkwardly long. Here's what I mean: (I'm also going to add some emphasis that would help how your poem sounds.)

"I notice my aching heart,

Which ached,[remove comma]

And will [always] ache, [period instead of comma]

No matter how much [*enter*]

it [tries to fake it],

It will carry the[maybe try 'your' instead of 'the'] sorrows heavy, [period instead of comma]

I see it,

Surrendering to the sadness you gave [try 'handed over' instead of 'gave'? Up to you, though], [ period instead of comma (you can start a sentence with 'and')]

And [constantly] hoping [that], [remove comma]"

Those are edits that I just suggest, but again, it's your poem, not mine.

One other thing I noticed is that you switch from past tense to present tense a couple of times. I would just try to pick one, whichever one your prefer, or meant, and switch the verbs so they all match.

So good job on this poem

Keep expressing.

-Percybeth

An interesting piece of poetry. Your style of writing leaks some personal affiliation with your poem, which can only lead me to assume that this is a microcosm of your life. Of course, I could be wrong. You may just have an amazing writing capability. Or maybe it's both, who knows? Anyways, onto the actual review. For such a short poem, it really impacted me in a way that only poetry can. I have not read a poem that captivated me like yours did in quite a while, and I congratulate you for this. I only noticed one real problem.

"I notice my aching heart,

Which ached,

And will ache,"

I am not 100% sure if this is grammatically accurate. You seem to have re-stated your aching heart twice, and then follow that with the statement that it will ache, as if it never did in the first place. I recommend writing it something like this;

"I notice my weary, aching heart,

Which will continue to ache,"

You could even add "For eternity," afterwards to add effect. Keep in mind that poetry is very open-ended, and these kinds of grammatical toss-ups can actually be acceptable. So, consider this more of a stylistic change than a technical one. All in all, a magnificent piece of writing. Keep at it. You'll produce masterpieces by the hundreds.

Your fellow writer,
Charizard821
(Char)